BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships contact with ex'es? and when to propose?

this is a little hard to explain so please bare with me and please dont judge me.

i have been seeing this girl off and on for about 9 months. she was engaged for part of this to another man. we are not proud of what happened but we couldnt help it. we are so in love and we already know that we want to marry. so here are my 2 issues...

firstly she has remained in touch with her ex fiance. i dislike this guy. he is not a bad guy but i cant stand him. he kept her from me for so long, he has hurt my gf really bad in the past, he is immature and annoying. since breaking up all of my gf's friends have said they are pleased they broke up as almost all of them disliked this guy so it isnt me being petty. i dont want her being in touch with him - it hurts me when they text each day and ring every 3 days or so. she has said she will cut contact if i ask her too. i am not sure what to do.

secondly, we both want to marry. despite the above problem i know she is the one for me and she wants to marry me. officially (to our families) we have only been seeing each other 2 months. when do you believe is the earliest i can propose? i am thinking in june july time.

again, i know you will judge me but nothing you can say to me will be worse than what i have said to myself. thank you for reading

1. She has to resolve the issue of talking to her ex of her own accord. That doesn't mean that the two of you can't/shouldn't talk about it, because you should - but if you -make- her stop talking to him, it will only result in bitterness on her part.

2. Have you ever considered that if she was willing to do that to him, she would be just as willing to do it to you, if she finds another guy who makes -you- look like a jerk? I'm not saying that she will, but a long engagement seems like the best course. You two need to know each other a little better, and allow your relationship to grow before you start rushing into things.

you write: "i have been seeing this girl off and on for about 9 months. she was engaged for part of this to another man. we are not proud of what happened but we couldnt help it. we are so in love and we already know that we want to marry. so here are my 2 issues..."

1. Yes, you can help it. It's called integrity and honor which makes you stop from doing something that is not right.

2. What makes you believe that she could not be just as easily lured away from you by a guy using the exact same tactics you've used? Leaving a relationship because it's not working and you need peace of mind is far different from leaving a relationship and hooking up with a guy you're in lust with.

you write: "firstly she has remained in touch with her ex fiance. i dislike this guy. he is not a bad guy but i cant stand him. he kept her from me for so long, he has hurt my gf really bad in the past, he is immature and annoying. "

I would say that she is not ready to be done with the relationship---as your relationship with her may not be founded on as solid a ground as you think it is. Under the circumstances you've posted with regards to how you two started, I would say that you are "rebound man". She may be having second thoughts about being with you if she's not giving up contact with her ex of her own volition. She shouldn't have to ask you if she should and you shouldn't have to tell her. Her integrity and her honor should scream to her that it is wrong and that she needs to choose and live with her choice.

you write: "since breaking up all of my gf's friends have said they are pleased they broke up as almost all of them disliked this guy so it isnt me being petty. i dont want her being in touch with him - it hurts me when they text each day and ring every 3 days or so. she has said she will cut contact if i ask her too. i am not sure what to do.

What her friends think and what you think about her boyfriend is non sequitur.. who cares what they think about him? The only person in a relationship with the guy is her and only her opinion counts with regards to him. None of you are her parents.

All you can do is to tell you don't want her in contact with her ex. That's it. You can't control her and make her do something she doesn't want to do. It's up to her to end things with the ex. If she won't, you only have two choices: accept it and remain without bringing it up constantly and be content in the relationship or don't accept it and leave. That's it. She's grown and can do what she wants to do. IF she isn't led to be 100% loyal to you, then you should consider yourself warned fairly and directly.

you write: " secondly, we both want to marry. despite the above problem i know she is the one for me and she wants to marry me. officially (to our families) we have only been seeing each other 2 months. when do you believe is the earliest i can propose? i am thinking in june july time.


You both may want to marry, but the question is does she want to marry you or her ex fiance? You've been seeing her on and off for 9 months while she was with another man; she breaks up with him and goes on the rebound with you for the past 2 months and she's convinced that she wants to live the rest of her life with you?

I wouldn't be pusing for a wedding this year. There is too much you two need to work out with the help of a relationship therapist FIRST before even thinking on taking that big of a step---because marriage solves nothing. In fact, it will over-amplify the problems you two are having like nothing else can. She isn't ready to give up her ex. Until that happens and she has no need to be in contact with him, you need to pull your game all the way back and adopt a wait and see attitude. When her actions say that she's ready to be in another committed relationship, then is when to propose.

You have been given some great advice. My suggestion is to read what they wrote again and follow it. You need to take things slow. To have your relationship fall apart later could be worse. Slow down! And you both need to bring integrity back into your relations as Quenek just said. I wish the best.