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#280643 11/13/06 12:07 PM
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I'm lying on my lounge, extremely tired and unable to think straight, unable to move. I am extremely weak and have a massive headache and all i can think about is the food that i do not want to eat. I have suddenly had a major realisation tonight that my life is not as it should be. i have anorexia and for a number of years have not wanted to receive help. i live on my own. have been in a major abusive relationship. but that is in the past and in order to cope i have chosen not to eat for some time now. it seemed to work. however as i lie here contemplating my life, i ask myself - am i really in control?

i am so scared to ask for help. i honestly do not know that i can do this. i am 22. my family live six hours away and i do not keep in contact with them and i have very few friends.

I'm terrified. I just need advice.

Thanks

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#280644 11/13/06 01:10 PM
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I'm so proud of you for reaching out like this! You're showing so much strength and courage, pinklulu. This is the first step towards getting better -- towards enjoying life, friends, food, and your own self again! Good for you. Now, you'll be in control instead of the food and anorexia controlling you.

My advice is to immediately call a Distress Line, counselor, eating disorder clinic, or doctor. There are trained people who can help you deal with your anorexia.

If you feel embarrassed or ashamed, remember that thousands of women seek help every day - and that shows control and courage. I went for counseling for a year, and admitting that I had an eating disorder was humiliating. But counselors deal with issues like this all the time, every single day, and they know how to help you get healthy again.

Australia - Anorexia Bulimia Nervosa Association
Tel: (08) 8212 1644

Australia - Eating Disorders Association, Inc.
Tel: (07) 38762500

If you go to the websites of your library or Amazon and search for books on eating disorders, you'll find lots of help there.

Call the hospital or emergency if you need immediate attention -- your body is probably dehydrated and malnourished, which is why you're weak and have a headache.

Or, call an eating disorders clinic - they may have staff around the clock who are prepared to help you right away.

Let us know what steps you've taken, okay? We're pulling for you, and sending health and wellness your way.....

Take care, stay in touch,
Laurie

#280645 11/13/06 02:45 PM
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That was awesome advice! I can't think of anything better for you to do.

I wish you all the best.
Laura

#280646 11/20/06 04:47 AM
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Hello,

Thankyou Laurie for your prompt reply. As soon as I read your post, i got on the phone to the ambulance and i was taken straight to the hospital - where i have been for almost a week. apparently i was suffering from the effects of severe dehydration as well as some other complications. They released me on the condition that i would be back for outpatient treatment(which i have decided not to go to). i feel a lot better and gaining weight really is not the right decision for me at the moment. i have to get back to work. That is my priority right now.

Thankyou once again for your help
pinklulu

#280647 11/20/06 05:33 AM
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Quote:
Hello,

They released me on the condition that i would be back for outpatient treatment(which i have decided not to go)


Well that's just asking for trouble. If they released you on that condition, then the least you could do is to keep your side of the bargain.

Work is not your priority.
YOU are your priority.
If you're ill again, you'll be off work anyway, and that won't be doing anyone any favours, will it?

Don't be silly.
Do as you agreed.
Don't be so irresponsible.

#280648 11/20/06 01:01 PM
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Pinklulu,

I was so glad to hear from you! I've been thinking about you -- last night as I was falling asleep, I decided to put an "APB" (All Points Bulletin) on the forum, asking where you were and what happened.

Good decision, to call the ambulance. That must have been scary - to spend a week in the hospital! Did you tell your parents or coworkers? Do you feel more energetic and healthy now?

I'm not sure why you've decided not to do the outpatient therapy. I understand work is a priority, but as Alexandra said - you are your number 1 priority, and you'll no doubt end up back in the hospital, missing more work, if you don't deal with the root of the problem (it sucks, I know. My year of counseling was the hardest thing I ever did -- I even hated my counselor for awhile! But without that year, I would never have dealt with a bunch of things that were holding me back from loving and being healthy and living life fully).

How much more can your body take? Those complications will get worse and even more complicated if you continue on this road. Next time, you may be hospitalized for a month, and they'll force you to eat so you don't die.

Get help, pinklulu. Get help before it's too late.

Did you read my post about the Brazilian model? Dead at 21, and she weighed 88 pounds. I thought of you when I posted it....

All right, enough nagging!

Stay in touch,

Warm fuzzy thoughts and best wishes and hugs,
Laurie

PS At the very least, get a book on anorexia, or surf the net for sites that are helpful.

PPS Make friends with food again. Anne Lamott's "Traveling Mercies" is such a great book about life mostly, and I'll never forget one chapter about her struggle with binging. She had to learn how to listen to her body, and even learn how to know when she was hungry. Food was controlling her.

#280649 11/20/06 01:20 PM
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Two words, Pink: Karen Carpenter


Jan Goldfield

#280650 11/20/06 09:51 PM
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Oh Boy!!

Let me tell you about the craziest morning that I have just had.

I'm all shaky and jittery and sooo nervous but it has to be a step in the right direction (i hope).

After reading all of your posts I realised that there are people out there who care and I got a massive guilt attack and all I could think about was dying of a sudden heart attack - which really freaked me out. Surely there has to be more to life than just living and dying.

So in my insanity I made some decisions.

I am currently on leave from work for a number of weeks. But I went over to my work and spoke to my boss and I resigned from my job - effective immediately. I told him what had happened over the last week - my being in hospital - and the reason why. I told him that I needed to focus on my recovery and I could not do that while I am still working. He seemed relieved. He told me that he and the other workers had noticed a problem for some time now but weren't too sure how to say anything. We are a small close knit group in my workplace and we are all good friends. It was a nice parting.

Then, I went into the hospital and spoke to my case manager and told her that I had quit my job and was going to put all my energy into recovery. I told her exactly how I had felt in not wanting to come back and I told her how I hadn't planned on coming back but that something had changed within me and I felt compelled to come back. I told her how scared and fearful I was about the future and its uncertainty. She is now going to call me every day to make sure that I am on track and do not lose sight of my main purpose (recovery).

So that is my life up until now (lunchtime) - I do not know whether i have made the right decision or not - I am terrified of life without my job and what the future may bring. Know that I have only one goal now. I hope it works out.

Thankyou for all your help. You have no idea of the change that it has sparked within me.

Pinklulu

#280651 11/21/06 12:15 AM
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Pink,
Good job. You should be proud of yourself. Every day should get better and better. See if you can get on some sort of disability(not sure of australian social services) or even a facility you can stay at. As you get better life will get better and I know you will have another job waiting for you.
Remember there are all these people pulling and praying for you.

#280652 11/21/06 12:30 AM
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Pink, I do hope you can stay in inpatient care and find a great therapist. S/he can get you through this to a healthy you. It's loads of hard work, but you are certainly capable of that. Look how hard you have worked to try to control your environment so far. This will be easier than that.


Jan Goldfield

#280653 11/21/06 06:33 AM
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<img src="/images/graemlins/music.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/music.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/music.gif" alt="" /> and wild raptuous applause....!!! <img src="/images/graemlins/music.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/music.gif" alt="" />

#280654 11/21/06 11:17 AM
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Way to go, Pinklulu! Hang in there - and trust the process.

Stay in touch, okay? We'd love to hear how you're doing.

#280655 11/21/06 11:37 AM
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Pink, have you spoken to your therapist today? Tell us about your treatment plan. What was the first thing s/he suggested?


Jan Goldfield

#280656 11/21/06 12:32 PM
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Hi Pinklulu
I had anorexia about 18 years ago, and no longer have it now. It CAN be cured, and you will feel better when you come out on the "other side!" Some of the advice already given above is excellent; I hope you will follow it.
I needed to deal with some issues, my biggest one being learning how to set boundaries with other people in my life. I learned how to say "NO" and mean it. In my past I had 2 bad marriages in which the men abused me and cheated on me. NO MORE! You have to decide what you will and will not accept in your life, and follow through on your decisions. YOU make your own decisions. YOU are in control!
I am now very happily married to a good Christian man, and am a nurse.
I will be supporting you through prayer.

#280657 11/21/06 07:36 PM
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All the best Pinklulu <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


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#280658 11/22/06 06:53 AM
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Thankyou all so much for your support. It really means a lot to me at this particular time.

I have had a very eventful day today full of appointments with my GP, Nutritionist, Therapist, etc. I will meet with them almost every day for at least the next 4-6 weeks and possibly more depending on my recovery and then if I improve, bi-weekly, weekly, fortnightly, monthly and so forth. We all met as a team a few days ago to discuss my recovery plan and will continue to meet weekly to discuss my progress. Boy, all these meetings - its crazy.

I met with the nutritionist today and him and I basically drew up a very simple plan which allows for for the addition of a small amount of calories daily. I will need to strictly adhere to it. He explained to me the complications of the refeeding syndrome, which can have quite devestating effects, which I can develop if I eat too much too soon. Not that I will. I'm struggling to eat what he has given me so far. He has also warned me that if I do not eat, I will not gain weight, and if I do not gain weight he will admit me to hospital. Another trip to the hospital really scares me at the moment. It was horrible enough being in there for a week and force fed through tubes. I do not want a repeat of that experience. I am currently 37 Kilos (which I think is about 81 pounds) and 160cm - 5'3. This time last week I was 35 Kilos. It really freaked me out to see the scales jump that much - but i need to focus on my primary goal which i am constantly being told. I need to be told and nagged several times because I am quite thick and stubborn.

My therapist started off with the very basics tody. We discussed the events leading up to my ed and how i can, not eliminate them from my life - but rather turn them around so that they can play a positive role in my life rather than a negative one. So learn from them, and remember them no more. We really only touched on that today. She has given me homework. I need to make a list of negative and positive things about myself and take that with me to my appointment tomorrow. She asked me what I wanted to achieve out of my sessions with her and I just told her that I wanted to feel normal once again and enjoy the things that I have always enjoyed. I quite like my therapist and am happy with her and am actually, surprise surprise, looking forward to meeting with her tomorrow. She seems to be genuinely caring, which is quite hard to find in todays world.

Overall, I think I am happy with todays progress. I am exhausted though! I now feel confident about my future. I understand I am a hard case because once I start to feel better I don't think I need treatment anymore. The hardest thing to do was to take that first step. Now I have people who know what I am going through and if I miss any appointments, they will be on the phone to me straight away to find out why and they will me make sure that I keep my appointment. This is part of the strategy that I discussed with my case manager yesterday.

