BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Manipulative Adult Step Children

I could use some advice.

Four yrs ago, I (47) married a wonderful man (59), both our second marriage. He has an adult child (now 25), who lives in another state. Although his daughter is a beautiful young woman, she is very manipulative and only contacts him, or returns calls when she needs/wants something...like money, buying a car, ent assistance, etc. We don't see her very often, maybe a few times :confused a year, when we go to visit her.

Her manipulative behavior extends to her relationships with men she dates/lives with. She was engaged, living with a niceguy, but broke up and moved away to HI for a month, and an interest in a new guy.. Homesick, she moved back, begged the ex-fiance to take her back, which he surprisingly did. She just ditch him again due to a new love interest.

She took 5 years to complete com. college, and dabbles at a pseudo part-time job, because the boyfriend was supporting her.

Problem: She's coming to visit for Thanksgiving for 7 days, and I'm dreading the visit, and watching the manipulative behavior unfold. She really plays it for all it's worth. I'm really trying to "steel" myself for this one. Advice on getting through this visit, and a better relationship going forward?

This is hard. I mean, we're talking about the personality of the girl and not even God interferes with the free will of a person. I guess in this situation, what I would do is just pray... pray that she'll meet someone who can match wits with her and send her crying because she finally realized how selfish she's been.... lol... but I mean it.

Your stepdaughter is obviously a confused and immature young woman. However, the problem doesn't really lie with her, but with her father (your husband).

I was struck by the events that prompted her to call her dad, and all of them seemed to revolve around HER. More specifically, her need for money or for him to bail her out of a bind.

Don't expect this behavior to magically change by itself. May Angelou says that we teach people how to treat us. I would say that's probably true with your husband.

He may have allowed this type of behavior to continue for several reasons:
1. Out of his feelings of guilt
2. Because rescuing her makes him feel important
3. Because he equates money with love and doesn't know
any other way to connect with her

Regardless which of these reasons (or some others I haven't listed) drives his behavior, only HE can fix it. If he stops dancing to the same music, she will be forced to dance differently, as well. But changing old ways of relating are extremely difficult to do.

I highly recommend that he read the book, "Emotional Blackmail," that I mentioned in my article. It wouldn't hurt for you to read it, too. So often, those who are being manipulated by loved ones just never see it. This book helps to open their eyes.

As far as the Thanksgiving visit goes, my only advice is to try to remember that it's only for 7 days. You might even like to do something you've wanted to do alone, which would give your husband and his daughter some alone time together. When all three of you are together, try to find something "safe" to do, like watching a movie. If you like to play board or table games, now would be a good time to get them out, as well.

If she has a habit of trying to get her dad to buy her stuff while she's there, you might want to have a discussion with him beforehand about it. Also, if you avoid going to the places where she'd most likely do this (like the mall) it will minimize the chances of it happening.

Concerning your relationship with her, one thing I started doing when my twenty-something stepdaughter visits is to cook a meal at home instead of going out to a restaurant. She barely knows how to boil water, so started asking me questions about how I prepared certain dishes. One time I bought the ingredients and when she visited, I looked on while she prepared her father his favorite meal. Remarkably, this activity has helped to bond us.

Finally, just remember that you really don't have a dog in this fight. I know that's hard to swallow (Been there--done that!) but it's true. There's not a lot you can do except not allow her to do it to you. I know that it hurts to watch these scenarios play out because you love your husband and hate to see him taken advantage of. You can try to make him see how his compliance is hurting her, but don't hold your breath. It may take a long time for him to discover that truth for himself.

Best of luck and I hope you are able to have a Happy Thanksgiving!

I could relate to inarizona. My stepdaughter is 29 and has been living with us for about 2 months. I just cannot tolerate her sleeping all day & being on the computer all nite, flooding the bathroom whenever she takes a shower, lying, being secretive, & yet spending 2.5hrs. to tell me about the abuse she and her younger brother & older sister had to tolerate from an alcoholic stepfather while growing up. I asked if she had talked with her family about him and she said they have NEVER talked about him! So, why did she want to tell me? My husband divorced their mom when they were 2,5,8 and give up his parental rights, too. He hasn't heard from them until about 3.5 yrs. ago and now suddenly this middle daughter has moved right in and the oldest dgtr. (32)is a drug addict with a Bach./Psych & doesn't work and is divorcing her 18 yrold husband who just returned from Iraq & wants a divorce. She wants to come out here, too! I'm at the end of my rope! I took the dghtr staying here with us to find an apt. last Mon. She has gone back to her Mom's for T-giving and will be returning after T-giving. The movein date is 11/30 -but she is bound & determined to come HERE first and stay til her Mom sends her furniture. If anyone has some advice -please tell me what I can do! John is guilt ridden & yet understands my plight -but he keeps saying she'll be moved out one of these days. I'm ready to take my 2 Ragdoll kitties (they are so afraid of her!) and find an apt. of my own!

