BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids bending over backwards for parents

hi everyone! i haven't posted for a while but i'm always reading the posts and enjoying them. i just had to write this b/c it's been irking me all day. my friend called me last night and left a message asking me if she could come over and hang out. i called her this morning after cancelling previous plans and then she tells me that she can't get together b/c her sister who is also a good friend of mine asked her to watch her kids so she can do some errands. i told my friend that it was too bad that we couldn't get together but i was annoyed b/c i had cancelled my other plans and it sounded like my friend got the call from her sister at the last minute.i try to be flexible with people who have kids but for some reason this really irked me. my friend asked me if i wanted to come over there but after she told me that the kids are sick(one is throwing up with the flu)i said that i have sinuses as it is and i really dont' want to get sick. my friend was joking about coming over but i can't believe that my friend's sister would ask her to come over knowing that the kids were sick. what do you think? i have a friend who has als and i usually go over and visit him once a week but if i have even a cold i dont' go over b/c i dont' want to get him sick. to me that's being considerate.

i guess i'm just disappointed too b/c i really wanted to get together with my friend esp. b/c my husband was going to be gone all day and it would have been a girl's hanging out day.

thanks for letting me vent that. this is one of the reasons why i really like this site. i feel like i can say things that i really dont' feel comfortable saying to a lot of people but that many of you can understand and relate to.

happy holidays!

indigo

Hi Indigo!

Wow, it sounds like your friend's sister is thoughtless, asking someone to babysit sick kids! I've been there, done that with the whole accommodating parents thing; thank goodness my close friends now either don't have kids or have older kids who are more independent and past the needy/clingy baby-toddler stage.

When I was looking at wedding dresses, I made the mistake of bringing along a friend and her baby. I didn't want to hurt the friends' feelings -- she was in my wedding and wanted to help me select a gown, although were no longer friends now -- but I wish she could've left the baby at home. There was another day we were doing wedding stuff and she had to bring him because her husband didn't want to watch him, and it was a drag. There was one shop we were basically turned away from because they didn't want her baby crawling around the shop floor. I don't blame them, though. Hopefully, I'm through with the whole round of baby showers for friends (although some of my co-workers have given me trouble over the kid issue).

I think in the future, I would be more careful about making plans with this friend. If you happen to be free when she wants to hang out, fine, but I wouldn't cancel any plans to hang out with her. Tell her your time is valuable to you; if she makes a commitment to hang out with you, she needs to follow through, unless she herself is sick or some emergency besides babysitting. Sounds like her sister is taking advantage of her (but I'm kind of sensitive about these things -- I make it a policy not to babysit anymore) Otherwise, I wouldn't go out of my way to make plans with her. Stay busy with other stuff.

I don't blame you for being irked. I remember after my friend who was in my wedding had her baby - she never had time for me unless she wanted something, like free babysitting or a ride when her car broke down. I actually did go over to her house after her son was born and help out with chores around the house, errands. I wouldn't have minded helping, except her attitude changed after her son arrived. I was basically expected to cater to her needs, but if I asked for something, then I "owed" her. I just felt like she thought everyone should cater to her (as if she's the only woman in the world who's ever given birth).

I personally am trying to avoid friendships with people with small children. It's just a lot easier to be acquaintences with them; that way, I don't feel like I'm being taken for granted or taken advantage of in terms of time, etc.

Happy New Year!

Karen

How frustrating. I second karenb -- no more canceling plans for this individual. It's sad that she's allowing her sister to take advantage of her, though. Her sister will likely continue to do so until she establishes some boundaries.

I've tended to avoid befriending parents of small children myself, although a friend of mine recently had a baby. Everyone's stories about such friendships are scaring me. Although I don't mind having a baby around, I prefer to stay away from toddlers.

My ex used to do this all the time. We'd have plans, and he'd cancel on me as I was walking out the door. The reason? His brother and SIL want to go out to party! He wouldn't even consider telling them "no". That's why he's an "ex".

What was even worse is when we'd plan to meet someplace after work. He'd show up with their kid, and expect me to entertain it. Even after explaining that I wanted to see him, not someone else's child, he didn't get it.

Sometimes some friends are just not dependable. I have a friend like that...she doesn't even have kids and it's always one thing or another that causes her to cancel our plans.

Babysitting sick kids...I think for the benefit of everyone involved, especially the child and his/her emotional well being, the mother or father should be with them. I don't think it bodes well for kiddo's feelings that mom feels her errands are more important than tending to her very sick child. That's downright rude to the kid.