Thankyou once again for your support.
Pink.

#280659 11/22/06 09:47 AM
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Wow, you have really made giant progress. I am so glad you have found a therapist you like. That really makes all the difference.
You can do it, Pink. Soldier on. You have much hard work to do, but now that you know what it is, it will be easier.


Jan Goldfield

#280660 11/22/06 01:19 PM
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woo hoo, you're doing great, Pink! Very courageous and brave, you are.

And by reaching out and sharing your journey with us on Bella, you're providing hope and courage to other women who are struggling with their own food issues.

Tyra Banks did a lovely show on body dysmorphic disorder yesterday. These women viewed themselves as "monsters" and "disgusting" - and they weren't even overweight or unattractive. One girl's mom and brother always told her she was fat, and shouldn't go out wearing particular clothes.

No matter what Tyra and the audience and even strangers on the street said about these women (positive things, like they're not fat or ugly), the women didn't believe them.

The change has to come from within.

Pinklulu, your changes are coming from the right place: from your heart, soul, and mind. Keep up the good work.

#280661 11/22/06 11:19 PM
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Quote:
We discussed the events leading up to my ed and how i can, not eliminate them from my life - but rather turn them around so that they can play a positive role in my life rather than a negative one. So learn from them, and remember them no more.


I like that - never really thought of it that way before. That philosophy can apply to so many situations and we can all use it. Thanks for sharing this with us Pinklulu. I'm so glad you have what sounds like a strong team to help you through this.


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#280662 11/23/06 01:38 AM
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I hope you don't mind me continuing to post here but hopefully it may help someone so that they do not make the same stupid mistakes that i have.

Anyway - Day Two

Today is a struggle. I woke up violently ill. My whole body just ached and I felt extremely weak and as much as I tried, I just could not eat anything. The sight of it and the smell of it just made me want to be sick.

I managed to drive myself to my gp. She took one look at me and almost admitted me to hospital. I managed to talk my way out of it. Although now I am wondering whether that was a smart move or not. Somehow I don't think so. I found out the results of my bone density test today. Apparently I have the bones of a sixty year old. However, I need to remember that it is the consequence of my actions and something that I will have to deal with.

My appointment with my therapist was one big blur. I do not feel that I achieved anything today. I could not think straight. In fact, she told me to go home early and get plenty of rest and we will start back tomorrow. I somehow do not think that I will be able to make it back tomorrow.

People, don't become anorexic! It sucks.

Until Next Time

Pink

#280663 11/23/06 08:37 AM
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Keep posting, sweetheart, keep posting... know that, distant as we are, we're all with you on this one, and encouraging you to hang in there.
And at least,by reading your posts, we know how you are....

Hang in there sweetie - I'm sure, like most women, you're a lot tougher than you think!!

#280664 11/23/06 10:36 AM
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Pink, this is the hardest work you will ever do. You will do it because you must. Please keep letting us know how you are doing. And at the same time, you are helping others with their struggles.


Jan Goldfield

#280665 11/23/06 09:48 PM
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Hi all,

Thankyou so much for your support and encouragement. I am so sure that I would not get through this without you. It seems to come right at the exact moments.

Just thought that I would let you know that I have seen my gp this morning and she told me I have to go into hospital this afteroon. She didn't let me talk her out of it this time. I do not know how long I am going to be in there.

Will update you when I can.

Thanks Pink

#280666 11/23/06 11:05 PM
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Welcome home, Pink. Hope you are doing/feeling better and stronger. I think you did the right thing when you checked into inpatient care today. Did you get to see your therapist every day? Or at least occasionally? I do hope so.
Be well.


Jan Goldfield

#280667 11/24/06 01:14 AM
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We're thinking of you Pinklulu. Get well first and then you can start to work on improving your bone density. My mother is 60 and was diagnosed with early osteoporosis a few years ago, but with plenty of walking and other moderate impact exercises she has began to improve her bone density. You've still got time to reverse some of the damage, but you have to heal first.

*Hugs*


Elle Carter Neal
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#280668 11/25/06 02:31 PM
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We're waiting for your update, Pink.... I've been praying for you -- even if you don't believe in God or prayers, it can't hurt! My thoughts and good wishes will turn into positive energy, helping and supporting and lifting you up I hope...........

Waiting to hear from you!
your friend,
Laurie

#280669 11/29/06 12:00 PM
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We haven't forgotten about you, Pinklulu! Waiting for you to return and sending love, faith, hope, courage, and perserverance your way........

#280670 12/01/06 09:23 PM
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G'day Laurie, Jan, Elle, and anyone else I have forgotten and anyone else.

Wow. I have heaps of replies. I feel so loved. Thankyou so much for the encouragement. I need it so much at the moment.

I am going to make this quick. I am on partial release from the hospital to organise things - psy my rent, bills etc. I have to be back soon before they start sending out a search party. I just thought that I would take this opportunity while I had it to pop onto the net. Who knows when I might have another.

Anyway, Things are interesting. I'm sick of the hospital. I've officially had enough and I have made that quite clear. But, they have told me that from day one (friday a week ago) I have to gain twelve kilos, which is equivalent to about thirty pounds, until they will release me. That is one heck of a lot to gain and I'm not liking it, but its the only way I am going to get out. I'm actually extremely surprised they let me out today. I have been trying to think of all the ways that I could trick the scales, but I am sure that the dr would probably get suspicious if I gained a lot of weight really quickly.

At the present moment, well yesterday, I am 38 Kilos. I have to get to 47 Kilos until they will let me free.

It is not an experience that I would recommend to anyone else. I feel like I am in a prison cell. However, I am learning quite a lot, even though I don't have much brain power at the moment. I feel like I am getting a lot stronger. The doctor has told me that I am improving slightly. My therapist, June, has visited me most days. She is a good Lady. Although, I got mad at her yesterday. She is ok though. She has made me do some interesting exercises, which I will tell you more about later on, when I have more time. The best thing she has done for me was give me a journal on the very first day I was in hospital last week. That has been my lifesaver. It is SOOOOOOOOO boring in the hospital. I have just been writing in it for hours. I love it.

Well, know that I am not dead and am alive, and I actually think I am happy.

I really better go cause I need to get back to the hospital (not that I want to, but I do not have a choice).

So that is me until next time - whenever that will be i have no idea. I'm expecting to be in hospital into the new year. Which is ok. No one knows I am in hospital anyway. That's alright, I have my Journal.

Laura.

#280671 12/01/06 10:49 PM
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Laura, how wonderful to hear from you and hear that you are doing do well. I expect you will not see this until you get back from hospital next time, so welcome back. We are glad to learn your name. And what do you mean, no one knows you are in hospital. WE DO! And although we want you to be out, not until you are ready.
Soldier on.


Jan Goldfield

#280672 12/03/06 08:29 PM
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Hang in there Laura! It may be boring and frustrating but think of it as an opportunity to relax and recover your body, mind, and spirit. I think it's wonderful that you're journalling and that you're enjoying that process at least. I think you will learn a lot about yourself that will stand you in good stead in the coming months and years.

How about grabbing some books to read to keep yourself occupied? Some hospitals have a set up with a local library. This could be a good time to try reading something you wouldn't usually read, as part of learning new things about yourself. Like Biographies if you usually read fiction, or Fantasy if you normally go for realistic reading.


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#280673 12/06/06 10:34 PM
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Laura --

It's been 5 days since we've heard from you. We're thinking about you, and sending good karma your way.....hang in there!

Best wishes,
Laurie

#280674 12/07/06 09:27 AM
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Hello Laura,

Wow! You have gone through quite a bit in the last few weeks. It sounds like you have had a number of ups and downs. That's ok. I'm sure you may not particularly think that is is ok in your down times. Just remember that it is all part of the process.

Recovery will prove to be a wonderful time for you, even if you may not believe so right now. The most important thing that you can do is to keep on going, as the others have told you - Soldier on.

It is so important that you do not lose sight of your goals. As Laurie has said, Hang in there.

We care for you and your health. Inside you're weary body is a beautiful spirit. Please, know that you are loved. When you feel down in the dumps, come and share your worries with us. I know from personal experience that we need someone to share things with. It makes living life a much easier and worthwhile experience.

I think that it is wonderful that you have come on here and shared your journey thus far. I am sure that it will serve as a help, now and in the future, to many many woman who are struggling with similar issues.

Congratulations on reaching this far. You really are an inspiration.

Know that you have a great team, both in the hospital and here on bellaonline. I can see that all these people here have been touched by your experience and feel a great love towards you. I am sure that this will be the start of a number of great and wonderful lasting friendships.

Wishing you all the best in everything you do. Please remember that you deserve the best.

Sandy

#280675 12/09/06 01:57 AM
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Hi everyone,

Thankyou for your support. It is great.

I am currently on day release (boy that makes me feel like a prisoner) except i have to go back for lunch because they do not trust me to eat it on my own yet. From now on they are going to let me out on Tuesdays and Saturdays which I am over the moon about. It will mean that I will start to have some normalcy in my life. I have had the best day today doing what I want to do. I had an absolute ball.

This week was definitely much better than last week. Now that I have a bit more strength and health back they are starting to allow me to get into a few more programs which I am enjoying. My therapist has been giving me a lot of different books to read, really uplifting cheery books and that has really helped me get through this week.

Well, I have to be quick because I need to be back at the hospital in about half an hour. So I will probably write a lot more on tuesday if you are still interested in how things are going. I dont want to bore you of course.

Laura

#280676 12/10/06 11:59 AM
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Laura,

You've been given a whole new perspective on life! That's cool, because you won't take the everyday things for granted, like going to the store when you want or renting a DVD of your choice. Freedom definitely tastes sweeter to those who've been detained.

Trust the hospital staff to let you go when you're ready, and help you eat until you're healthy. Trust your heart, share your thoughts and feelings -- no matter how silly you feel. My prayer and wish for you is that you tackle the reasons behind the anorexia. How healthy and strong you'll be afterwards.

And....your updates are not boring! I log on everyday, hoping to read a post from you. I'm thrilled to see your progress, and interested in hearing from you regularly, when you're sprung for good :-)

Hoping to hear from you Tuesday,
Be well, take care,
Laurie

#280677 12/11/06 07:58 PM
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Hello Everyone,

I have wanted to write more of my background for some time now and have decided to do it to give you all a bit better understanding on everything as it has happened. This is going to be quite long. Sorry.

