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Joined: Jun 2006
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Parakeet
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Parakeet
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A friend recently found out that she has stage 4 oral cancer. I'm trying to help with her kids, etc but am wondering what else I can do to support her during this very difficult time. She started chemotherapy today and starts radiation very soon.

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during her treatments her moods are going to change a lot, i thing its great the fact that you are helping with the kids... but always make sure to let her know you are there for her, make sure she know that u are worried and feel her pain!
Usually people dont know how to react to it and they temp to just stop talking to the person with cancer, just because they dont know what to say! That is the worst you can do! Just show affection, It never hurts!

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Parakeet
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Thanks for the advice.

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I just happened to come accross your post .I am advertising for Arbonne Swiss Products new in Australia!!
But I just want you to know, people do care!!!
In a time like this ,the world needs to slow down!!!
She is lucky to have a friend like you!
Just let her know everything will be okay,and show her how much she is loved.I have personally been there!

I will say a prayer for both of you!!

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I myself have just finished my Chemo for Breast Cancer stage 4 had a radical modified Mastectomy with 19 lymph nodes removed, and the best thing i can say to u is call her and just say hi and listen to her and see what she says ok. Some days she will not even want to talk or nothing.. Just say ok im going to do this, need anything or ill take the kids for a bit so u can rest. Let her run the show. But always listen ok. My family tried to take charge and that really bothered me. She will get very moody and just let her vent. I needed that.Ask if they need a ride to the clinic as they will not be allowed to drive. Ask to go watch a movie them him. Try not to bring up the cancer unless they do. Some Cancer patients dont want to talk about and want it to go away and some want to talk all the time about it. Try to make new conversations with her. Try to get thier mind off of the cancer if you can. Its what i call brain release ...It is one of the most difficult things i have even gone threw. I had three teens during this time as well and boy its not fun. I have had a total hysterectomy as well now and in menophase and man its not fun. Just be there or sit or stay away for a bit depends on what they are feeling ok. Please e-mail if i can help you at all ok im glad to help anyone that might have a question. I volenteer now in my clinic till i am able to go back to work. I explain the whole cancer and treatments to all new patients so i might be of help to you. If not just be there when she needs it is the best i can say to you and give her all my best and you take care as well ok. (L)...


Take Care....Keep me posted ok..
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Thanks so much for your replies.

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Originally Posted By: JanZeiger
A friend recently found out that she has stage 4 oral cancer. I'm trying to help with her kids, etc but am wondering what else I can do to support her during this very difficult time. She started chemotherapy today and starts radiation very soon.


Locate some survivors. You will get them on website of American Cancer Society. Arrange for them to speak to your friend. That would help very much.

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One of my best friends is now at Stage 4 lung cancer. He is just happy that I am there to talk to.
He just stopped his chemo and radiation and they think he has to go back for more.
It is great help to just be there and listen.

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My dear sister died last February of Peritoneal cancer. She fought it for 6 years and we went through angst and agony about it and worry, worry, worry.

She ended up passing away very suddenly. The doctors didn't think this type of cancer went to the brain and apparently it did. She was happy and chipper one day and the next day she was gone. Three tumors in the brain were the culprit.

As I look back on what I wished I would have done for her, I wished that I would have told her that I loved her, just one more time. I wish that I would have not been afraid to insist she have her will in order for the sake of her children.

I wish I would have talked with her more about how I could help her family when she was gone.

I don't know if this will help anybody dealing with Cancer, but I think that trying to enjoy each day we have is what life is all about. We just never know what or when our time is going to be up.

Last edited by bluewaves; 11/28/07 01:29 PM.
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As a cancer patient who just finished chemo and radiation, just letting us know that you're there is support enough.
Also, it doesn't hurt to stop by with groceries, walk the dog or take the kids to the park. Letting us get a much-needed nap in is really appreciated!

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Great advice, gorgeousred. So many well-meaning people tell you to let them know if you need anything but for so many us it is hard to "ask" for help so it is really nice when someone just picks a task and offers to do it (such as walking the dog). We had a dear friend who took over mowing the yard when I was going through cancer treatment. He showed up every Thursday morning and mowed. It was such a welcome relief not to have to worry about it.

Congrats on finishing treatment. Yea!!

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Jellyfish
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Just imagine yourself with a serious flu. When you lie there, couching, wheezing, aching - what do YOU wish for? Those are the same things you can/should assist your cancer friend with. Cooking, kids, pets, garden.... It's actually quite simple if you think about it in that way.


Adelle Ottavini, Cancer Editor
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I have had three cancer diagnosis. My "friends" all (as in every single one of them) stopped calling. No invitations. No offers to help. No checking in to see how I was doing. It was hard (impossible) to ASK for help from any of them - especially as the time became longer - so I basically went through all of that with my partner as my only support. She was fabilous. Now 10 years and 3 diagnosis later, we are just making new friends. It is wonderful that you are concerned enough to offer tangible support and trying to help in other ways as well. I would have loved to have you around when I was going through all those treatments. In addition to the physical issues I also had to deal with the pain and resentment of those lost "friends". You are invaluable to her in ways she may not even know - yet. Just being there for her is invaluable. Good for you!

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I am so shocked to hear about your (x) 'friends'!! Do some people think cancer is contagious?? Can human beings be so selfish as to run away from a friends' anguish? All I have to say is: 'Good riddens.....'. I am so sorry to hear you had to go through so much. Thumbs up to your partner!!! Good thing you moved on to new circles. May the best of friends befallen your path in future. I sincerely hope you-and-cancer are now done with one another?? Strongs!


Adelle Ottavini, Cancer Editor
Cancer Website
Cancer Forum
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