BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Would you have a child if...

JMB: That's precisely why I'm not going to have a child unless I'm wealthy. Also, I might never have children! I'm fine with either path in life, except for the third one which would be detrimental to all parties involved [poverty].

If I had lots of money I think I would be much much much more likely to have one child or more likely adopt one child. I have said that I am on the fence with kids and enjoy them. My big reason for not wanting kids is the money. If I had enough money to handle college/clothes and not sacrifice lots of things I want I would be more likely to adopt. Also if I had a lot of money I would use a good quality day care or hire a nanny and I see nothing wrong with that. I certianly wouldnt use a live in nanny or anything but I dont find anything wrong with having help I dont think it means you are not raising your child. It does make it easier if you have help and its great if you can have someone to watch the child for a few hours. Also I know if I had money I could provide for both my pets and my child and that would also be a big motivator in having a child. Also working would be optional if I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I dont believe in buying everything for children but I think that money is not the thing that generally spoils kids, its lack of limits. I know some very wealthy children whose parents provide quality educations and buy them gifts (why not) but they set limits on their behavior and make sure that they are aware of those less fortuante then they. They are less spoiled tehn many middle class kids whose parents set no behavioral limits. I also dont see why you cant have a child and contribute to charity (if you have money) ?Ive always felt I could be happy with a child or without so I see no reason to have one unless I change to strongly wanting one or have the money to make it easier and more pleasant for me, husband, and baby

tubby3pug, I've always admired you on these boards despite the backlash for being on the fence. It sounds like you have the same philosophy as myself: only have a child if you're somewhat wealthy, or don't have any at all. Although I don't have a strong desire for a child, that doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy being a mother. There are clearly sacrifices that both the childfree and parents must make in either of the two procreational choices. I'm not sure why the childfree on these boards are being so narrow-minded, since everyone can fully understand themselves only from an unbiased standpoint with an objective viewpoint of life in general. After all, only those who don't critize others can really claim to be perfectly happy with the decisions they've made throughout their entire life.

i would finally be able to afford a gestational surrogate or adoption, so i would probably be doing it (still not sure about surrogacy for some reason). however, right now i don't have the 50,000-70,000 lying around. some of my friends have ended up in serious debt trying to adopt or using a surrogate. i'm not going to do that. but i think if we did have the money, perhaps my husband would be more open to adoption. perhaps not. but we're going to accept what life has given us and remain without children. perhaps that's just the way it's supposed to be.

please don't flame me because i'm not childfree by choice. i like this board because you help me find the joys life has to offer me. but sometimes i feel weird posting here.

holles, I used to be 100-percent childfree. I used to think that those with infertility problems just didn't realize how lucky they were not to worry about condoms breaking. Now that I'm older, though, I empathize with you and those like you. If I ever become wealthy, I'd gladly pay for your opportunity to finally have a child! I've been on the verge of crying every time I read your posts about your desire to fulfill a childless void.

That's a rather broad statement, don't you think? That's a mightly well-defined world you live in, FrogK. I *might* have an "objective viewpoint of life in general" by the time I'm dead --- if I'm lucky. Meanwhile, I'm just limping along with the rest of the "subjective" people, it seems.

The proportion of childless folks (as opposed to childfree) on the board lately is making the eggshells pile up a little too deeply on the floor for my taste. Ladies, I really do feel for anyone who wants to be a parent and hasn't --- for whatever reason --- been able to do so. But there are many forums out there who are explicitly oriented towards that issue. Must you also criticize the truly childfree in the one forum that we've got in this neighborhood?

Rule #2 in the list of rules that Kim published for this forum states:

"Do not attempt to force your beliefs on others. The child free community is extremely diverse, and you will encounter many different points of view, *even though we all share the desire not to have children*."

All I can say is that if you're reluctantly childfree or childless, it's quite a different thing from being clearly, unapologetically childfree. My experience is that people are totally cool with a woman not having kids --- as long as she's *miserable* about it. Those of us who are unwavering in our viewpoint on not wanting to become parents need a bit of support --- the women in particular.