Basically, what I want to say is: thankyou everyone for your support. Without it I would be dead. I must admit that it has been a really rough journey and not one that I do want a repeat of, but I am finally starting to see the bigger picture.

The thing that I had really struggled with was the fact that I had deliberately taken 8 weeks off of work in the quiet season so that I could go on an eight week fast to lose more weight. It worked and I was really, really happy about it, but I got to week seven and everything just went crazy. I started to be really sick. I couldn�t stand up without almost fainting. I pushed myself to exercise several hours a day and after my exercise I felt like I was going to die because I had pushed myself beyond my limits.

But then I went into hospital and I started to gain all the weight that I had worked so very hard to take off. I cried and cried for hours over this. I felt that I no longer belonged to me, but that so many people owned a part of me and I was living their expectations. It sucked. It really did. I had just felt that everything that I had worked so hard to do was all coming to a crashing end. It was extremely painful for me. I really did not like it at all. I wanted to maintain the control that I have had over my life. As soon as I got released, I had decided that I did not want to go back into hospital because it was a pretty traumatic experience and I did not want to recover because recovery to me meant that I had no control in my life.

I have had to learn that I was not in control originally. This was a really hard thing to learn and I am still struggling with this. So much has happened in the last few years. I don�t want to write about them specifically because I have to learn to forget about them because otherwise all the memories will come back and that could possibly set me back a lot� and right at this moment, I honestly and earnestly do not want that. I cannot afford a setback. The main events being: living with a controlling and abusing partner, ruined relationships with my family as a result of being with this fellow, and friendships that were no longer, also as a result of this.

It was so hard for me when all of these relationships broke down and it all happened in such a short period of time. The only way I could cope was to numb these horrible feelings. Starving myself became a major distraction for me. By controlling what I didn�t eat, I had to focus on this so that I could do it effectively and in so doing I thought more about food and my eating disorder than I did my broken relationships. This became a major victory for me and so I continued down this path. This turned into an obsession and the further that the scales had gone, the happier I felt. However, it was never enough and I always thought that I could do better.

I would most often leave the car at home and would ride my bike the five kilometres to work and five kilometres home again and I worked six days a week. I would go for a walk before work and I went for a walk after I got home. It did not matter about the time because when I came home I did not have to prepare dinner because I refused to eat after 4.00 in the afternoon. What I would eat during the day was generally limited to about one slice of tomato about three times a day. I would make sure that I drank no more than half of a litre of water a day. I pushed myself, because if I did not feel tired and exhausted, I felt that I was not doing as much as I could and would not achieve any results.

But I felt there was more that I could do and so I decided that I would go on a longer fast. I had fasted before but I had been working and it was really getting hard for me to cover this up so that my workmates would not get suspicious. So I organised to have eight weeks off of work. This was quite easy to organise because the business that I was in is very seasonal and they are extremely busy for several months and extremely quiet in other times. So I picked the quiet season and was able to have time off within only two weeks of asking which I was so thrilled about. And so I stayed at home and would not eat anything. That was my rule. I was not working, so I honestly believed that I could handle not eating a thing. I would drink about two glasses of water a day and I was still keeping up my regular daily exercise.

I had often gone to pro-ana websites to keep myself going so that I would not give up. It worked. They also had great tips for fasting. It was my number one resource and I valued these sites very highly.

I was in the process of searching for further pro-ana sites when I stumbled across Bella Online. This, I must say, had to have been my turning point in my life. At this stage I think that I was in about week five into my fast. I did not really like the threads that I read because they were mainly about recovery, but there was one thread which was something about people being too skinny. I certainly did not believe so. I wanted to lose weight and continue to lose weight. I was scared that if I did not continue to lose weight that I would only gain weight. So a low weight was not scary for me at all. So I joined up and went in there and told them that I did not think that it could be so, that a person could be too skinny. Being so used to the forums in pro-ana sites, I was not prepared for the response that came.

Jan wrote a thread telling me that the one thing that I thought I was controlling was actually out of control and I needed to receive help fast.

As soon as I read this I just felt this really horrible weird feeling and it nagged and nagged at me and drove me nuts for days. But I started to feel comfortable in these forums and so I continued to post in different areas. Then one day, about week seven into my fast, I found that I really did struggle with my exercise that afternoon and came home and collapsed on the lounge. I felt so weak and so tired and I felt like that night was going to be my last day on earth.

So, after a few hours of trying to work out what I could do, but with no brain power to think through it, I decided that I could not decide on my own and so for the first time in years I asked for help. I began this post. I had no energy to sit up, so I grabbed my laptop and lay down on the lounge and managed to scrawl a few words stating that I did not know what I was doing and I wasn�t too sure that I was in control and I needed some advice. At that point I passed out from absolute exhaustion and woke up about an hour and a half later, to find one post Laurie. She told me how proud she was of me for asking for help. I was thinking � I�m not proud of me asking for help. This could mean weight gain and fat. Then she gave me some numbers of eating disorder clinics � one was a Perth number and the other was a Brisbane number. I tried the Brisbane number, but for some reason it was no longer connected. I reread the post � she told me to go to the hospital if I needed to because I was probably dehydrated. So I rang the ambulance � they came pretty quickly. They are only stationed about 1km away from my home, so they came really quick, in about three minutes, and put me on some sort of drip straight away. They were asking me so many questions and my head was spinning and I couldn�t think through it all. I passed out in the ambulance. Then I was wheeled into the emergency room and shoved in one corner while they worked out what they were going to do with me. I was not quite with it but I am pretty sure that I heard someone say �She doesn�t look like she will live, I don�t like her chances�. Then they tried to give me something to eat. There was no way I could eat. I felt so violently ill. Then, next thing, they are shoving tubes into me and force feeding me. It was absolutely horrible � it really was a nightmare. I felt so out of control and right then and there, I really wanted to die. I would have been quite happy to. I was really, really mad at myself at that point for ringing the ambulance. I wanted to pull the tubes out and run out of the hospital but I had absolutely no strength in me. So I just lay there while they wheeled me into the critical care unit and hook me up to all the other machines, heart monitor, etc. The whole time I was completely out of it and delusional. I could not speak or say anything. I was told later on that my speech was so slurred. I was also told that my heart had shrunk dramatically and I was at risk of heart failure. I stayed about three days in the ccu, the whole time with these horrible tubes down my nose � then I was transferred to the mental health ward where everything just happened way too quickly. So many meetings were scheduled with so many people and I just did not have time to think through it all. I was just pushed from one area to another. I really did not have a say in any of it at all. It was at that point that I decided that I was going to try and do everything that I could to get out of the hospital and I was not going to come back. My GP was called in, a nutritionist, a therapist, and my case manager (who sat with me for about 3 hours and compiled my life history of basically everything that happened in my life). Then we all sat in a meeting for over an hour and discussed what my treatment plan was going to be. At that point they decided to keep me in hospital until I built up a reasonable amount of strength. From the way they were talking, they did not believe that I would be able to deal with recovery until I was adequately nourished. I was thinking the while time, this is horrible, I want to get out of here. How can I convince them to release me from this hell? I spoke up and said. �I have a job to get back to. Is there any way that I can do this as an outpatient?� I was trying to appear strong. They discussed it and came up with a plan where I had to see each of them almost every day for about four weeks. They said can you commit to that? I said yes. They asked me, are you willing to get better? I again told them that I would do all that it took. They said that they would look at my case more and get back to me, if they would allow me to be released.

I went from that meeting, unsure as to whether they would allow me to go home or not. Then when the Dr on duty came around, I talked to him and explained my situation. I lied and said I felt heaps better and explained that we had come up with a recovery plan and could I be released. He looked at some forms, signed them, and next thing I know I was out of there. I have since heard that this doctor is under review for releasing me so early.

My case manager, rang me up that afternoon absolutely amazed and shocked that I was released so early and asked if I would come back for inpatient treatment. I said that I would not, but that I would go in for outpatient treatment. She then said that she had a meeting with my team to discuss things. She got back to me later that afternoon with a plan. I was just thinking the whole time � there is absolutely no way I am going back to that prison cell.

Then I went onto the forum to let Laurie know that I was alive, but told her that I wasn�t planning on going back to treatment. Then I got a heap of responses from a number of different people. It amazed that someone cared � after receiving a total of no missed calls and no messages left on my phone � so I cried and cried and cried and went to work and resigned. Then went back to the hospital to discuss with them my thoughts and feelings. It was so weird. I felt like I wasn�t doing it on my own, but there was someone there with me, pushing me and putting the words into my mouth. When I got home, I was completely shocked that I had just resigned from work. I was in a really bizarre state.

And now everything else has happened that you have read in the forum.

It has been very challenging and hard. June, my therapist, told me that I needed to be honest with myself and others. This was so hard to hear and I got mad at her, I later apologised. She told me that if I wanted to recover, I needed to be honest and stop using the same cover ups that I have been using for the last couple of years. We have been trying to work out what those cover ups are and trying to eliminate them from my way of thinking and surviving. These sessions have been extremely painful. I really don�t understand how I manage to survive through them. But I am happy with the results. I have a very long way to go, but I have all of a sudden decided that I am better off in hospital than at home. I don�t have the strength to get through it on my own. I need all the support that I can get. I am actually looking forward to enjoying my life as it used to be.

I was given some quiet time a few days ago and had to write down what the eating disorder had given me and what the eating disorder had taken away from me. I learned so much from this exercise.

Anyway, this post is very long. Know that I am happy, finally, with where I am and am looking forward to being able to live my life to the full again. Thankyou All � I am so grateful for all of you and I consider you all my friends.

Laura

#280678 12/11/06 09:56 PM
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Laura, your post is the finest literature I have read in years. I know it makes all of us here at Bella feel as if we have really made a tiny difference in someone's life. But, you, dear are the one who did the work and must continue doing the work. All we did is kick you in the a$$.
Congratulations to you for all you have done. You have indeed started getting real control of your problems and yourself. Do the work, get healthier and healthier.
Be well, my friend. And keep writing.


Jan Goldfield

#280679 12/12/06 09:24 AM
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Yep. What she said. <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

#280680 12/13/06 11:57 AM
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Laura,

Thank you for writing about your experience! How scary - I had tears in my eyes as I read it. I'm so glad you got help when you did, before it was too late.

