BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Mom daughter and vibrator,

I saw a post made by a girl saying that she very much wanted a vibrator. But as she was less than 18 years, the legal age to buy one, she asked her Mom to buy her one. The mom agreed to buy a vibrator for her teen daughter if the daughter paid for it.

This flabbergasts me. What is the appropriate behavior of a mother in such situation?

Why, what's wrong with that? Obviously it would depend on the age of the girl, but if the mother is responsible, and has educate her daughter well, and has taught her that her body is not to be guilt-ridden or considered shameful - what's the problem?

I don't see a problem. Would you rather pay for:
1) A vibrator
2) Birth control pills or other forms of birth control
3) A baby born to a teenage girl?
4) Counseling for your teenage daughter after she has an abortion....

I can see why someone would be surprised to hear this - I was a little shocked, but when you really think about it, it's nice that they can be so honest and comfortable about something completely healthy and natural. Of course I'm assuming the mom isn't partying w/the daughter and maintains proper boundaries.

And JeanetteNorman is right - think of other consequences!

Mom did exactly the right thing. Why is this such a shock? American puritanical morality at work again.

I think it's a bit of a shock that the girl was ABLE to be so open and honest about such a private subject. And the mom was also able to be open about it...alot of children for one wouldn't even consider talking to their parents about such things, and even if they did, alot of parents wouldn't be open to hearing about it.

As far as what the mother did was right or not?... I would say she did the right thing.

by "Nosy"

by "Lala21"

I liked both of these responses. I hope my daughter and I can have this open and trusting a relationship when she gets to be a teen that she can come to me with anything no matter how shocking it may seem at first. And I hope I'll at least be open-minded about it.

The only problem I have with the Mom buying the vibrator is that to me (personally) vibrators hurt! I know not everyone finds them painful, but I hope the mom at least took the time to use this as a discussion opening. Because a young girl could have a quite painful experience with some toys if the only people she is getting the education from are her other teen friends and magazines!

Doesn't it seem odd that a young teen could be that aware of her emotional and physical needs. I may live under a rock, but it seems to me that the girl has either been reading way too much, or is having interesting discussions with friends or boys. Either way, I'm not saying she shouldn't be allowed to have what she says she needs but, that shouldn't be the only requirement. Some follow up and directional shifting may be needed. I have a son of similar age, I really can't say that I would buy him girlie mags. But, I understand your points.

A really good points - hopefully the mom makes a point to keep a discussion going w/the daughter about sexual issues.

To be honest, in today's world, it's not odd or strange for a young woman, or boy to be aware of these needs, physical or emotional. In today's world it is actually fairly common. And unfortunately, there are kids as young as 11 and 12 that are aware of these things, and are beginning to experiment. Which I don't think is a good thing, but the fact is that girls and boys ARE going to do things like this, and all we can do is teach them the consequences of it, teach them how to be safe, and hopefully they wait until they are mature enough to be responsible in everyway, physically, mentally, emotionally etc. If they aren't going to wait, then the least a parent can do is be open like this woman was with her daughter. Who knows, maybe this young girl would have turned to a boy if her mother hadn't bought this vibrator. I don't know the whole story, but there are so many ways of looking at it.

I agree that kids know what's going on "outside." But, I feel that teens today don't know anymore about what is going on, on the "inside" than previous generations. And the deck is kind of stacked against kids readily gaining inner togetherness. There is just to vast a playground for them. Emotional needs are still the same hidden and confusing array to the unmatured as they ever were.

Let us look at this from the other side.

Should a mum give freedom to the daughter to use a vibrator below 18 years?

if yes, suppose the daughter is 12 and wants one, what should the mum do?

Should every emotional need be satisfied or sometimes it needs to be explained that - you need to wait for some more time and then go ahead.

Can a mum/parents not teach their children about the rights and wrongs going on?

Are parents helpless in front of the mass thinking? will they watch helplessly getting their children affected by the society?

What about other values then?

One more question- should the mum call a vibrator healthy for a young teen? Healthy for her emotional and physical health?

Personality of the child is a huge factor here. What works to sustain the needs of one..

However, generally it is my own belief that a young girl looking after her own needs so that she can head to into the world unfettered by pesky physical annoyances is an unrealistic ideal.

Teenagers are so given to emotion that sexuality/sensuality may really need to analyzed deeply and steadily from a higher level with a parent. If something is on one's mind that much, it should be discussed that much. Maybe discussed so much that it becomes clinical and boring. With lots of emphasis on understanding and demystifying the sparks and sensual parts! And lots more emphasis put on career plans, or a physically demanding part-time job. (To tired to worry bout it! M'i mean?)

Kids dressing up and doing the hair and makeup to the point they have turned them selves on and then become lost in their own sensuality (Brittney Spears seemed to have ended up there) really, really worries me!

Some teens really believe their needs are being met by recreational drugs.

This is an awesome discussion ladies. I have loved reading responses to this. I think it would be awesome to have a kid who feels open enough to come to a mother with this issue. I think with lots of open and honest communication from the mother, a daughter could benefit from using other methods to satisfy their sexual curiosity. Like I stated in my first post, think of the consequences if your child chooses another route to explore their sexuality because, let's face the facts, kids are going to try things. My real mom gave me "the talk" starting at 9. I still lost my virginity at barely 15 years of age BUT I did make sure that we used birth control. I personally think during "the talk" masterbation should be brought up. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so curious about having sex with a boy if I knew more about masterbation at that age. It is hard to say.

I have loved your response. Can you tell me if in your opinion the mom was right?

Pl. see the bold text.

