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Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? #283492 01/08/07 11:24 PM
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Emma007 Offline
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First, I wanted to say that I admire how thoughtful and caring you're being in thinking about this. There's nothing inappropriate about you wanting to grow a friendship with someone who happens to be a man.

I was wondering how to respond, and then realized that in some ways (not so extremely) I am an insecure wife. My husband makes all of our social engagements and maintains more friendships. For a while there, we spent all our time together; then my husband started spending more time away from me. Of course I got insecure and jealous--not of a woman friend, but a men's group that I was really suspicious of. Our couples counselor said to just slow the transition down. We did, and it worked. But things eventually smoothed over. Now we spend some time apart, out of necessity and becuase we both need space from each other.

Maybe you can gently remind him that he had a female friend, and you had been supportive of that? Might give him a bit more perspective. And who knows, if you take a little space from him, he might be forced to find other ways to entertain himself. And there's nothing wrong with a little jealousy/insecurity, as long it's acknowledged and dealt with. We get over it.

Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? [Re: Emma007] #287161 01/09/07 08:31 PM
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jmb Offline
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Miyella, my husband is a lot like yours... we do everything together. We don't have many friends outside of our relationship, and my husband would not feel comfortable if I was friends with a male.
Personally, I look on the fact that my husband wants to do everything with me as a compliment. He actually wants to spend time with me and do what I am doing! There are many relationships where the couple does the majority of things in their life separately.
We spend so much of our time at work, that there isn't that much time left for our relationship, and we cherish the moments we do have to spend with each other.
Another good thing about doing everything together is that it leaves less room for you to grow apart (and I learned from my 1st marriage that it is VERY easy to grow apart). The more time you spend doing separate activities (whatever they may be), the more chance you have of growing apart.
If your husband is not interested in doing activities outside of your marriage, then that can be seen as a good thing - that means that you and your marriage are the things that he wants to spend his life on.
If you need some time for yourself, perhaps you can schedule some time in each week for that. If your husband objects to you spending time with another man I would show him that you love him by making him feel comfortable, and not pushing the issue too far. If you choose the friendship with another person (of any sex) over your husband's feelings, then I'm sure that won't help your relationship with your spouse any. Sometimes being in a relationship means that you have to give up/not do some of the things that you would have done if you were not in a relationship. You do it out of love.

I would say, perhaps you could also try to look at the positive side of spending so much time with your husband. After all, you never know how much time you will have together.
Just my 2cents...

Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? [Re: jmb] #292956 02/16/07 11:39 AM
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MissCharlotte Offline OP
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I was just looking back over this thread, as the issue is still very much in my mind. JMB, i'm glad that you enjoy spending all of your free time with your husband. I guess i'm just not wired that way. As G doesn't have any friends/hobbies of his own, he really doesn't have much to say. I think that this is partly why i can't enjoy my time with him - i feel like i'm doing all the talking. I have stayed silent in the hope that he might start a conversation, but that doesn't happen.
Things have not changed much since i last posted. I have spoken to him again about finding some joy in his life. He has visited a gym with a view to joining, but that was a month ago and nothing has happened since then. He has expressed an interest in attending a concert later in the year, quite far away from where we live. I encouraged him to enquire if anybody at his work was going. He hasn't done so, saying that he'd hear about it if anybody was going.
I'm just so tired of it all.
I feel like i'm growing and wanting more from life, but he just wants me and nothing else. I sometimes feel that if he was with a person who was more passive, or even if he was on his own, that he'd make more of an effort to enjoy life.
I haven't spoken to that other guy in a long time; i told him that i wasn't able to start a new friendship at the moment. He understood, and has stayed away like i asked. I don't need any more complications.
I would love to have a relationship that was balanced. As it is, i feel like i'm the one who has the power to make him happy or miserable. And i feel powerless to change it.

Re: What should i do to help insecure husband? [Re: MissCharlotte] #296657 03/05/07 12:53 AM
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chillin Offline
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A relationship is like any living organism. It's either growing or it's dying. You can't feed it all by yourself, and it's been wilting for quite some time. Without new effort on his part, it's headed downhill fast. He needs to know that so he's not surprised later. Sometimes men have a hard time understanding why you have a need to change and resent you for it, and even blame you for it. That doesn't make you wrong. That doesn't make him right. Right now he has options, but soon, the window of oportunity will close and he will have no options. He needs to know that too, so he can make some decisions.

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