Perhaps (the argument has been made before) the "no kids" part of this forum's name is truly insufficient; maybe there really do need to be separate CF and childless forums here. The unfortunate gratuitous namecalling that flares up on other boards towards parents is comparatively *quite* muted here, which is one of the main reasons why I've enjoyed being here. But I'd expect the same courtesy coming back in the direction of the childfree, as well. I certainly thought, given the last 11 words of the abovementioned rule, that all of this would have been unnecessary, but...

I definitely need a break from this board. It's been fun, y'all ---

Elise

But I am childfree! I'm also childless! I'm simply indifferent on the issue. It doesn't matter to me if I procreate or not, since a life in either direction would be absolutely wonderful. All I'm asking is that you stop assuming what my beliefs are! Perhaps you should question me, rather than provoke me.

i see. i'm sorry to intrude. i guess married no kids isn't for me then.

i apologize for posting. i didn't realize that being honest about trying to cope with this would offend so many people. i don't judge you at all for choosing to be childfree. i wish i could have made this choice myself. it would have been a lot easier for me. but for some reason i wanted a child. i saw married no kids and thought it would relate to me. i guess not.

i'm sorry. i won't intrude on your forum anymore.

Holles Im sorry your feelings where hurt, I really ennjoy your posts and you sound to me like you are trying your hardest to make the best of difficult situation and deserve support. You are childfree through infertility which is a totally relevant choice. Its not like your trying to adopt or anything, you are trying to be positive about being childfree and embrace a life style. Also Jellyfish I have to tell you I may be kind of on the fence but I am NOT reluctantly childfree I am quite happy at this point in my life and in my current life situation to not have children and I assume I will never have kids, but I recognize that I am young and my feeling and opinions may change. I am also not misserable, if I was to be told I was pregnant today then I would be miserable. But some day I may possibly change my mind, Im sorry if that offends you but I still think I am 80% childfree. I totally understnad your desire to have peopel validate your choice not to have kids and believe me I do I think you are right you dont want kids you dont have them. I know how frustrating it is to have people constantly be shoving the idea of being a mom down your throat when you dont want to be one. (It drives me mad when people ask me when are you having kids) I do not think there is anything wrong with your choice ,anything wrong with your, or that your choice is in the least bit wierd. I wish I was as clear in my feelings about motherhoood as you are. Im a waffler by nature its just me. I just am having difficulty making up my mind, as are lots of other people. I like this forum because its one of the places where I can see the childfree life style as most of the time its motherhood every where. Im just trying to make a good deciison. I will probably never have kids ane be as childfree/childless as you. I dont think you are being narrowminded (I understand you just want to be around like minds) but I would just like to gently suggest that when we put forward the idea that motherhood is all thankless missery and there is no pleasure in it and no possibility of happiness its a lot like parents who say having kids is the only way to go and your life is worthless if you dont reproduce. People can make the decision to be childfree and still acknowlege that there may be some things about motherhood that would have been exciting or pleasant, just like people can have kids and think that had they made the decision not to have kids they may have had an exciting life. Whatever choice you make you are giving something up. I think it would be great if we could support all women who are childfree/reluctant to have kids, not everyone will have the same reasons for being childfree or the same conviction about it but it does not mean that you cannot support eachother. Isnt it a positive thing that people are exploring all options and not stumbling blindly into parenthood or childfreedom

holles, I too have enjoyed your posts and would be quite disappointed if you leave. It's your right to leave, though, so I respect your decision. And tubby3pug, thank you for civilly clarifying my thoughts on this forum. You were 100-percent accurate regarding my views on this issue. And I apologize to bonsai, for I've enjoyed her posts as well. I acknowledge that the word "narrow-minded" may be too harsh, but I'm not going to withdraw from that perspective. I think the belief that all mothers lead miserable lives is an extremely biased perspective that should be eradicated on this forum.

Otherwise, we'd be cheating ourselves of the opportunity to explore various lifestyle alternatives.