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#292603 02/14/07 12:12 PM
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engee Offline OP
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Dear Friends,
This post is gona be a long read.I was lookn for some place i cud write myself and feel better.thats when i saw loads of posts in here amd lots of supportive,encouragn replies.And thats exactrly wht i need now.Some peace of mind and time for myself.I hope some of u may have time to read.
I have been under depression for 14yrs now.It just came abt at 15yrs.Parents cudn understand and i cudn explain anythn to them either.I was however gud at studies and tried to keep my mind off depression by studyn hard.But once i was in college and back to my native country i was going depressed.Started feeln inferior at college.I was a gud student but the fact that i din get thru engineering in the merit list haunted me.so did the taunts from cvlassmates,roomamates,seniors....i cudn study and i managed to pass in first class(very low compared to others).My inferiorty complex grew and grew.I din get a job .somethn i wished for since childhood.Then my parents send me for Masters in engg again with the hope that it will fetch me a gud job.It did but the boss was a wreck who wud bury me live.Btn i got married to a wonderful man and now have a naughty toddler.
I started med Prozac when i was 24.After marr i was fine.But pregnancy was hell.Suicidal and horribly dull.My husband has been very supportive thruout.But i wonder for how long he will be so.Wont he get frustrated one day?He did get sometime back.Natural isnt it?
I have nothn to worry abt.If i count my blessings there are loads.We are not financially well off...still...then whats happn i dono.Docs say its the serotonin in my head and its genetic>prozac doesnt help anymore.For the past 4months i have been blue.cant move on with my daily life anymore.I don have a jobafter all my education.Oflate i did a dipolma in teachn english too.

Who am i?
Why was i born if i am to die?Why shud i walk around lookn gud if am to die one day.my mom got cancer 2yrs back and when i saw her look the way she did with no hair and suffern so much....it comes back to me. she is fine now but..what for is all this?why dont i surrender to the divine power and close my eyes and sit somewhere.i cant do that with a toddler around,no maid and loads of housework.
sinc 15yrs i have been fatigued and i tot it was the rheumatsm to blame. i used to sleep a lot but now i cant sleep.thats why i am writn away at 12am.
i cud meditate,exercise,pray daily do everythn well and smile from my heart.now nothn works.i do all the housework like a zombie.am mechanical totally.
i saw a doc and she says it upto me i need to ring it in.
i don have friends out here and my family is everythn to me.
i love them lots.

i don want to be like this.i want to be able to smile and count my blessings and sleep well...be happy.....
pls help me.what shud i do?how do i help myself?i cant though am tryn.its such a mental struggle...i still feel suicidal or feel like running awayalone+a dog of my own.(i don have one) ,sometimes.
engee

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engee #292618 02/14/07 01:53 PM
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I'm not usually in this forum - don't usually have time to visit many forums other than my own, but I was drawn to your post.

I don't know much about clinical depression, but I hear that they are coming up with new meds all the time. I hope your doctor can help you with that.

"Why were you born if you are to die and why should you walk around looking good if you are to die?" People have been asking that since time began.
It sounds to me that you are here to take care of a toddler (a noble proffession) and to be an encourager to a loving husband.

I know its hard to fight chemicals in your brain but remember to count your blessings everyday and to always look out, not in. People do manage depression and I know you can too.

Last edited by Lynne Chapman; 02/14/07 01:54 PM.
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I wonder if you can go to a different doctor? If the Prozac isn't working anymore, maybe you need a different dosage or different drug altogether.

Don't give up! There are people who want to help, like the Distress Line or Crisis Centres -- when you find the solution that works (and you will), you'll be so glad you kept slogging through the deep dark valley!

Reach out for help, because you can't do it alone.

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I totally agree about finding a doctor who can help you! There are many different drugs to make you feel better.

Also, along with the medications be sure you are eating a healthy diet (this can make a big difference!) Get pleny of B vitamins.

Try meditation or yoga to help you attract some peace into your life. You should read about the Law of Attraction. You are on a downward spiral, attracting more and more of what you now feel. You can change this. Watch the movie the Secret. Their website isBellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

joanj #292957 02/16/07 07:39 AM
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engee Offline OP
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Thanku so much Lynn,Laurie and Joan for takn the time to read thru my lengthy post and esp for takn the time to reply.Frankly readn them has helped me a lot.

Nope i am not scared to die nor am i afraid of death.
Why were we born and why do we go thru all this ?

So lemme just sit down and think to myself(i am thinkn aloud)

1.I have to force myself to count the innumerable blessings bestowed upon me everyday.
2.Force myself to smile and then laugh every time .I love laughing but its been a lpong time since i ahve laughed from within i just cant remember how it feels.
3.I must resume my meditation,exercise everythn that has been haywire for a long time.
4.find time for myself,to do somethn i like.
5.I need to do somethn that makes me feel useful other than the wonderful roles of daughter,sister,wife, mother and friend.My mind is totally blank,devoid of positive thoughts.I need to start perhaps working atleast as part time or as joan said helpn out.I have always loved animals and tahts a great suggestion.
i cant help lookn at my classmates who have jobs and are in gud positions and here i feeln inferior coz they made me feel so,feeln depressed and with no confidence....i have been in this cocoon for so long i am scared toi meet people or take up responsibilities....


I must do it.Oh yes i am seeing a doc,a homeopath atully.Her counselling is gud.But its true i must try and control my mind not viceversa.
Joan,i shall try to get hold of those buks.My doc suggested power of now by eckhart tolle
power of the subconscious mind by father murphy.
Thanku and shall post on how things are movn on.
engee

engee #293177 02/17/07 06:24 AM
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engee Offline OP
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Joan cud u tell me how u got thru the hellhole?I ask coz u have written u have been there.
.

engee #293878 02/20/07 07:29 PM
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The posts that have been written here were excellent advice engee. But I thought I would talk about "the hole" that you mentioned.

The reason why I am the editor of depression is not because I am a psychotherapist but because I have a strong history of it in myself and my family.

The hole -- is some serious stuff. But you know what, while I was figuring it all out with different medications, exercise, choosing more positive friendships etc., --the one thing I always had to keep in mind was that is would not always feel this bad.

That's how I got through labor with my children:) That's how I got through the low points of my depression. There are parts of it that you will have to talk yourself through, until some of the other things you are trying: medication, therapy, positive thinking, gratitude journals etc. kick in.

I wish you much success on your journey. And my other advice to you would be to stay in therapy and exercise at least 30 minutes a day -- even if it is the most painful thing you will do for the day. It works:)

Lisa Angelettie MSW
Bella Depression Editor
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Last edited by Lisa_Angelettie; 02/20/07 07:30 PM.
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engee Offline OP
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Dear Lisa,

Thanku for ur reply.Yes i am talking to myself.I need to get thru and i will extend my current 10mnts exercise to 30.Imust and i will.
thanu so much.
engee

engee #296021 03/02/07 01:56 AM
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Hello engee,

what kind of rhumetism do you have?

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engee Offline OP
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hi cdmohatta,

it was rheumatic fever.i dont think it prevails anymore.

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