BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse I was molested at 13 (my story)

When I was thirteen years of age my uncle molested me. After it happened, I felt violated and confused. I asked myself questions like, "How could I allow something like this to happen to me?", or "What did I do to deserve this?". I really thought for about 3 years that this was all my fault, and I should have said for him to stop and fight him off, but I didn't. When I finally realized that all of this was not my fault, I began to search ways to get my life back again. That when I made a hard decision, but a choice that helped me get through this. I FORGAVE HIM. Even though he doesn't feel one bit sorry, I knew that it was the right choice. It was like it was a big relief, thats hard to explain. Believe me, It is not going to make me forget about what happened but I feels like he is NOT my problem anymore. The battle that I am facing right now is whether or not I am going to finally confront him after 4 years and tell him how I feel and how this has changed my life. I don't know what I am going to do except start preying about it, and let God decide that for me. I need advise from someone who knows what I am going through.(ms_lala2008@yahoo.com) I am now 17 years old and I am planning my future to be a kindergarden teacher when I grow up. I want to be a big influence in children's lives, in hopes that, what happened to me will never happen to them. I refuse to let this stop me from living a normal life.

I'm so sorry for what you went through, i was raped by my dad when i was 4yrs old and was still being molested by him and his brother ( my uncle) till i was 15yrs old, I left home at 15, i'm glad you can find it in your heart to for give, because now you can move on with your life.(none of it was ever your fault) i can't yet forgive even though there both dead, so today i still suffer with many mental health issues and been seeing psychiatrist for 33yrs now, you are a strong young lady, move on with your life, GOD bless you

Bumblebee,

You didn't deserve what happened to you. Neither did you do anything wrong. The only one that can be blamed for what happened to you is your uncle. I don't believe that at 13 there was anything that you could have done that would have made him stop. Please be gentle with yourself. I'm so sorry that you endured this. Are you in counseling at all, for what happened to you? If not, perhaps that might be a consideration. As for your confronting him, Please be careful. Maybe a friend could go with you? Are your parents aware of what happened? Can they help you to confront him?

I would recommend a book called "The 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. He talks about how to forgive and go on with your life and why it's important, for you, to do so.

I didn't have abuse in my past but I did have some people I couldn't forgive. This book started me on the path to forgiving and going on with my life from a better place.

Horrible things that happen to you can also be the start of a search for a better, more peaceful life. Don't let the past ruin your future too. Good luck to you.

Thanks Joan..I will look into getting that book.

Hi Kelli,

Thank you for what you wrote. You are a big encouargment to me.

At this point of my life, I think that I am doing quite well considering what happened. I have never been to any counseling, but the one thing that I believe has truly helped me deal with it is Church. When I became a Christain, I began to go to chuch faithfully three times a week, and I have been for almost five years. I sing in the choir, volenteer in the nursery, and help teach little kids in junior church. When I am at church, I don't think about it, and I also get advise from people I trust there.

At the time that it happened, I was in the house alone with him while my parents were at the store. After he left, while crying, I immedatly called my mom and told her what happened. I don't remember why my mom didn't decide to call the authories, but she she did go to confront him at his house. She didn't tell me what he said after she talked with him, but I didn't really want to know. My father and grandma don't know about it, because my mom told me to not tell them about it. I am not really sure why, but my mom has her reasons.

I don't really feel confortable about sharing the details of what he did to me, on the website, but if anyone for some reason wants to know, you can email me, and I have no problem telling you. (ms_lala2008@yahoo.com)

I haven't seen my uncle since it has happened, and I am the only one who wants to. I just have to urge to confront him and tell him how I feel and how, what he did changed my life, even though he is probally not sorry. Thats basically the biggest decision that I am battling right now, on whether or not I am going to do it, and confront him.

-Laura-

Laura,

I'm so happy to hear of your wonderful supporters in your life. That is a necessity to have those in our lives support us. It sounds like you have great support. I think that is awesome! It will help you as you process. Don't worry about sharing here. It's totally up to you. Whatever you decide to do will be respected here on the forum.

Laura, I hope you like the book. Wayne Dyer, who wrote the book, was raised by an alcoholic mother partly and in an orphanage part of the time. He was abused as a child, tho not sexually. He feels that, rather than cursing his past, it was given to him to teach him self-reliance, which he now teaches to others. His mission in life was rooted in those experiences-which, by the way, turned his brother into an alcoholic for many years.

There are many examples out there of people who have risen above their past and circumstances of their life-Oprah Winfrey is one of them.

I wish you peace and happiness in the future. Visualize yourself as been at peace with the past and eventually it will come.

Joan

I haven't seen my uncle since it happened, but I do want to confront him and tell him how I feel. A part of me doesn't think that he realizes that he did anything wrong. If I confront him about it, What do I say? Would if he doesn't even remember, then what?