I know exactly what you mean about the therapy sessions being painful -- I've been there. I resented my counselor and wanted to quit. It helped to write how I felt about her, and why she was such a pain in the [censored]. It especially helped to tell her what I thought of her! She was great - I think they know not to take things personally. You're dealing with alot of stuff, and of course you'll get emotional about it. It's natural and understandable.

It was so weird that you wrote that day, because that was the second time in 15 minutes that I heard of pro-anorexia sites! I hadn't heard of them before, and right before I read your post, I read a Newsweek article about those sites.

I'm thinking of writing about the pro-anorexia sites, but don't to give them more publicity. What do you think? Would it be harmful or helpful to write about them?

Keep writing, Laura. You're a brave, strong, and courageous princess warrior!

Laurie

#280681 12/14/06 02:22 AM
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WOW! You go girl! You are amazing!

#280682 12/15/06 07:51 PM
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Hi all

I�m getting there. YEA!!! I�m expected to stay in hospital for another 6-8 weeks. I am not worried about this though. I originally wanted to get out as quickly as possible, but I am now starting to really enjoy the experience and the length of time in hospital is not so much of an issue anymore. I am meeting a lot of people with a number of different challenges and I am really enjoying learning about them and their experiences. It really helps to hear others experiences. It is so nice to forget about yourself for a moment and listen to someone else and try and be a support link for them.

My therapist tells me that I have made wonderful progress and is very proud of me for how far I have come. The doctor tells me that I am gaining a lot more strength and health everyday.

June pointed out to me that as soon as I decided that I wanted to recover � about one week ago � things have changed dramatically and I am making remarkable progress.

Don�t get me wrong, I still struggle with this everyday � I have just simply made a positive decision that I do want to live a full and happy life and that just seems to make all the difference. It also has a lot to do with the fact that I finally have some time where I can go out of the hospital and spend some time alone by myself doing the things that I enjoy doing.

Nurses and doctors have also been giving me a lot more freedom even though I am still waiting for the day when I can eat a meal with no one watching me. I supposed they had to be quite forceful because I was in an extremely fragile state.

As for the pro-ana sites:

I think that it would be good to write about these sites. But, on saying this, it is an area where you will need to tread very, very carefully. If you could take a completely different approach to the news articles it may be a lot more beneficial. I am just trying to think of an appropriate way to do this. If someone has an eating disorder and they don�t want to recover, it is not going to make any difference what you write. They may believe you, but their eating disorder is a lot more important to them and they are willing to risk their life to keep it. I know � I have been there, done that. My concern though is that they may cling to these sites and find it even harder to find the strength to let go and ask for help (as did I).

I never believed that pro-ana sites were a particularly bad thing. It was often talked about as a lifestyle choice to be anorexic or bulimic. Some of them offered advice on how to stay as healthy as possible despite the fact that you were starving yourself. (even though I now realise that it is not possible) Others were just downright horrible. They tell you that you are fat and you are not allowed to go near that food and you are a stupid *&%# for even thinking about food.

But since being in hospital, I have gained a lot of knowledge on how to treat my body correctly (I go to nutrition classes almost every day).

What these sites do is make you believe that your eating disorder is a lifestyle choice and they offer �supportive� places to go and talk to people with the same issues. They make you believe that there is a healthy way to starve yourself. They offer tips for hiding your eating disorder, they offer extremely low calorie or negative calorie recipes, tips for exercising longer, excuses for getting out of eating with others. The list goes on and on. I used to love these sites. It came up in a session with June one day and she told me that when I went home next I had to delete all of them from my computer. I didn�t do this at my first opportunity as I was quite scared to give it up. But last Tuesday, I managed to do it and so I deleted about 30 of them from my favourites. That was a really hard thing to do. They were my major source of inspiration and encouragement for so long. I felt like I was giving up my very best friend.

But, it is now part of my history, and not my present or my future. I need to look forward and realise that if I were to continue to go to these sites, my progress would be hindered and I would most likely relapse. I have decided that I have worked too hard to relapse. I am in this for the long haul. It is so amazing to me how my perspective has completely changed from just a few weeks ago. I suppose you could say that I am finally starting to see that light at the end of the tunnel. I have a new outlook on life. I am starting to feel that happiness that comes from living a life free of addiction. I am learning that an eating disorder is the same as an addiction and just as deadly.

Pro-ana sites are also addictive. I am so used to them, that they have become such a part of my life, that I really need to work hard to ensure that I never visit these sites again.

Anyway, I have rambled on a bit.

Be careful when writing about these sites. Imagine that someone is using these sites. How would you educate them about a happier lifestyle? It is really hard for me to think of an appropriate way to write about them because once someone is in the thick of an eating disorder, if they learn about a site that will help them to continue and one that tells them that they do not have to recover, then they will have selective hearing. They will not hear the part about how damaging they can be � or even if they do, by now they have learnt to ignore it. They will only hear that there is a site out there that tells them that they can continue doing what they are doing, that they do not have to recover, and that there are others who have eating disorders who will share tips and encourage you to hold strong to your eating disorder.

I think that maybe if you wrote about them as if you were talking one on one with a sufferer, than it may be a lot more effective. That there is a happier way to live, that life can be improved. It is so hard because there are so many underlying issues with these disorders and everyone responds to different things.

Well, I am going to stop now because I am repeating myself.

Laurie. I really do hope this helps. Go with your gut feeling. Do what you think is right and I am sure that it will be wonderful.

Thankyou for your encouragement and your wonderful responses. They have really made my day. Thankyou Jan for your compliment, although I do not know that my post is the finest literature, it is just simply my thoughts at this time. And thankyou for the kick in the A$$. I suppose I needed it. Thankyou Alexandra for your ditto as well. I appreciate it. Thankyou Laurie for your wonderful support and words - I really do not know where I would be now without it at this moment. Thankyou Anamaree for your words also. I do not know that I am wonderful, I am simply doing what I need to be doing.

If there is one thing that I would love to say to sufferers, there is hope. You may feel like you have gotten down to deep, but there is a way out. I can�t particularly talk because I have still got a long, long way to go. But I have started and I can see the differences already. I am looking forward to living a fulfilling, rewarding, happy life that was not possible a few weeks ago when I was literally on deaths door.

Regardless of what has happened in your past, there is hope for the future. Hold strong and look forward, never looking back. We can change. We can be happy, and continue to stay happy.

Laura

#280683 12/15/06 09:29 PM
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Hi Pink. Great to see you! Glad you are feeling better about yourself and your world. You may not think you are wonderful, but think of things like this: Thousands of women read these words every day. I wonder how many of them are starting their own path to recovery just because you have. Wow, that's power!
Soldier on, Pink and be sure to keep in touch.


Jan Goldfield

#280684 12/18/06 11:00 PM
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Ok. I need to be really honest right now. I am really struggling. At times I feel like I am on top of the world and I feel so happy about recovery. I feel like I can take on the world. It does not seem like that lasts too long until that all comes crashing down and I feel like I did on sunday, like it is all too much and I do not understand why or how I got myself in this mess to begin with. I got so mad Sunday morning. I just felt like I could not take it any more. I just wanted to run out of the hospital screaming.

So they bring in my breakfast and as usual I get a visitor to watch me, which I am so sick of. All the time I am thinking, this is so stupid, why can�t they let me eat on my own now. I have been here for a total of one month and feel like it is about time that they give me the freedom to eat in peace. For some weird reason, I just went absolutely psycho. I completely spun out and I lost it. I just said to them, �I�m not eating it, I don�t care what you do, I�m not eating it. I want to get out of this hell hole and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop me�. I had no idea why I was going on like this. It really was not in my nature to act like this. I was really out of control. They called in other staff. There were three people trying to calm me down, but I just wouldn�t calm down. I really truly and honestly just wanted to be out of there. They started to threaten me saying that if I wasn�t careful and not willing to co-operate, than they would not allow me to leave my room and go wandering around the hospital, I would not be let out on day release, they would feed me through tubes. I just did not understand it. Just the day before, I was feeling so good about myself. I suppose reality had hit and I realised that I did not have it in me to continue. It truly and honestly is a lot of hard work hard work. I did not think that I could do it. I am 40 kilos! Is that not enough? I have gained a massive five kilograms in a month. Is that not enough to satisfy them? Obviously not! I came in here willingly, why can�t I leave willingly, when I want to? Oh, because �we care about you Laura, there is too much at risk�. I was thinking, If you care about me, you�d let me go home.

Why can�t I just have a magic wand and magically disappear. That sounds like the ideal situation.

After really scaring me with the thought of tube feeding and not letting me go home, I slowly ate my breakfast. I showed my displeasure about it all though. Why does nothing I say make any difference? It did not matter what I said, they would not budge.

I did not look forward to my meeting with June yesterday (Monday). Word gets around very quickly in this hospital about every little thing that happens, and no doubt, she heard about my little episode on Sunday.

I woke up a little bit happier on monday. I really do not understand what had happened. I apologised for the way I acted. I just found it really hard and I exploded. I just wanted to feel in control again. At the moment I feel like I am not living my life as I would like to.

I broke down in my session with June. We tried to explore why things happened on Sunday as they did. I said to her that I had just felt overwhelmed with everything. I didn�t want to deal with my issues anymore because it was just way too painful. I was frustrated that I had quite a large family and had not had one visitor in the whole month that I was in hospital. Well, they do not know that I am in hospital anyway � that is my fault. It is just so hard to see stacks of people coming to visit everyday, and not one of them comes to see me. I just felt lonely. I thought that I could handle it. But I can�t. I told June that I can�t do it on my own like I thought I could. She told me that I did not have to do it on my own. She said that she would be here for me as long as it took. I asked how long that would be. She just told me that it was dependant on me. I said I don�t want it to be dependant on me. I cannot handle it on my own. She then told me that she would rephrase and said �It will depend on the extent to which you are willing to accept the help and assistance from myself and the other staff here. It will be a lot easier to get through this if you can accept our help�.

She told me that it is perfectly normal for people in my situation to react as I had. Apparently, it is a normal part of the recovery process and when it happens, we just begin where we left off. We will often have setbacks in our life. It is how we react to these setbacks that really matter. She told me that I need to learn that it will be a lot easier to accept it and pick up and move on with things, as if it had never happened.

