BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie intro and question

Hi, I'm 38, live with my boyfriend, divorced three years ago after being married for nine years/no kids. I love kids but after many years of hemming and hawing have pretty much decided not to have children. My ex-husband and I never felt it was the right time and we were both pretty ambivalent about it, and now I just can't imagine starting now, at this age, for many reasons that include 1) the fact that I just can't seem to get super-excited about having a baby, and my boyfriend doesn't seem to care either way 2) I don't want to be a 40-year-old new mother 3) I like my stress-free life now after many years in a stressful, bad marriage 4) I don't feel I could handle having a handicapped child 5) I feel SO relieved when I think of my life w/o kids. I've told my immediate family and some friends about my non-kid plans.

Here's my question: While I'm tentatively secure in my decision, and really enjoy my sister/brother's kids and my friends' children, I always end up feeling like the young, immature one next to my family and friends with kids. I mean, I'm 3 years older than my sister and yet now since she's a mother somehow I feel younger. Somehow I feel society makes it that parents are grownups and non-parents just aren't. I know it's my own insecurities that fuel these feeling, but how can I make myself feel like a grown-up in a room full of parents that are raising kids? I just feel like there's something in the air that makes me, the non-parent, the perpetual adolescent. And I resent it so much! This whole thing is so painful to me because I feel like a bit of a social outcast. Even though I have other friends that don't have kids (some yet, some won't ever), I am still way in the minority in certain circles, particularly around holidays with family. i grew up in a religious Jewish family, so you can imagine.

Welcome, Cleowin!

Your "just can't seem to get super-excited" comment is classic. There's plenty of reasons not to have kids (the environment, your budget, health reasons), but somehow "I just don't wanna" should be as good as any. Parents and their talk about parenting sometimes remind me of religious fundamentalists...they have a verse or passage for every argument, many of which contradict each other. When they say it's the toughest job in the world, and then also more or less imply it's something that everyone should do, I just shake my head.

When your nieces, nephews, and young cousins get older, things will get easier for you --- for several reasons:

a) You'll be older and more sure of yourself
b) The kids themselves will be into the tween/teen years, a lot harder on their parents, and looking for other relatives (like cool Auntie Cleowin) to hang with as they start to distance themselves from their parents
c) The parents will be past most of the "romance" part of parenting, which seems to accompany pre-adolescent kids. It changes, believe me (at the risk of boring the rest of the folks on this list, let me add, Cleowin, that I'm a high school music teacher). Parents of little kids band together and talk about every last little thing, do playdates together, etc....parents of teens hear about a fellow parent friend's troubles with their teen, and basically say "Wow...sorry to hear it...sucks to be you!". It probably has to do with the idea that babies are a lot more alike than teens are.

My brother converted to (reformed) Judaism for my sister-in-law. When she was done having her twins (enough for her!), she asked me if I'd like to have a pile of books she'd collected on the decision to have kids or not. The two of them had had a terrible time with infertility and were just about to throw in the towel (maybe adopt) when they got the news about the twins. She was very non-judgmental about it, saying "These books just help you ask the questions...they don't suggest an answer. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but once I hit infertility, I wanted to ask myself just how important kids were to me. Turns out...pretty important".

I was pretty shocked; I'd expected that if they'd said anything, it might be kind of condescending, in the "I'm a parent, you're not", older sibling type way (doesn't help that I *am* indeed the youngest of three). Nothing of the sort.

I have received poor treatment at the hands of other parents --- mostly acquaintances, not friends, thank goodness.

As time goes on, the "environmental" reason for not having kids will probably become more important, with nearly 7 billion on the planet now and projections that we'll go a lot higher before we level off, and species going extinct every day...if an acquaintance gives you grief, you'll be able to say "Hey --- the fact that I chose not to have kids makes life for your kid that much better. Next question?". If it's a friend, something a little more in-depth would be in order, for sure...

