BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Would you get a divorce over weight?

If your spouse gained 100 pounds, would you split?

I was listening to the radio this week � not NPR because I'm not an intellectual that way, but a music station � and a female caller said she and her husband had a clause about weight in their pre-nup. If either he or she hit a certain weight, they'd have cause to seek a divorce.

That's interesting, I thought, although, I have to admit I laughed out loud at the weight restrictions � her top limit is 240 (for a 5'2" frame!) and his is 280. I'd say they are being very generous ...

The caller said, for her and her husband, it's about taking responsibility for one's health, best interest and looks.

I agree that it's important to respect yourself enough to keep yourself fit and healthy � not for your spouse, but for yourself. I know that I would have a hard time feeling attracted to someone who weighed 280 pounds. I might have a hard time feeling attracted to someone who weighed 220 (unless he's 6 foot 4 or something like that).

But I think that I'd address that issue as the pounds started adding up � I mean, going from 118 (which is what the female caller says she weighs now) to 240 doesn't happen overnight. Somewhere around 135, I'd want to check in, if I were her husband, because I think those extra pounds would signal an underlying emotional issue. And as someone who loves her, I'd want to help her figure that out and support her in working it out.

Maybe that's the problem, though. I have read lots and lots written by women who get upset � dare I say [censored] off and defensive � when their lovers call them on their weight. "I'm still the same person inside. Why is he so shallow? Doesn't he know I can see what I look like and I hate it, too?" Well, then please do something about it! Is it easy? No, but ... so?

So maybe he doesn't say anything ... he just waits until the scale hits 240 and slaps her with divorce papers! Problem solved. Even if it's not in a pre-nup, it seems some men think divorcing over weight is OK.

Many years ago, I worked with a beautiful, sexy blonde who was having an affair with our married boss. He eventually left his wife for her, they got married and started having kids. And then, she got fat � really fat. You can read into that what you want, but if I were her hubby, I'd be upset and unhappy that my little sex kitten had turned into a flabby, matronly housewife.

How have you handled your lover's weight gain?
Is gaining 100-plus pounds reason enough to divorce?
And if your lover actually expressed his/her unhappiness with your weight, what would you do?

Well, if your marriage vows state "in sickness and in health" and you view a 100 lb weight gain as a sickness, then maybe you should stay. Same with "for better or for worse." But not all ceremonies include those words. Ours did, which means he's stuck with me no matter how many Twinkies I consume. (ha ha, just kidding).

Maybe that's why writing your own vows is increasingly popular...you can insert an escape clause.

I once read that extra weight represents broken dreams or unexpressed passions - so now whenever I seen an overweight person I wonder what his or her dreams were. Did they want to travel, write, paint, study medicine? Or were they just bored and sad? Either way, there's pain that's not being faced -- and our life partners should stand by our sides as we clean up our messy selves.

But if we don't want to face our pain, maybe it'd be healthier for our partner to leave us. And maybe that'd be a wakeup call for us.

What a good question, Kat! Very thought provoking.

Hi Laurie,
Thanks for your thoughts and insighful comments.

Well, as much as I believe in the vows we say, all sorts of shenanigans go on after that blissful day � I'm divorced after all. So already some 50 percent of us aren't living up to those vows, and even rewriting them won't necessarily solve the problem. That's what pre-nups often address, and still people are off to court fighting them.

And weight was in this couple's pre-nup, so that's keeping them on their toes, I guess. We all carry around some sort of pain; some of us can either deal with it better or have done the work.
I am all for doing the work!

My partner and I have both gained some weight in the last few years. He's got a high-stress desk job and doesn't take enough exercise. I suffer from pain in my knee (injury -induced osteoarthritis) that has seriously lowered my own physical activity levels.
You know why I'm not too worried that we could one day get past "a little chubby" and become obese people who are dissatisfied with themselves and each other? We talk. We notice our clothes don't fit the same and we talk about the causes and work together to find solutions.