I am feeling a little calmer now. I am so grateful that I have June to help me get through this. She just has a wonderful awesome way of dealing with things. I asked her if my outburst would mean that a lot of my freedom would be taken away, and given my old restrictions. She told me that she would make sure it didn�t (Yeah! Thumbs up for June).

Thankyou all for your support and your encouragement. I am so grateful that I have this forum to share my thoughts and feelings. It is good therapy, writing. It helps to sort things out.

Until Next Time

Laura

#280685 12/19/06 09:20 AM
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Quote:
Why does nothing I say make any difference? It did not matter what I said, they would not budge.


I expect that with the wealth of experience they have had, with others such as yourself, they know the pitfalls and dfficulties before you do...which is precisely why their care entails such intense supervision... It's probable that if they complied with everyones' wishes immediately, their success rate would plummet....

Quote:
I did not look forward to my meeting with June yesterday (Monday). Word gets around very quickly in this hospital about every little thing that happens, and no doubt, she heard about my little episode on Sunday.

Laura


It's not that 'word gets around'....I would suspect that through monitoring, they are medically obliged to report incidents such as this one. They wouldn't be looking after your best interests if they didn't.
If she HADN'T known about it, would you have told her? If not, that would have left a terrible burden on your shoulders,of having to be honest, even though it would hurt you to not be...
And can you imagine her not having been told? Think how angry she would have been with the staff concerned!

Look at it this way - Life is like a Heart Monitor...it's a constant beat, sometimes up sometimes down. But for every 'down' there is an 'up'. It's when it 'flatlines' that you have a problem. Tackle all the downs, knowing that for every one, there's a great 'up' coming!!

Hang in there!

#280686 12/19/06 10:36 AM
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Hi Laura, here I am again, your New Orleans buddy. Gotta tell you this: your 'episode' is so very normal in the course of your recovery. It is expected for everyone going through what you are.
It is wonderful that you are wishing for company, getting ready to rejoin the world, if you will. Would members of your family visit if they knew you were in hospital? Could you make yourself ask? Tough thing to do, I know. Better to think they would not care, than expose yourself, inform them of your circumstances and take a chance they would turn their backs. That would be a big hurt to deal with. Maybe this is the time to try?


Jan Goldfield

#280687 12/19/06 11:39 AM
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Laura,

Wow, that's huge -- thank you for sharing your experiences with us!

I'd hate to have someone watch me eat every meal, I'd feel like a child. Out of control. I'd probably have a meltdown, too -- I bet most people would. June and the other staff seem to be used to it; it is a normal part of recovery. You're battling your own self ("we have met the enemy, and he is us"); that's the toughest battle of all. You're changing the way you think, the way you eat, and the way you relate to the world. Those are huge steps. Massive!

Luckily, you're not fighting the battle alone. You have June and the other staff, and us on the forum, and whoever else you invite to share your struggles. I'm honored to stand alongside you as you fight this battle, Laura.

And I'm proud of you for showing your feelings, both here and in the hospital. You're being real, and that makes people connect to you and feel warmly towards you.

"Soar, eat ether, see what has never
been seen; depart, be lost,
But climb." - Edna St Vincent Millay

You may feel lost, and you're seeing valleys that many of us don't see -- but you're climbing!

And we're climbing beside you.

Until next time,
Laurie

#280688 12/19/06 05:08 PM
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I only posted here right in the beginning of this thread, but I have been reading all the posts whenever I come across it. I can't believe all the progress you've made. It's unbelievable. Everyone here has given you so much encouragement and support that I don't know what else to say. They've all worded everything so perfectly. And I am glad that you found the strength to help yourself. I'm sure at times you felt as though you did not have the strength, but the fact that you posted here for help, you called the ambulance, you went back for help just proves how strong you really are! Good for you. Really, I hope, wish and pray all the best for your future!

Laura (#2) lol

#280689 12/20/06 03:23 AM
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Just catching up on what I missed - we moved and had only limited Internet for a while.

Laura, I'm so proud of you for everything you have achieved in such a short time. You go girl!

Don't worry about the setbacks. They only take you a tiny way back, by the next day you will have regained that ground and more.

June sounds really wise and lovely. You're lucky to have her on your side.

And think of the staff who sit with you while you eat as your "visitors". Lots of family members arrive at dinner time and sit with their loved ones while they eat. I've done it a number of times when my hubby's been in for something.

I have to go. *hugs*


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Good morning, Laura. I hope your day goes just as you wish it to. Every day you are gaining strength and getting better.....and back in control of your life. You will love yourself when this hospital stuff is over.


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Praying for your fast recovery.

Wish you all the best.

Good luck and Happy Holidays as well.


Having a hard time losing that stubborn fats? Check out this site
weightpro for info, tips and reviews on different weight loss programs available.

Also try these sites for info on different softwares and online marketing tips---
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#280692 12/22/06 09:56 PM
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Wow! Look at all of these responses. I'm in shock. It's good though.

Thankyou All. I'd love to respond personally to each of you but I just dont have the time today.

I actually called my mother this morning after reading your post, Jan. She was in shock that I had called but I had a good chat to her. I didn't tell her that I was in hospital but it broke the ice, which is MASSIVE.

I'm plodding along slowly at the hospital. Weight is increasing and I actually look forward to the day when I reach 47 KG's. I'm dreading it as well, but at least I will be able to go home and start looking for a job. I miss my job at the moment (and the extra pay). Being on sickness benefits isn't the nicest, but at least it gets me through.

Alexandra, thanks for the heart monitor analogy. I need to remember it.

Well, thats my life for the moment. Nothing exciting has happened, apart from talking to my mother. But at least things are getting better, slowly but its happening.

Merry Christmas Everyone

Laura

#280693 12/22/06 10:13 PM
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Laura, calling your mother is the best news yet since you decided to get treatment. I suspect she was not only surprised, but thrilled to hear from you. Mothers are like that, especially at Christmas.
What huge strides you are making. Be proud of yourself. Really. And thanks for keeping us posted.

hugs from here,
Jan


Jan Goldfield

#280694 12/23/06 02:17 PM
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What Jan said! I can't add a thing, even though I wish I could.

Laura, you're doing great. Keep us posted - even if there's nothing exciting happening! No news can be good news :-)

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I'm so glad you called your Mum, as it really sounds like your falling out with your family was not due to problems between you and them, but because of a third party. It's a good time to start over fresh and new. All the best <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


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Hello All,

Yes, it was good to talk to my mum. I actually found a chrissy present from her sitting on my front doorstep when I got home today. I do not know how long it has been there for, but it was a nice surprise.

I am sorry that I did not get to reply on tuesday, but someone from the hospital, a nurse who works in the ward that I am in, completely unknown to me - goes to the same gym that I do. She spotted me working flat out and dobbed me in. Well, I am guessing it was her. I spotted her at the gym. Someone else also spotted me running around the hospital grounds and apparently, I was pacing up and down the halls - that was their words.

The only exercise that I am allowed to do is supervised and moderated.

I do not understand what the problem is though. I continue to gain weight so it should not be too much of an issue.

So now they do not trust me anymore and they have taken a lot of my priviliges away. I am only allowed out of my room supervised and I am only allowed one day during the week to go out instead of two.

So I think that it is now time for me to start to trick the scales to get me out of there a lot faster. I have thought of several ways to do this. I put off doing it because I thought they might get suspicious and take away a lot of my priviliges but now I have nothing to lose, so it does not matter anyway. It seemed to work. Yesterday when I was weighed, I was 43 Kilos. If I can keep this up, I'm guessing that I will be out of there in two weeks. I can't wait.

Well, that is me for the moment. Seeing that I am hoping to be out of hospital in two weeks, I am going to go job hunting today. I have just spent this morning typing up my resume. I am so looking forward to going back to a normal lifestyle.

Now, don't worry. I'm not returning back to my old lifestyle. I am still eating. I am learning a lot. I just felt like a workout. That is all. It is hard when you are stuck in a room for most of the day and hardly get out.

Well, that's my life for now.

You won't hear from me for a whole week now.

Thanks for your support. You people are great.

Laura

#280697 12/30/06 12:06 AM
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Glad to see you on a day pass, Laura. Don't be using all those brains to out maneuver those poor folks at the hospital. Maybe doing some yoga or that sort of outside play would keep them happy and earn you your privileges back? Play by their rules and you will get out healthy, happy and with a new way to live your life.
How nice to see a gift from your mother. Musta felt pretty good, yes?
Glad you stopped by for a quick hello. Take good care until next time.


Jan Goldfield

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I stumbled on this thread by 'accident'. And I learn so much just by reading all the posts.

It must be a extremely tough journey (though it's only 1.5 mths) for a young lady to take.
I really salute you for all that you have gone through.

It a wonderful gift (this thread) for me, as it makes me reflect on my life, as the year is coming to an end too.

Looking forward to your updates in 2007.
May you have a fantastic 2007 <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

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Quote:
�It will depend on the extent to which you are willing to accept the help and assistance from myself and the other staff here. It will be a lot easier to get through this if you can accept our help�.


I guess help is available everywhere.
The toughest challenge is really to ask for help and be willing to accept the help that is given to us.

Laura, I'm glad you did and also given me a chance to learn so much. You are a brave soldier.

#280700 12/30/06 08:49 PM
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Oh that's sweet - I'm sure your mum's present lifted your spirits. You are a few steps closer to bridging that gap in your family. You're doing so well.

I agree with Jan - try not to take it personally that the hospital don't allow you to do the things you find you want to do. They have their reasons - it may be that they believe your body is not strong enough yet to handle heavy, unsupervised exercise. You did say your bone density was similar to that of a 60-year-old: you have to start slowly with reintroducing exercise, otherwise you could hurt yourself. Believe it or not, they're not doing this to punish you or make you feel worse. Talk to them about it and find out what kind of exercise they recommend you start with. Tell them that you now have this extra energy and want to move around, that it's not because you're trying to shift your weight. Feeling energetic is a good thing, it means your body is getting the nutrients it needs. But remember, you need those nutrients and that energy to heal the damage you've done first.

Happy New Year, and happy new you, Laura! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


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What a great time to be starting a new life! A new year, new job, and new way of looking at your self and life.

I hope you get released from the hospital soon, and find a job you love. Listen to the staff, though - they may be a little more objective right now, and do have your best interests at heart.

How did this past week go?