Elise

i have the feeling too that i'm immature and will be like peter pan compared to my friends. my story is a bit different from most of the women on this forum though. we tried for almost 10 years to have a child (went through all sorts of things in the process and are now ending that journey), so not only do i feel like i'm never going to be viewed as a grown-up around my friends, i also feel like i won't be welcome to share in their joys like i wish. when someone is pregnant, the announcement usually comes to me in the form of, "now don't get mad, but......" <img src="/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

anyway, i have no advice except to enjoy the freedom you do have. your siblings might envy it more than you think. and congrats for getting into a relationship where you're happy. that's so important. sometimes i feel our life experiences mature us and make us wise, so going through what you have with the ex and all, well, that right there probably gave you more wisdom than you know.

hope i helped a little bit.

(((hugs)))

Welcome, Cleowin!

From time to time, I wonder if other people think I don't want to "grow up" because I don't want to have kids, but quite frankly, I've been doing lots of grown up things for a while now and feel pretty confident that I'm an adult. I guess some things that I think of are 1) I pay taxes (lots of taxes) 2) At work, I am a defacto leader/manager for 5 women who are older than me, AND I take care of my boss too, because her husband died earlier this year and she's not doing too well 3) I vote 4) My husband and I are living below our means and knocking off debt left and right...etc etc. Yes it's true that I won't aquire a certain set of skills and wisdom that some parents get, but they won't know everything that I do because they're busy parenting.

Anyone who gets snide about it to you is probably jealous, and acting rather "childish" themselves!

I'm happy to be the immature one. I really enjoy goofing off with my nieces and nephews. I can run around and be silly and the kids don't judge me. I suppose I haven't become a "grown-up" yet, but seeing how some so-called grown-ups act, or think they have to act, I'll be happy to be immature my whole life. Maybe they feel that way because we don't have the responsibility of a dependent. Whatever! I'm the youngest 36 year old I know!

I tend to feel like the 'younger' thing is an advantage, myself. I still like to learn, try new things and have fun.

During the times I feel weird about it, I remind myself of all the grown-up things I do like own real estate, pay taxes, own / operate a business, etc...

If someone else decides I'm immature because I'm not a parent, that's their problem.

I don't think that non-parents are immature or not a grown up...and I don't think they should feel that way. Alot of people who don't want to have their own kids are very career driven and that can be just as much work as a fulltime parent, if not more. Or they like to travel and try new things that with a child would be next to impossible. And there are lots of parents who ARE immature and probably shouldn't have had kids.

I've said it before, it's just a personal preference. No one should be judged for it. And no one should feel guilty about their decision.

I think it�s better we follow our wishes and sane act than what society like for us. Every thing depends on our attitude and style of living we like to.

About me I�m a married guy that have a daughter 12 years old. I love her and she is really my asset, losing her is my nightmare but if I have this chance to back to the time when I hadn�t her, probably I chose no child marriage. I tell probably because first of all had to get my wife agreement.

Wow, thanks so much to all who replied. I have been feeling very alone in this and naturally it feels great to hear from those who are going through the same thing or can sympathize!

Many thanks! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think lala 21 makes some great points. I wish some of my friends with kids were more like you. I have had one friend, Im his daughter's godmother, tell me anyone who doesnt have kids cant possible like kids. He say this even though I work as a special education teacher with severe disbailites and volunteer with kids in my free time. I think the main reason I dont have kids is because I get my kid fix at work and I cant afford to be a stay at home mom. All the labels and sterotypes of childfree and people with kids drive me crazy too. I cant stand the stereotype that people without kids dont like them (since I do), that they are career driven (Im not at all), or that they are totally freaked out by bodily functions (I change the diapers of 21 year olds at work and thats a lot more then any baby). I also cant stand the stereotype that moms are more mature, more womanly, or morally superior just because they have kids. I think the labelling and stereotyping is going on completely equally on both sides of the fence.