-Laura-

Laura, I would recommend your going with another person should you choose to confront him. Please be cautious as well. He may not admit to anything. Many abusers deny any wrongdoing when confronted with the abuse they perpetrated to others. This doesn't mean they didn't do it. It just means they choose to deny any responsibility in doing harm. Please be careful and go with a second person for your safety. You might also want to confront him in a public place. I hope this helps.

yes it does, thank you for your advise.

Hi Bumblebee
I haven't been in such situation before but think you have suffered bad condition indeed. You got good advice. I think your parents on that time and also right now are responsible about you, maybe its better they become conscious about their responsibility.
Haven't you any organization for help in this case for example a department in security and police official?
Hope you find a way to reach to happiness and won't encounter with more harm.


Skyheaven
I'm glad to meet you; you are brave and strength person. You have been suffered very bad condition that could devastate any body but as I see you could able to past such harmful situation.
Best regards

My Mom and I did not go to the authorities. I believe that we should have, but for some reason I truly believe that my uncle is the kind of person that would not go after other girls. But for some reason he went after me. I do not worry if he is still molesting girls, and from what I know, I am the only one. He is a older man around 70 or 80, and he is now in a wheelchair. I just prey that he still isn't. I don't know, I guess I'm just confused. I thought of my Uncle as a caring and thoughtful person. Now whenever I think of him, I think of what happened, and think of him as a whole other person. I feel that when I think of him like that, it feels that I haven't forgiven him, but in side I have. Does anyone understand how I feel?

Hi,

I do understand how you feel and I think it is very normal. I sometimes have flashbacks of abuse that happened to me in my life and it brings up emotions like anger and confusion. Along with the emotions, I can feel as though I haven't forgiven, as well. But, I think what is important is that we allow ourselves to feel what we feel without having any feelings of guilt or shame. It's okay to feel how you feel when thinking of your uncle and what he did. As I said before, I think it is very normal. The important thing is that in your processing you go at your own pace and do what feels best for you in your healing.

Take gentle care,
Kelli

I really appriciate what everyone has said and the advise you have given me. This is the first time that I have told anyone publically about what happened to me, even though I haven't gone into full detail. You don't hear a lot of people talk about Sexual Molestation, or at least I don't, because it is a very sensite subject. People don't want to believe that it exists, but in reality it does. It is nice to know that there are people out there who are willing to tell their story, and so others could be helped, and realize that they are not alone, and they are there to help them. That's why I really like this site.

I'm so glad that you feel safe enough to share what you are comfortable with sharing here on the forum. I know that there are many supportive people here at Bella Online, as you have witnessed. And you are right in that many people don't want to acknowledge that it exists when it does. Hang in there, walk through your journey to healing at your own pace, and be gentle with yourself.

hi i definitly know what you went through except the difference for me was i was molested by 4 different men,people who were supposed to take car of me they were my babysitters see my mom left me with men baby sitters alot when i was growing up and all this started when i was 4 yrs old and didnt stop til i was about 8 yrs old and it took me awhile to get over only because my mom didnt believe me but finally she got a clue when i was being watched by my aunt who saw the sighns and had my mom take me to the doctors and they found the evidence that i was being molested and finally she belived me but i kept my chin up and i now have a little girl and i will never make the mistakes my mom made and it hard sometimes to leave any of my children with babysitters but its getting alittle easier but i am here to tell you girl we are survivers and that makes us strong so girl keep going on and you will succeed i promise you,you will succeed

Thanks for sharing that. I am so sorry that, that happened to you. I am so happy though, that you have made big decisions for your your daughters life, so that what happened to you will never happen to her. A person told me that we don't get to choose what trials come into our life but we do get to choose how much it is going to affect and change our us. Like everyone else has been saying, that "its not going to be easy", but it is nice to know that there are people in this world who have been through what you have been through, and have the courage to share their story, and through that help people. I have made a recent decision, and that is that I am not going to confront my uncle. I don't know how many of you are Christians, but after I heard a message in church yesterday, I made the decision that I am going to let God deal with him when that time comes, and not confront him. I truly believe that it doesn't matter what a person goes through in their life. If you really work on it and put your mind to it, you can get through that trial, and live a normal life again. You have to think more of the good things that you have in your life rather than the bad things.

My cousin who is now 17 years old, did not have the greatest life growing up. When she was about five or six years old her birth father was hit by a drunk driver and died instantly. After a couple of years, her mom remarried and they had 2 more children. Soon after that, her second father died of an overdose from drugs. Her mother even after that got remarried. Her parents soon got into a big arguement and divorced. When that happened, they went to court to fight over who was going to get the kids, and the mother ended up winning. But her father was not happy with that and kiddnapped the children. He abused them until one day, when poice finally found them and returned them to their mother. A couple years later, for some stupid reason, he was released from prison. For years they have been having to move from state to state living in shelters because the father was out to kill them and still is to this day. They have lived in almost every state at least once. During all of this she was diagnosed with cancer at the age eight. Today she is lucky to be able to live an a state for about five years now. The only thing that she believes helps her go on with her life is her faith in God. Surprizingly, if you met her, you would never realize that she has gone through what she has, which makes me have an even stronger faith in God.