Where's the father in all this? Why couldn't he run errands or babysit?

If I were put in the friend's position I would have offered to run errands for the sister *after* I was done with my previous appointment (i.e., getting together with my friend), or if it was urgent I'd put up money to hire a real babysitter. (Cause I am not really a babysitter at all.) I admit it's tough choosing between my best friend or my sister, but I tend to say, first come, first served.

There are other people who can babysit, but who is to replace your best friend on Girls Day Out?

And how many girls' days out will you really have in your lifetime? Life is too short to worry about doing other people's chores. Put the fun, memorable stuff as a priority. That's what you'll value the most when your life draws to a close.

hi everyone! thanks so much for all the replies. i really appreciate your comments and esp. the understanding. i really believe that my friend did feel bad about cancelling (i could tell in her voice that she was annoyed at her sister) but didnt' feel like she could say no. i'm an only child myself so i really can't relate to the sibling thing. i've come to realize that having friends is great but that i need to make myself a first priority. that is what i intend to do.

i find as i get older and maybe b/c i'm cf and don't have to tolerate a lot of stuff that parents do that i'm a lot less tolerant of people and situations. does anyone else feel the same way?


i agree that my friend with the sick kids should have handled the situation differently.i dont' know where her husband was. even though she's one of my best friends she tends to be selfish and want people to do what she wants. this was a problem for a while with my hubby b/c he really resented that. i have since put my foot down and dont' just do or just go wherever she wants anymore. she really is a great friend otherwise. i dont' want you thinking that she's not it's just that this particular situation bothered me.

thanks again for listening.

also i was wondering about people's social life. i find that now that i'm in my mid 30's i dont' socialize as much as before. i used to go out with my friends all the time but now i'm just happy seeing them every so often. i think maybe it's b/c i've really thought about my priorities and how i want to spend my time. also b/c i'm not a parent perhaps who frequently have to socialize b/c of their kids(different activities, school, etc...)i still like to go out but just not all the time.

i agree about having fun , another reason to be cf in my book!

everytime i'm with parents it just reinforces my decision to be cf!

indigo

Funny you should make the comment about yourself being an only child and your friend having siblings. I just mended fences with my best friend of many years after quite a bit of time apart. Looking back, I, the one with siblings, had begun to treat her as a sibling and tended to take her for granted. She, the only child, got fed up and 'quit the friendship' for awhile. Her absence from my life made me realize how much I really did value her friendship.

I'm in my mid-30s as well and find I don't feel as inclined to be out as much either. I also tend to hold people more accountable for their actions now, which might come off as less sympathetic / tolerant.

bassgirl, now that i read your post i realize that i hold people more accountable too and probably has a lot to do with how i live my life now. i hope that everyone has a happy new year! i know it sounds cliche but i have decided to really make a new's year's resolution list. i don't usually make them but i figure if i write them down and maybe post them on my fridge i'll stick to it. just wondering if anyone else was doing the same thing and what their resolutions were if any.

indigo

I'm in my early 30s and find that I also put up with less cr*p the older I get. Partly it's understanding myself better and knowing my limitations, and partly it's becoming more aware that life is too short to spend on people who don't treat you right, or are big drama queens all the time.

Hi everyone! well here we go again. my cousin and his family asked to come over to my parents' house today a while back. my mom said that she would call and let me know what time. well she called and said that they were comin at 1pm which isn't really a great time for us b/c we have a lot to do on sundays. anyway, not only they just announce a time to my parents they also informed them that they're coming over for brunch! mind you it's my cousin,his wife, and their 4 yes four kids. my mom asked me if i could be over by 1pma and i told her not so nicely "i guess so" but geez what is wrong with people. just b/c they have kids they think other people have to adhere to what is convenient for them? of course my mom "suffering" from the martyr syndrome didnt' say anything to him but i'm sure i'll hear about it after they leave. i just think it's very rude of them to put my mother out like that. of course she could have said something too. i know parents of course that are very considerate of others esp. those w/o kids but it seems like others have this sense of "well i have kids" so you have to understand and blah blah blah. my husband and i are pretty busy ourselves and while i am glad to see my cousin(i haven't seen him in a few years)i just think that it was rude the way they went about it.

thanks for letting me vent about this. my hubby is also upset and told me that we dont' have to go. well, i'm very close to my mom and from what i hear the kids can get unruly so she's going to need support.i generally like my cousin so i'm a little surprised by his behavior. his wife on the other hand nobody likes so it should be an interesting day.

indigo