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Good Morning All

This last week was interesting. I seem to be getting closer and closer to going home. When I was weighed this week I was 36 kilos. The doctor took one look at me and raised his eyebrows and said that is a lot of weight to gain in just one week. I just shrugged my shoulders and said I don�t know why I have gained that much. He did say however, that I have made excellent progress and am recovering well.

I sort of felt a bit funny afterwards because I sort of did trick the scales. It is so weird. At one moment I want to get out of the hospital as fast as I can. Now, I am kinda scared to leave. I am just not sure that I can handle it without the constant care and protection from the hospital staff. I am terrified that as soon as I get home that I will revert back to my old ways. I will see everything at home as it always was and that will trigger me off. June has been trying to prepare me for leaving the hospital but I really don�t know that I am ready. She has given me a lot to think about and do. I have also been learning new coping strategies.

We have come up with an idea that hopefully will work. I am going to re-decorate my flat. I have started a new life and I do not want anything from my old life to trigger me. So today I am cleaning out my flat of all the things in my past that I do not want to take with me in my new life, so that when I do come back permanently I do not have them here. A completely new look is going to help as well.

I have just bought a sewing machine and am planning, when I get out of hospital, to sew new placemats, cushion covers, lounge covers and curtains to begin with.

I am going to make myself a �recovery quilt� � this will be bright and cheery and happy � I have just spent this morning picking out a whole heap of different materials so I can start it now while I am in hospital.

I have taken down all the pictures that I have had and am replacing them. I am buying a new dinner set and new cookware. This is to help me to learn to enjoy food. I have a small vegetable garden in styrofoam boxes that I am going to expand and add a lot of different vegetables that I would not have eaten before. I want to also add a little water feature inside. That would just be nice I think.

I am really looking forward to getting into it all. I have been told that I really should not go back to work too soon. I really wanted to go back to work and last week I spent some time trying to find work. But, I have been warned that if I rush into things too quickly my body probably would not be able to handle it. I need to have time to adjust to my new lifestyle. As much as I don�t like this I have to do it if I want to return to good health. It�s ok. My once healthy savings account will continue to dwindle down, especially now that I am redecorating. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So, as you can see, I am going to be so busy that I won�t have time to get into mischief or back into my old way of thinking. That is the idea anyway. I�m still somewhat scared that I will return. I have been told that most people relapse. I need to do all I can to ensure that this doesn�t happen.

Well I hope I haven�t bored you with all my projects. I may be out next week. The doctor was not sure whether he wanted to keep me in for an extra week or so just to check that I would maintain the weight. Time will tell.

It is good to talk to you. I do enjoy coming on here.

Jan, it felt fantastic to receive a present from my mother. And thankyou for your thoughtfulness and wonderful replies.

Miracle, thankyou for your sweet reply. I am glad that through my experience you are learning something. It makes me feel like all my efforts aren't in vain.

Elle, you are just wonderful. I love hearing from you. Thanks for your support.

Laurie, i'm getting there. Thankyou for being an anchor. I look back on what I have written and I can't believe how far I have come. I have learnt a lot by reading back at what everyone and myself has written. I know that I CAN do this. I CAN get through this. Life CAN be happy and cheerful and good.

Everyone else - thanks a million

Well that's me for this week.

Until Next Time

Laura

#280703 01/06/07 10:55 AM
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Hi Laura, it's good to hear from you again.

Looks like you are all set for a brand new life. Hurray!

If I remember correctly, you don't have a avatar previously, now you have one too. Very beautiful flowers. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

#280704 01/07/07 07:37 PM
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Re-decorating is an excellent idea! I'm sure you'll have such fun doing it, and it will keep you positive about your new self. You deserve to be healthy and happy - keep that thought in your mind. When you feel down and are at risk of reverting, you'll be able to look around at what you've done for yourself in your flat, and the lovely veges you've planted for yourself, and you'll be reminded that you're a new person, you're learning to like and love yourself again, and no matter how bad you feel you have a right to nourish yourself, from your stomach to your soul. <img src="/images/graemlins/kiss.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad you're feeling nervous about leaving the hospital - it's a good sign because it means you care about what you do afterwards. It's also a sign that you're starting to understand that the staff have been helping you over these past weeks, and that you're letting go of the "you versus them" issue. But there must come a time that you do leave and start your life properly. I wish you strength - make sure you keep us posted on your progress!

And you're welcome <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


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Your new projects sound fabulous! I especially love the recovery quilt idea, and using new kitchen stuff - and the vegetable garden sounds great.

Are you out for good now? A bit of fear and trepidation is normal and even healthy -- you've been through a major life change, and you can't just go back to the way you were!

Don't forget that there's no "there", so don't push yourself to get there. I don't think any of us are exactly where - or who - we want to be. We're always striving to be better, more whole, more fulfilled, healthier.....

Looking forward to hearing about your projects, or anything else you want to share -- good or not-so-good!

Write soon,
Laurie

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Good Morning All,

I'M OUT!!!!! For good! Yea, finally! (well sort of yea, i'm still somewhat nervous.

For the first time in a long time, I am going to have to eat a meal on my own. I don't think that I will have too many problems though.

I still have to see my dr once a week and my therapist twice a week and the nutritionist once a week. So i'm not completely free of that, which is good. I can live with that as opposed to 24/7.

Well, I have heaps planned. I have to transform this flat.

Thankyou all for your good wishes

Laura


pinklulu #287200 01/09/07 11:09 PM
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Welcome back, Laura! Looks like all your hard work has paid off. You certainly have a long way to go, but you know that and you are prepared.

soldier on.


Jan Goldfield

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Hey, that's excellent! I'm sure you'll be fine. I hope you treat yourself to food you really love, even if you have to start learning what food that is.

Don't overwhelm yourself with too many plans and new things all at once, but definitely do enjoy yourself and the projects you've got coming up.


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Okay, first of all, if you do not have an ed, you don't and won't get it. You can give all the advide that you want, but chances are it won't go anywhere. i myself am bulimic with anoretic tendencies. I can't stand it when people tell me the same bullshit over and over again! think of it this way; it's like when you have kids and your child is misbehaving in the store and someone who has never had a child of their own, tell you what to do about it. it can actually make things worse. And more than that it is not soemthing that someday someone just happens to decide to become. It takes years for an eating disorder to develop to full on "activities" and the like. For most people it's not a choice, it has become a need.

I totally understand where pink is coming from. It's more than a habit or an addiction, it's a lifestyle, literally. It controls/influences EVERYthing you do. advice of a therapist is great, if you can find one. Maybe talk your doctor (if they know you well enough) and see who they recommend. There's a lot of people out there that call themselves pschiatrists and therapists when they have absolutely no right to carry that title. If you have been hospitalized,in treatment, etc. chances are you can get your insurance to help cover these expenses, but it may and probably will take some pushing.

Oh, and a reply to pondlady, karen carpenter died of ipicac misuse, not anorexia.

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Please Cake, get some help. I know you probably won't like hearing this but if you do want to live a healthy and happy life you need to make one step. Talk to a doctor. It WILL get easier. I promise you.

About two months ago I made that step and I must admit that it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. However, I am now on the road to recovery and my life has improved dramatically.

Luckily for me we have an excellent health care system in Australia, so I was looked after quite well. I do not know what your situation is like.

I have had to deal with some horrible issues. They have brought up a lot of bad memories. I wanted to quit so badly. I cried in my hospital room for hours. I have learnt that I needed to deal with those issues if I wanted to progress in life and live.

I completely understand what it is like. I am struggling with it as I write this. I still have a long way to go. But the quality of life is far better.

You can hate me or not for writing this. Know that I care what happens to you even though I do not know you. I know the damage it can do. I was literally only a few hours/days from death. I now have a dicky heart and have the bones of a 60/70 yr old. I am at high risk for developing fractures. I have actually shrunk about 1cm. I have other health issues. I'm not in a good state.

I wish you all the best.

Laura

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Thankyou All for welcoming me back.

I'm enjoying my projects and am having a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun trying to design a new quilt. I'm designing it one block at a time while I am making it and it really is great to be spontaneous. I love it.

Have fun

Laura

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Oh, no worries. I don't hate you. You have your opinion and I respect that. I have told my doctor, psychiatrist, and past therapists (looking for a new one now.) I did want to go to treatment last spring, and I came up with the courage to tell my family and my closest friends. But my mom refused to send me somewhere, and now I have lost my "motivation" if you will. You know how it is.. "when i lose this much more, THEN i'll go" you get there then you say the same thing, again and again.

Believe it or not, i AM trying..

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LTEC, I have said this recently and will say it again. The one thing you think you are in control of is the very thing that is out of control.
Why would you rely on your mother to send you somewhere? Is that not giving control of your body to someone else?


Jan Goldfield

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I agree with Cake, that you can never really know what it's like -- living with an eating disorder, or struggling with alcoholism, or losing a child, or being assaulted or suffering on-going abuse --- until you've been there.

We've all been hit with something. I do struggle with an eating disorder, but I don't think that gives my suggestions any more weight or me any more insight. Perhaps Jan (pondlady) doesn't struggle with anorexia, but maybe she's dealt with addiction or grief or something else that gives her insight and wisdom. Good advice can stand alone, independent of who it comes from. Support can - and should - come from all sides.

Laura's taking huge steps to save herself - she's learning to take control of her body and life - and it sounds like the hardest thing she's ever done! I can't imagine being hospitalized and weighed and all the stuff that goes with it...but I think about her every day, and pray for her every night.

Cake, I'm glad you posted your thoughts! Thank you. I believe that you are trying. Too bad getting control over it isn't a one-shot deal, huh? My counseling helped immensely - I lucked out with a counselor that I connected with immediately, who somehow knew how to reach me. Funny - she was bulimic, too!

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I have no special insight on eating disorders, but I was the administrator and psychologist at an inpatient drug rehab program for 20 years. My clients used to say that you could not understand an addiction unless you were an addict. I disagree. You don't have to have cancer to treat it.

My addiction was cigarettes....and my clients told me that a cigarette addiction was worse than any other. While I was quitting, I agreed. 17 years later, I still agree.

Any addiction is one of the hardest things there is to get a handle on. People do conquer them daily, so we know it is possible.

To those who wish to find that handle, keep searching. It is there!