-Laura-

You may have forgiven him. But confront him in front of many people and let me pay for his sins.

I want to commend each of you for sharing your stories. It is not easy to open up and share. However, I believe that healing begins when we commit to sharing our secrets and healing through it all. Each of you describes a horrific story of abuse, yet you also share positive jewels that you have gathered, such as the decision to never allow your children to go through what you have endured, having the courage to break the cycle of abuse, and the journey taken to achieve healing. Each of you is a person of value and worth.

But you see, that's not my job...its Gods. I know that he is in control, and that one day my Uncle is going to stand before the Lord and confess everything that he did to me, (he will pay for it). I don't know if you read the rest of the post, but I decided not to confront him. The bible says that we are to love our ememyies no matter what they do to us, and it's God job to deal with them. I feel a lot better about this from the first time I started this forum. From what the first message said, I did prey about it, and God answered it through a preaching I heard a couple days ago. My Uncle is no longer my problem and I refuse to let him put me down.

And a message to others that have been abused in the past,....you dont have to let this ruin your life either. You are in control of yourself, and they are not in control of you. It might take sometime but you can do it.

It sounds like you have a very strong faith in God and that's great that it is working for you and helping you through your process. While I understand your saying that "The bible says that we are to love our ememyies no matter what they do to us, and it's God job to deal with them," I also believe that God does not expect anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. I also believe that he understands our emotions and that the process to healing is such that our emotions must be addressed. It's not wrong to be angry, hurt, confused etc. It's part of our process. I believe that God walks with us on our journey. But, I also believe that he doesn't expect us to hide what we feel or ignore what we feel. Abuse digs up many strong and powerful emotions.

It sounds like the way you are processing is working great for you. Thank you for sharing. The process to healing will be different for everyone. No person's journey is like that of another. Some of us may process quickly while some may do so gently and slowly. Some of us may decide to cry while others will not shed a tear. Every person's process is their own and no one process is right or wrong.

O, I totally agree with you. Though I am a Christian, it does make me upset and angry at times, but I look at what happened in a different way. I don't view this as something that changed me in a bad way, but that I am stronger person because of it. I like to look on the positive side of situations. If I was to make a list of the good and the bad I got out of this situation, I would say that I would have a lot more good than bad. Though I would never wish it on anyone, I am glad that God picked me to go through what I did, rather than have it be someone else.

I liked how you said that you "like to look on the positive side of situations." That's how I prefer to view things as well. I liken it to walking on a journey and gathering jewels as I walk. The jewels are the positive gems that we may find along the way. Perhaps for one person, the jewel is having coffee with a close friend. Perhaps for another person, the jewel is time spent with nature. The jewel might also be a hug from a loved one. I can guarantee that there are jewels to gather along the way. Once we pick up those jewels along the way, we can place them within the pocket of our hearts. The jewels are the positive things in our lives.

Hi hon
I'm Racquel, the former Abuse Survivors editor here on Bella. I went thru a very simular sitch. I think confronting is a good thing. Confront, confront, confront. ...I do think that doing it in writing, perhaps, is more effective and less stresful on you. Granted, you can't make anyone read a letter (or email etc) but u can't 'make' them listen when you talk to them also. See, abusers honestly don't think they've done a damn thing wrong. They... are sick sick individuals. They either a) deny to themselves they ever did such a thing, b) think it's 'normal' or c) turn everyyyyything around on you.. including hatred, name calling, yelling, screaming, "you're nutts" etc..! So, in my case, I stopped down to my step fathers bizz he owns... he was not there... and I took time to use a sharpie and write "child molester" on all these legal pads placed all over the place. (he owns a sewing machine store) anyway, I hightaled it outta there but lemme tell u how friggin' liberating and great it felt. ha! It was like confronting without the actual pain of face to face confronting. Most (I say all but we'll say 'most' here) abusers are NEVER going to own up to what they did... and trying to 'make' them, or get some kind of apology or empathy from them is like pulling teeth. They just aint right... not normal... sick... If they were good ppl with conscious .. they wouldn't have abused in the first place. Anyway, good luck to you!
Blessings*
Racquel

that really sux you know? i was molested also but from the time i was 3 until i was 14 by my father...he did all kinds of things to me..it was horrible i didnt know waht to do..i started cutting myself at age 13...i soon got help but then i just got worse after 3 months and started cutting again and doing drugs and develpoed an eating disorder my dad moved out when i was 14 but the last time seen him i was fifteen thats the day i went to the hospital for trying to over dose and kill myself i go to court against my father in june on the 19th...all i can say now is..things are hard to get over..=/

Lacies,
How are you feeling about going to court? It is definitely hard to get over the abuse we endured. Are you in therapy right now?