Lynn59,

Just when I'd thought I'd heard it all...I read your post! Wow! You are truly in a tough spot.

You briefly mentioned that your husband feels guilty and that "one of these days" his daughter would move. Funny, but if he felt so guilty, why didn't he contact his kids sooner? I know he gave up his parental rights, but once they were 18 they were officially adults. Anyway, it seems that he's taking the passive route again by sitting back and doing nothing about this invasive situation to your marriage.

Obviously, his daughters had issues growing up, as their behavior demonstrates. However, that doesn't mean they aren't responsible for that behavior. Clearly, the girl living with you has it made. I absolutely would NOT allow the older daughter to come live with you, too. If she wants to come out that's her business. Maybe she could room with her sister in her new apartment. I would stand my ground about that. It's easier to prevent her from moving in than it will be to move her out!

Concerning the younger daughter returning for a week after Thanksgiving, there�s probably not much you can do about it at this late date. She�ll be moving out the following week, right? If her furniture mysteriously fails to show up, I would get her some Goodwill stuff or even some pieces from your own house to get her out ON THE 30TH! That way you can take away the excuse that her mom hasn�t sent it. The bare essentials will get her by for a while, and she might demand that her mom send it ASAP if she�s that uncomfortable. Amazing, but comfort tends to keep us complacent. Discomfort is a motivator for change. You might want to keep that in mind as you journey through this trial.

You also need to have some MAJOR discussions with your husband about his failure to protect you and your marriage from his children. He can still have a relationship with them without providing free room and board for grown adults! He will only be fueling their inappropriate behavior and immaturity if he allows his guilt to continue making him an enabler.

If he refuses, I'm afraid you will be forced to look closer at your marriage. I am a firm believer in standing by our vows to love and cherish, etc. But I'm also acutely aware that too many people stay in abusive or damaging environments, in the name of love. Clearly, having a grown woman (or two!) invade your home does nothing to promote your own sense of safety and well-being. I'm not referring so much to physical, as I am to emotional. Dealing with the type of situation you describe will take its toll on you eventually. Are you really willing to give up your peace of mind to perpetuate an obviously unhealthy home?

I would give your husband a chance to do the right thing and choose you and your marriage. It's TOO LATE to be the father he never was to his minor children. He needs to forge out another type of healthy relationship with them, but it's definitely not playing father to adults that are acting like irresponsible kids.

If he refuses to take action or continues to take the passive road, I would do whatever it took to protect myself...even if that meant taking my Ragdoll kitties and leaving. By the way, animals are great judges of character. If they are scared of his daughter, I'm concerned that she may have been mean to them. You have an obligation to protect them as their caregiver.

Finally, I really hope you and your husband can get this resolved with your marriage in tact. However, we only get one life, Lynn. It would be a shame to give up 5 or 10 years (or the rest of it!) waiting for this dysfunction to take care of itself!

These are only my opinions, which I know is all you asked for. Best of luck to you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

for inarizona:

When I entered a similar story with my husband's daughter, I was so disappointed I was going to have to go through the story I'd heard friends had experienced. I had been divorced 22 years when I married last year and had never encountered difficult adult stepchildren in all my years of dating. So when I watched how manipulative the 32 year old daughter was, I knew something had to be done. The issue, of course, was with my husband. Reading other similar stories here, I see we had a lot of plusses going for us. First of all, my husband bonded to me well, which diminished my stepdaughter's manipulative power. Also, he did not want to continue to support his daughters behavior, which he had created by spoiling her unmercifully.

What we did was read Step Wars together which is a book about dealing with adult stepchildren. My husband decided to see a counselor about the matter for an extended period of time. That gave him an objective reaction to the situation and encouraged his resolve to help his daughter detach and grow up.

