BellaOnline Forums Family Child Loss How do you comfort someone after a loss?

My aunt and uncle have been divorced for many years. Last week their oldest son was killed in an accident while riding his bike. Neither my aunt or uncle had a very close relationship with him. Over the last few years he was in and out of jail, he was into drugs, found out he was HIV positive etc. My aunt hadn't talked to or seen him in a couple years. My uncle saw him every couple of months. The last time they saw him they told him that he's the only one who can change his life, that they can't do anything to help unless it's what he wants, and told him they love him.
His brother, on the other hand, got into a big argument with him a couple years ago and they had lots of anger towards eachother. That was the last time they spoke.

His death has been very difficult for everyone in the family, but especially his brother because he never told him he loved him, and he stayed angry at him.

I'm wondering what kind of things can family do to help someone through such a difficult time? What is comforting for them? What shouldn't you do or say? How do you be supportive for someone who has had such a big loss and is having an extremely hard time handling it?

Death is always difficult. This brother is now suffering from guilt also. He should pray and ask for forgiveness. that is the best in my opinion.

My son was killed when he was 13yrs old, that was 21yrs ago, to this day i find myself saying i should of done this or i should of done that (when he was alive)i should of said this or i should of said that. i carry a lot of guilt,No words can help, just someone to be there when i need to talk, no judgment laid on me. death with any one can br overwhelming My daughter is living with aids i know she is facing death i try so hard to be there for her, even with her heroin addiction but i know that when she dies i will still be saying the same thing i should of did this or that, i don't think i have ever had a clear conscious of anyone i was close to that died

Please forgive yourself. Pl. ask for forgiveness from God in who you believe. Do not torture yourself any more. Please thank your dead son everyday for the pleasure he brought in your life. Let me tell you that he is already living in his next birth as a very happy human being.Please do not ask me how i know that? I know that for sure. Please remove all the guilt. Let me tell you more- yopur daughter will die very peacefully.

Thank you,cd, for your kind words

These are not only kind words, but this is the truth.

hi was browsing through google and joined this site simply to contact you, i myself lost my brother in unexpected circumstances almost a year ago, at the time we were not talking and didnt have much of a relationship, i feel that you should provide support and a shoulder to cry on for your aunt n uncle and cousin, however there is nothing you can say or do to make them feel better, concerning your cousin if you do talk to him about his brothers death just tell him that although they werent talking at the time of his death and although he didnt say he loved him his brother would have known and he should forget the years they didnt speak and love the years they did.

Every death is difficult because its the loss of a loved one, your family will have to learn to value their time together and thats the positive result from a terrible loss, they will learn not to hold grudges and not to hesitate to tell others their feelings, every minute will live is a minute closer to death live life to the full and live for the future as im sure your cousin would have wanted you all too, this properly doesnt make much sense because i cant quite put what i feel helped me into words but i hope you understand along the lines fo what im saying and im sorry for your loss.

Thank you very much.

My aunt, uncle and cousin are.... ok... right now. My aunt will be fine some days and other days she wont stop crying. My cousin lives about 2 hours away from her and they try to get together a couple times a week for support. He's still hurting alot. I can only imagine, and my uncle is doing alright.

Ive spent time at my aunt/moms house (they live together) and we wont even talk about it, just spend time together and my aunt told my mom that it was nice to have company with someone who didnt ask questions or talk about it. She really enjoyed just being around me and my mom. So I guess for her she just needs to be alone with her feelings right now and is not ready to talk yet.

Such a hard thing, but I know they'll get through.

...my mom also told me that sometimes my aunt gets really upset on the days that she doesnt do anything around the house, dishes, vacuum etc... my mom tells her its ok, but for whatever reason she still beats herself up about taking time for herself. She feels that taking a day here and there to relax and to feel is neglectful of her responsibilities around the house. Is this common?

Yes. That is common.
That is guilt.
Remember grief and guilt go together.
It will take some time for her.