Can not the mom take the kid in confidence so that kid discusses everything with mum and mum guides the kid in the right way. So that the kid knows that somethings need to be done at a certain age and not before that? You think that there is no way for mum to guide kids in doing right? Will kids get so affected by their friends that they will do things without parents knowing? Is that not parental failure?

I feel like the discussion is great. The fact that the mom and daughter can talk about this issue is so important - it is the most important aspect of this whole thing.

But...with that being said; I guess I would have liked to know the entire conversation between the two. I think it's good that a mom can talk to her daughter about masturbation w/out freaking about it, but I still feel like most teen girls are not ready - physically ready - for manual toys.

Kids read about these things, or hear about them from other kids (that don't really know any better either) and think they sound wonderful. Like I said, in my experience, they are painful.

While I don't expect a mom to sit there and have a "demonstration hour" type discussion about this topic (heaven forbid!) , I do think there's more to it than just, "OK, as long as it's your money".

Anybody remember the book "Deenie" by Judy Blume (the same author who wrote "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret")? Although, the book primarily deals with Deenie's scoliosis, it also talks about masturbation. I can still remember distinctly the passage about it, even though I read it when I was in middle school- over 20 years ago! But my mom never talked to me about anything sexual (other than "don't") and so reading that in a book - the fact that I wasn't the only one in the world that felt that way, was pretty amazing to me. I didn't feel like such freak.

So I definitely applaud the mom for keeping the communication lines open. I wish I had that when I was young. It might have changed quite a few things in my life.

Michelle,

Do you agree with mum's decision?

Let us divide this in two parts.

One- the daughter and mother are open about such discussions. Everybody agrees that that is very good.

Second- the decision of the mother to buy a vibrator for her daughter below 18, provided daughter gives money.

In my opinion, the mother should have explored more about sex with her daughter and discussed all things sexual including why she wanted a vibrator instead of having a nice boyfriend. Here was the opportunity for the mother to tell her daughter more and insulate her against the wrong thoughts, practices and priorities.

Sorry - I guess it didn't come across as clear as I thought it did! (shouldn't try to cover 3 ideas at 1:00 in the morning!)

No, I do not agree with the mom buying the vibrator. I just think that teen girls are too young for them. Personally I feel that using something like a vibrator should come later when a young woman is more mature. I feel that many of these toys tend to dehumanize and desnesitize sex (not physically but emotionally); so it would actually make it easier for a teen to make the jump from masturbation to real sex.

Now I'm not going to sit here and condemn masturbation as a whole. I do think it is natural for all kids to explore their bodies, and I think the ones that can openly discuss this with their parents, as opposed to being made to feel "dirty" are going to be much healthier and stronger in realtionships.

For those of you that are not familiar - I was date raped my first year of college. My father still does not know about it to this day because sex in my household was made to be such a dirty thing. Not just wrong because of the Christian upbringing I had, but it was not discussed. My knowledge of sex came from books; early on it was Judy Blume (not so bad), but later I came across the author of the "7 Deadly Sin" books Laurence Sanders - and although as mysteries the books are great, as sex education books, this is NOT where a 15 yr old girl should have been learning about sex!

My daughter is only 9, I'm not sure how I'm going to make it different for her - but someway I will. I now have a 15 yr old son. We already talk (more frankly than he would care to I imagine!) He knows about my date rape - because I wanted him to understand how things can get out of hand, and he's always got to be able to accept "no". I am not, however going out and buying him a "sleeve" or doll or something. I know he masturbates, I don't make a big deal of it. He got into sneaking around on the internet for porn - that we did make a big deal of, and had many talks about.

I don't think there is enough information to know what would be right for this mother/daughter. I think I would only go along with something like that if the child had some sort of hormonal/oversex problem.

I do agree that telling kids masterbation is natural and shamefree should be a priority.

I don't think kids should be allowed to look at porn. Respect/abuse, the lengths kids will go to be liked, and a whole stream of conversations should take place around porn.

I don't think kids should feel sex, oral sex, internet sex, or playing with sex toys is a natural, free choice for their generation. Sex is never free.

Michelle I think it is a great point to tell our boys that No means No. And I also think kids should learn that sex without respect or love isn't near as much fun. They are handing over deep emotions and (for females) internal body parts, and they need them back in one piece.

A very thoughtful answer.

You spoke to your son about porn?

Michelle, you spoke to your son about porn?

Oh yes! 1st you need to know that my son is on the autism spectrum - Apserger's to be exact; so he has a tendency to get very obsessed with things easier than other people. Add that to the fact that he is going through 15 yr old hormones - and internet porn is just begging for trouble!

We have all sorts of blockers/filters on our computers (and network security is what my husband does), but he was still able to find ways around the blocks. And had figured out how to clear the history. Most porn sites make it easy for kids to do. Now he is only allowed on the internet on my computer (he has no passwords to any of the computers and i have to log him onto mine), and can only be on as long as I or my husband is in the room.

I explained to him that for him to be looking at porn at this age and with his certain mindset (tendency towards OCD)- he was just setting himself up for trouble. Internet porn (particularly) dehumanizes sexual relationships and women in particular. Also porn depicts very unreal expectations of sexual relationships, this is not where I want him learning about how to treat his future girlfriends (or eventually wife)!

I know not everyone agrees with my views on pornography (I'm pretty anti on all of it). But I believe that for any teenager porn is not healthy. Kids need to learn about real relationships - not idealized sexual fantasies that are dreamed up by grown men.

Oh, yes. I have read many posts by teenagers talking about sizes of genitals they saw on porn and then getting worried about their own size. Parental control is must at this age and certain thing may better be not allowed to teenagers.