Jan Goldfield

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While I respect that you are a professional, doesn't mean you know all the right answers. sometimes there are no right answers. all we can do is try our best. i do not rely on my mother, but at the time i was a minor. now i am not but i am in a really intensive college and it's not like i can just pick up and leave.

like i said before, i AM looking for a new therapist. it's really hard when you have had to deal with as many assholes as i have.

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And I agree that there are thousands of [censored] therapists out there. I have met many of them. If I had to refer anyone to a therapist right now, I could not name one who I would trust to offer good treatment. But there are some, somewhere, I know.

Oh, I do live with one, but I cannot refer folks to her. It just isn't professional.

You may have have noticed I left the profession. And now you know at least one of the reasons.


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Laura, you'll have to post some pictures of your quilt for us! smile

"Sometimes there are no right answers" - that is very often true. But usually support, encouragement, understanding, and just being there for someone is far more valuable than having the right answers. We all have our own perspectives on life and various issues, all coming from different experiences and backgrounds - sometimes it can be a huge eye-opener to listen to someone else's ideas and viewpoints and realise that you have never thought of something in that particular way before. It can sometimes open up a whole new world, even if it is just an ordinary observation. You never know when someone will hear or read your words and take something valuable from them. One of the reasons I try to be positive wink


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It sounds like I am on of the rare ones, like Laurie, who managed to strike it lucky with a therapist.

She referred to me as a miracle. To begin with, it really didn't mean much. But that didn't stop her from reminding me and teaching me exactly why. And now that word has extra special meaning for me and I get teary thinking about it.

There are a number of other therapists in the hospital and after our sessions, I would talk to other people on my room/ward who were struggling with some sort of issue (there was only one other girl who was struggling with an ed and she left after two weeks of me starting - funny enough, she had June as well and she called me the other day and told me how well she was doing).

Anyway, The others weren't quite as lucky with their therapist. Often, they would just prescribe them anti-depressants to shut them up, rather than trying to deal with the root of the problem. I didn't believe that we were in the same hospital. We couldn't have been. They seemed to rush around, never having enough time, always at a meeting. Whereas June would often say to me and the rest of her patients, "I have a meeting, but you are more important, you are the reason why I am working, so I will continue to talk to you" She would often skip out on her meetings. That didn't make her any less of a therapist. In fact it was nice to know that someone cared that much.

Cake, continue your search. There will be someone out there who will be able to help you through your struggles.

Let us know how you get on. I hope you find someone great.

Laura

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I also struck gold when I came across this forum. Everyone has been so supportive and does genuinely care. Each has their own unique view on life and challenges and collectively that equals to a massive power source. It has given me the courage to seek help and continue when I have wanted to give up. Every situation is so very different and what is the right answer for one may not be the right answer for another. As Elle said, the best thing we can do is offer support. To know that someone cares is far more meaningful than hearing the right answers.

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Hi, Just thought that I would say a quick g'day.

Life is plodding along nicely at the moment. Everything seems to be sorting itself out. I'm cooking for myself now. Very strange, I haven't cooked in a long time. I'm enjoying life and all that comes my way.

Hope your lives are going just as well.

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Just thought that I would share this with you. This was given to me over christmas and now takes pride of place in my flat.
It reminds me to live my life as I should and be happy. It is positive and I love it.


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I love that sentiment! What an excellent reminder.

I hope you are enjoying both the process of cooking and the results. There's more to it than just eating; it can be a lot of fun, a way of expressing your creativity, an enjoyment of flavours and smells, as well as providing nourishment to yourself. Try not to take shortcuts just because you're cooking just for yourself. Pretend you're cooking for a loved one (you!).


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Laura, what a great motto by which to live your life. Sounds as if you are coming along nicely.


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Good Evening All,

I am kind of embarrased to be posting on here right now. Just when I think things are going well, something triggers it off and sets me back. On sunday morning, I was sorting out some old stuff and found an ana inspiration book that I had put together a while ago. I couldn't help but have a peek through it. Then it hit me - that I was 48 kilos - that is equal to a weight gain of thirteen kilos (I think its about 26 or 27 pounds), more than 1/3 of my original weight. That is huge. I completely lost it. I was thinking - I've lost control, how did I get to this state?

So now here I am and I have not eaten in three days. I have been going to my appointments and neither the dr or my therapist have suspected anything.

I just feel like I am never going to be well again. I am going to be stuck like this forever. I want to retain that control that I have had for so long, but at the same time I want to be free of this horrible way of life.

I don't understand life. I don't understand struggles. I don't understand my mind. I want things to be better again, but I don't think I have it in me to continue.

pinklulu #288143 01/17/07 09:58 AM
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Laura, none of us understands life. We just keep on keeping on. When things get tough and out of control many of us get our butts to a therapist. What would happen if you 'fessed up to your therapist about your setback? She helped you before. Maybe she could help you again. She seems to be good. And don't forget you have to work a long time to get better, but you WILL.


Jan Goldfield

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Hi Laura,
I haven't posted before but I've been reading all along on your struggle. I have been amazed at your progress and the strength you've found. I'm on the opposite end of the scale - I've struggled with being overweight most of my adult life. I've never been thin but during college I was active and stayed at a healthy weight in spite of my poor eating habits. It caught up with me, in addition to a thyroid condition which makes it hard to lose weight or keep it off. Now that I've got my thyroid under control, it is time for me to get serious about making healthier choices. Even though I don't have the "ana" issue, I can relate to your struggle to make healthy choices for your body in spite of what your head wants to do. I'm sure you'll experience periods of set back (like now), but you're learning new skills to deal with them. In time, your new determination to be healthy will win over the old control issues. Stay strong - we're all pulling for you!

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Laura,

Setbacks are part of healing, I think. It reminds me of alcoholics who never say that they're "cured" -- they're always an alcoholic. They take it one day at a time, struggle a day at a time, and have good days and bad days. I struggle with binge eating; just when I think I'll never do it again, I do it! It does feel hopeless sometimes.....and other times, life is good and I'm back on top of my game.

I'm so glad you posted, it was probably hard to be so humble and vulnerable and honest.

Last night at dinner, we were talking about how life is simply a series of ups and downs, with some major peaks and valleys. You may be in a down phase, and the best way to get back up is to reach out, like you're doing here.

Jan had a good question - how would June react to this? I remember telling my counselor when I had a major setback, it was embarrassing and humiliating, I felt like I'd failed her. But my counselor said of COURSE I reverted to my old way of coping, that's normal because that was how I'd been living for years.

We're pulling for you, like Tbunny says.....
- Laurie



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Pink,

Just reading your post and the wonderful ladies that have written you is amazing. I too am so proud of you taking that step in the right direction for YOU and YOUR health. You can never go wrong when investing in yourself. You deserve health, happiness and much more! Please keep intouch with all of us and let us know how you are. BRAVO TO YOU!!!

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You're in my thoughts Laura *hug*

Today is what is important, not the past three days. Eat something now. Pick up a piece of fruit and see it as a nourishing package of vitamins and minerals that fuel your body and allow your body to function as it should. Put your thoughts into how the fruit tastes and the fact that you are doing something good for yourself by eating it.

You deserve to refuel your body simply by the fact that you're here. You wouldn't drive around in your car without filling up with petrol, would you? Especially since it would probably stop working and strand you somewhere you don't want to be. Don't do that with your body. Right now you're where you don't want to be, so refuel and get yourself outta there smile


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I'm trying. I just cannot do it. I look at it and I just keep on thinking, "seconds on the lips, forever on the hips". I do not know why this is happening. I do want to be healthy.
I feel so ill, yet I know that if I ate that I would not feel sick.

I just want to bury my head under the sand and forget about everything.

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Maybe you need a new slogan? Something that's just as memorable as that one, but a positive healthy one about taking care of yourself. Perhaps for now just repeat "Live Well, get healthy" or something like that.

Still sending hugs your way.


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Laura, what might happen if you got back in touch with June? What might happen if you don't?


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I don't know. can't think straight at mo. i do not want to go back into the hospital. i like my freedom too much. i have appt with june tomorrow morning.

i look and feel like [censored]. she will know somethin is up for sure. unless i find some way to cover up.

i have had enough. just want to be free of this rotten hell.

pinklulu #288321 01/18/07 03:18 PM
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Tell June exactly how you feel. She can help.


Jan Goldfield

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You can do this Laura. You're stronger than you think you are.


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Laura, your relapse is normal and expected. June has seen it hundreds of times. See her and level with her. She knows anyway.


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Good morning

well, i managed to do it. (Or June managed to get it out of me - how on earth do they do that?)

As soon as she saw me she knew something was up. She said to me, "so, what happened?" "well..." and so I told her. She then grabbed me something to eat and made sure I ate that at least.

She told me, as you have, that relapses are normal, and we just pick up where we left off. We then discussed some other issues. She than made sure that before I left the hospital that one of the doctors had checked me over. Luckily, I wasn't admitted. She wanted me to stick around for lunch but I didn't want to stay.

I was given an assignment, to destroy my ana books. Well, I didn't destroy it, just threw it in the bin outside. But, it's gone now. Something that has been part of my life for quite some time.

I told June I needed a new saying to live my life by, and that I was going to write this down on one of my quilt blocks which I have just done. She suggested, "Nourish both your body and soul". I don't know. It doesn't really sit well with me. What do you think? I like the word nourish/nourishment. Do you have any other suggestions.

And thanks for the pushes. It's not as scary as I thought it would be.

Laura

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Wow - I'm amazed by your story Pinklulu. You have shown a lot of courage and it is fantastic that this online community allowed you to reach out and ask for help and receive encouragement.

Keeping reaching out and keep in touch - the world has so much to offer and valuing your health is so important so that you can enjoy your life.

After taking the steps that you already have I know you have the strength to overcome this obstacle and move on to a great future.

Best Wishes
Danielle


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pinklulu #288354 01/18/07 09:47 PM
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Let us nourish ourselves in every way.

Nourishing ourselves by living happily (well, or something else. I'm sorta brain dead right now.

Nourishing our souls through nourishing our bodies????

I like June's bunches.

I agree I like the words nourish. There are so many creative wordy women here, you will have more ideas than you can handle.


Jan Goldfield

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I'm so glad you got through today.

How about "The earth provides nourishment so that I can live well."

While you say it picture the natural foods of the earth as wholesome, healthy resources that are meant to be eaten. These are foods that don't make you fat, they give you health.

Or "Eat well of foods that nourish the body."