For him, it's more sleep and relaxation time. For me, it's allowing myself plenty of short periods of rest on busy days and recognizing my limitations. For both of us, it's the gradual changes of more walks and fewer snacks. We're both beginning to slim down a bit. We are making these changes so that we both feel better, look better, and avoid the resentment issues that could crop up in a few years if one or both of us quit taking care of ourselves. Taking care of your bodies is part of taking care of your relationship.

I wonder if that pre-nup clause was written out of vanity or to motivate health, diet, and exercise conversations in future years.

Good point, Myrabeth!

It seems like weight is a poor single indicator of taking care of yourself - weight gain isn't usually just a result of not caring... My gut reaction is that that's a horrible idea, but you are right that we don't know why the couple decided to use that. And about a 40% increase does give you a lot of leeway for medical problems that cause weight gain. My main concern would be being there for each other, not getting stuck in judgement about looks.

If 100lbs weight gain is a code word for "if one of us gets so lost in not taking care of ourselves that we are totally out of control and not making an effort, a divorce is the best thing for both of us", I actually applaud the fact that they are making an effort to talk about these things in advance when they are both mentally healthy. I know from my first marriage, that sometimes the divorce CAN be (apparently) the only thing that will make someone face up to their problems and get help.

Julie

If the only deciding factor in whether or not to stay married is how much the spouse weighs, then there wasn't much to the marriage to begin with.

Health issues notwithstanding (and that's actually assuming the individual has health issues), using weight as a sole factor for divorce makes as much sense as basing a divorce on whether or not someone has hair.

"Well, gosh... our prenup says you have to keep your hair honey. You've got a little bald spot right there... better go get some plugs or its off to divorce court for you!"

First of all, I know this topic hasn't been discussed in a couple weeks, but I wanted to share some of my thoughts with you.

Has anyone stopped to consider the changes our bodies go through as we age. For one, our metabolism slows down which will cause some to gain weight. Secondly, what about family history? Thirdly, what about other issues like hypothyroidism and diabetes. Yes some of these can come from being overweight but I have seen many people that are skinny be diagnosed with diabetes then start gaining weight. What about those who are on certain medicines?

Ok, so let me describe myself. I'm 5'11'' tall and considered morbidly obese at 350. I've lost over 55 pounds in a little under a year and still working on it. I don't believe that just cause your spouse gains weight that you should divorce them. I actually agree with Lynn_B in that if that's a reason to divorce then there was no attraction there in the first place.

I've been in a relationship for over 2 nows and we are talking about gettin married. I asked him once what he saw in me. It stemmed from my insecurities i'm sure. He told me that he see's only what's inside, not my weight. Yes, he worries about my health but he doesn't care what my weight is. He just knows that from the time we met he melted into my eyes and saw my kind soul. That's a true love story(yes, I could be a little partial since he's mine). For those who are wondering, my man is 6'2'' tall and weighs about 250. He is a brown belt in Karate also. So he's not an overweight guy.

I just think that if your spouse wants to divorce you because you have lost weight, you'd better stop and take a look at the relationship from the very beginning. It probably wasn't a good one.

I have to agree with Lynn and Ch, if weight means so much to a person that gaining is cause for divorce, then there was nothing there in the first place. It's not supposed to be "I love you in spite of" but rather "because of". You know? Maybe it's idealistic, but I do believe this.

And Ch makes another valid point, we age and as we age our bodies change. For one thing, it is a lot easier to lose weight at 26 than it is at 36 and still harder at 46 etc. Hyperthyroidism can cause extreme skinniness in someones 20's and when she hits her mid 30's it can look like she just got lazy and dumped on a lot of weight, when what really happened was her bodies metabolism literally went from fast to slow just like that. Or what about athsma? When a person has to take steroids they are going to gain weight, and a person with athsma usually has to use a steroid inhaler. There are other reasons, other life events, that crop up.

Bottom line, if you marry your spouse soley because they "look good" then how in the world can a relationship have a chance when real problems crop up?

Dez