It has not been easy. When he withdrew financial support which she didn't need. It was just a point of manipulation, she stopped speaking to him for many months. When he refused to let her call and drone on and on about her problems, she stopped speaking to him again. The purpose of manipulation for a spoiled daughter with her father is the threat of her not loving him anymore and I'm sure many men find this very frightening. My husband did, but he hung in there, and the daughter slowly returned. But I can't say that the return is easy. She returns to being her manipulative self and he triggers into knee-jerk responses before he realizes what he's doing and gets firm again. It's a long standing habit that takes a lot of work to change.

After we read the book, Step Wars, I came to the conclusion that the more maladapted or dysfunctional the family/marriage the children came from, the tougher it is to deal with the adult step children. In our case, the mother was mentally ill with a delusional disorder. Add to that, both kids use withdrawal and shunning a lot, and so talking to them becomes impossible, and growth takes forever. Because the first marriage of 33 years was bad for a long time, I'm sure my husband fell into the pattern of spoiling to have some point of happiness, but the end result can be very difficult adult children.

The bottom line is that the father created the monster and is the only one who can bring about change. It takes courage and constant work and the desire to do this. I was able to see the possibilites in my own husband because of his devotion to our relationship, an in the end, a sadness that what he was permitting in his daughter was making her unhappy. Things aren't completely "fixed" for us with his children, or all that good with the daughter, but this sort of change really takes a long time. At least the former behavior is not being supported.

I think the best thing we got out of Step Wars was that we were not alone and that many people were going through variations of the same theme. Older adults marrying and having a tough time with grown children is an ignored problem, but very, very real. The book is targeted at older adults dealing with unhappy adult stepchildren, and I would encourage anyone stuggling with this topic to get it as a beginning place to get some help in addition to this forum. The problem is not unique. The critical thing is not to let adult stepchildren interfer with your marriage. We make our marriage first, and are sure to let the adult children know that. Dispite the fact we had it good. The kids don't live with us and both have good careers. But one of the children told me they hated me and it was heart breaking. Watching the daughter disrespect her father with her treatment was very painful. My husband andd I remain very open about our painful feelings with one another and work together towards change. He needs my support, but he does the work.

Of course, like you, Inarizona, we worry about my stepdaughter's ability to function in future relationships. Her career is her life at this time and we have no idea how she will be in a relationship. She is selfish beyond the pale. She uses the worst relationship tools possible to hurt with. She may end up married to her career, which might be a good thing.

I wish you well. Your husband must be involved and it will be very hard for him to change typical reactions to his child, but he will have to if things are to change. Like anything else, it takes practice.

I know this sounds terrible.. but I could not believe that someone else has the same problem! It is unbelievable to watch and listen as the daughters and their father's 90 yrs old dad and other relatives manilpulate this poor man that I love so very much. I told him it is his job to say "no more" and "stop them playing with his guilt feelings". They have been the only reason for many times during our 4 yrs together for him to storm out of the house and a relationship with me. Only to call and beg to come back when he realized there would be no one to love him as it should be. It is enough to make you throw up.

Like this past Thanksgiving. Came to the house full of folks and went into the kitchen with their father and talked about the movie stars and who they are dating. Meanwhile, I had the Thanksgiving meal to prepare and when I went into my own kitchen, they would look at me like what are you doing here? and just stop talking. Tell me how that would make you feel? Oh yes, I have invited them many times to come and have Thanksgiving with us but turned down so I do not ask anything any more and stay very much on just simple topics when spoken to if their dad doesnt push them to say, Hi! or Bye!

My guests feel very much uncomfortable! My brother and future son in law have all tried to get them to join us but they look at them like we all are intruding!

HELP! I can tell our relationship is not 100% all due to them. I am tired of being blamed that I hate them. I told my beloved. I dont hate them I hate how this all is appearing and it should not be! That HE needs to make the changes. Well there is alot more but I get sick to my stomach when it gets too much. Trying to hang in there... Could someone please cancel Christmas? I dont think I can deal with this again!

Here I sit sort of hidden in my own home so I dont have to be with the manipulative adult daughter that is supposed to come with her new husband that her father and I have never met... ugh! help!!!!

Well isnt it amazing... the new hubby didnt come with her... she walks in the door complaining as usual.