When I'm ill I like to visualise my body taking in the nutrients I need from the food I'm eating, and eliminating the toxins as part of the process. I do this even if it is just an apple I'm eating. That food is like a bulldozer, that pushes the toxins along and out, it's got to be done regularly or those toxins just sit there making you feel worse. You can think of anything you like as those "Toxins" - negative feelings, self-doubt - and imagine them being pushed out of your system by the nutrients you're putting in.


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I wish I had some magic words to help you, Laura. I know you will pull through this, I know you're strong enough!

But I'm really sorry for you - this sucks.

You've come SO far and changed so much....have you talked to your counselor yet? Remember what led you to her --- the first post of this whole thread, and this whole stage of your life. You were too weak to move, and you found the strength to get help.

Reach down inside you and find the strength to help yourself again.

- Laurie

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Good Afternoon,

thanks for your suggestions. I have decided to use something very simple, "nourish life". It didn't take as long to embroider that smile . I have written down your other suggestions and may incorporate it in somehow. I'm all excited because I am now almost finished one block. Yea! I forgot how much fun it can be.

Laurie, I did go and see June yesterday. I have written about it in yesterdays post.

I am still struggling though. It is a huge effort to eat and feel good about it. I will get there, I hope.

Have fun. Laura

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Somehow I missed several posts when I last wrote in - that was wierd. June sounds very perceptive and insightful; not easily fooled!

In my dictionary, nourish also means cherish. I like that idea, of cherishing, fostering, and supporting one's body, mind, and soul. Because if you don't, who will?



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Yes! yes! yes!... Laura, you are doing such a GREAT job and I, along with everybody else, am so proud of all the success that you have accomplished! Keep up the good work and good luck with all your wonderful projects!

Nourish Life & Cherish Living (is another simple block to stitch with such BIG meaning)

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Good Morning All,

I know that I have been quite slack posting on here lately. Things are quite crazy at the moment and it is taking its toll.

I was actually offered a job during the week. It is very appealing to me as the pay will be considerably more than what I was getting before and I thought that I was on excellent pay in my last job. My last job was as a personal assistant in a small construction firm. This job that I have been offered is operations manager in a larger construction firm. It will just suit me perfectly. I cannot believe that this opportunity has come my way. It is so exciting. The boss seems like a nice fellow as well. I have actually heard a lot of good about this company.

It is full time work. This means that I am going to have to give up my therapy sessions. I personally do not think that this will cause any dramas. Besides, I sort of haven't been looking after myself as much as I should and I was just trying to work out the other day how I could wriggle out of my sessions. smile This is a great excuse and will be a good distraction for me.

I have not accepted the position yet. I have until Tuesday. I have pretty much made up my mind that I am going to accept it, even though the doctor does not think that I am fit for work at the moment. Oh well, I am just excited to get back into the swing of things.

Well, enjoy your day everyone.

Laura

Last edited by pinklulu; 01/28/07 10:54 AM.
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That's fantastic news Laura! Good on ya!

Surely after (say) two weeks, you could ask to work a lunch hour so that you can take some extra time for a "doctor's appointment"? Even if you cut your therapy sessions back to fortnightly or monthly, it would be better to have some check in time rather than cutting it off cold. Especially if you have the extra (but good) pressures of a new job, you may want to debrief every now and then so that you can settle in better.


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How exciting, Laura! What a great opportunity for you. I think Elle is right tho (and so do you, don't you?), that you could probably finagle a session with June. The job is great and you want to keep it, I know.


Jan Goldfield

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Thanks Jan and Elle for your good wishes.

It is all official now. However, I do not start for almost three weeks. That's ok, it will give me a bit of breathing space and time to sort everything out.

I found out my hours today. They are so much better than my previous job. I was working six days before, I will only work five days now AND I will get RDO'S, which I was not getting before. I understand that with this job I will probably have a few more headaches, but that's ok. I can handle anything.

Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling on about my job, I'll probably bore you to tears.

I saw June today. She seemed a bit weary about me taking the job. She thinks I need a lot more time to recover. I personally think I have had enough time. She told me that I need to look after myself first before I even think about work. She thinks that if I push myself into something too quickly then I will relapse just as quickly.

I do not think so. I want to do this and I will.

Laura

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Best of luck to you, Laura. Your job sounds great. Please devote as much time and energy to yourself as you do to your job.
I am guessing that RDO's mean Regular Days Off???


Jan Goldfield

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All the best Laura - 3 weeks is excellent for you to wrap up what you need to and also plan things like: what are you going to do for lunch at work? Will you make sandwiches at home, or buy something to eat? Or take last night's leftovers in to work (my favourite option)? What time do you need to get up so that you can eat breakfast properly before you go in? When you come home after a long day's work, what are you going to make for dinner? Please do think about these things, as I think this is where you could come unstuck if you let yourself. But I know you're not going to do that smile


RDO = Rostered days off - here in Aus we sometimes get days off in lieu of overtime worked rather than being paid overtime (usually organised if the company can't afford the cost of overtime). Not as nice as being paid 1.5 or 2X per hour, but certainly better than having to work overtime for no compensation at all. As my hubby has to do - every six weeks or so he has a full week of 24 hour standby for emergencies. Sucks, but is supposedly encompassed in his "Salary package".


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Pretty much what Elle said - I will just add one thing though. eg. A person working 8 hours gets paid for 7.6 hours and after four weeks that accrues to one paid day off. This means an extra thirteen days off in a year on top of your annual leave of four weeks. I personally prefer the days off to the extra money. Not that it matters for me anyway as I will be on an fairly decent salary package. The majority of tradesmen are entitled to RDO's by law. Anyway enough teaching about Australian employment.

Thanks for the SUBTLE hints by the way.

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Seriously though, eating disorder or not, if you figure out meals in advance, it's much more comfortable when starting a new job, cause it's one less thing to worry about and you can make sure to pamper yourself a little - whether that's something you particularly like to eat, or a nice novel to read during your lunch break, or a pretty napkin and placemat in your lunch bag, or ...

Plus, I've found it's really easy to not give myself enough time for breakfast when starting a different schedule and my brain really needs the food to cope with the change!

Congrats on the new job too!

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Thanks for the education re RDO's. I think it's great. Of course, in the US, folks are lucky to get 2 weeks vacation and that's after many years of working. I never worked for anyone else, so never got a vacation at all. I do love being retired.

Laura, I know we are about as subtle as a train wreck, but we want what you to find what is best for you. And we stumble around not knowing what to say or how to say it. So we get out large hammers and do our best. As long as you know what is best, all will be OK.


Jan Goldfield

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Sometimes all you need is a new job or flat makeover for a whole new perspective on life! Other times, the statement "wherever you go, there you are" holds - meaning you still have to deal with your stuff no matter where in the world you go.

Wouldn't it be cool if we could just brush off our struggles with a change of scenery?

Congrats on the new job, Laura...you sound charged! I'd rather have time off instead of money, too.

Is June giving you "back to work" tips?

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Thanks everyone,

Yes, we are very fortunate here in Australia with a decent employment system.

I am charged. I know what I am doing. I am really excited.

Although... I have slipped up a little this week - I think that's because I am a little nervous about the new job. It is a lot more responsibility and a shift in focus from my old job.

It's ok, June and I are working through things. I try to be as honest as I can because I know that if I'm not, the only person who is going to suffer is me. I have had enough of suffering, I want to be free of this horrible illness. Each day is one step closer to that goal.

June's back to work tips are very basic - In a nutshell, don't rush into things too quickly and take time to learn the ropes and get acquainted with the place. If I get stressed, take time out for a breather. Oh yeah, and MAKE SURE that I take a packed lunch smile , and eat it too.

Elle, don't stress - On Fridays, I knock off early with the tradesman. This Means that my counselling sessions and doctors appointments will be scheduled for Friday. So I do not get out of them.

Have Fun

Laura




Last edited by pinklulu; 02/07/07 11:12 AM.
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Good on you, Laura. I am so glad you love your new job. Please do keep in touch.


Jan Goldfield

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Congratulations, Laura -- it sounds as if you are doing really well with your journey!!

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Originally Posted By: pinklulu
Elle, don't stress - On Fridays, I knock off early with the tradesman. This Means that my counselling sessions and doctors appointments will be scheduled for Friday. So I do not get out of them.


I'm so glad. That works out really well.

I'm sure you are going to continue to heal and improve your life, and that this job will also help you to get back to some sort of normalcy. Do keep us posted. smile


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Gotta echo Elle and pondlady: please keep us posted! Good luck settling into your job - I've read it takes 3 months to be comfortable in a new job. It's usually the fastest three months ever, because of all the learning and new stuff.

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Hello again,

I haven't actually started my job yet. I start next monday. I am stressing out in anticipation of it though. This anxiety is a lot worse than I thought it would be. I just have to remember to keep calm, breathe in, breathe out, eat, and enjoy the adventure ahead of me.

I am enjoying my therapy sessions a lot more now. It seems that as soon as we got all the yucky stuff out, it became easier and fun and is something that I really look forward to going to now.

My doctor told me today that she was extremely impressed with the progress that I have made and my health is at a good level and many (not all) of my initial health problems have reversed. This is great news.

I am actually starting to feel comfortable with myself when I look in the mirror. I have gained a heck of a lot of weight and I thought that I would be stressed out about it, but for some reason, I'm not. I like it. It feels really good.

I think that the key to it is that we need to develop our own feeling of self worth and when we have that then we can overcome any challenge that comes our way. When we have self worth, the small things just don't matter any nore. This is what I am learning. I feel like I make a contribution to the world. I am of worth and that really makes a big difference to me and how I look at myself and life.

I'm climbing the ladder. I still have a long way to go, but I am going up and not down.

Have fun all.

Laura

Last edited by pinklulu; 02/12/07 10:14 AM.
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Thanks for the update, Laura. You say some most profound words.
Keep soldiering on.



Jan Goldfield

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Laura you are such a gem, and what an inspiration too! If the proof were needed that somebody in a seemingly desperate and irreversible situation, can get up and pick up the pieces and start again, you are certainly it!
Hold your head high. You have been through more cr**p than many people see in a lifetime.
Try not to stress about your job. if there's one thing I have learnt in my varied careers and jobs, it's that - everyone else is just as stressed as you are! Understand that you can stand shoulder to shoulder with everyone, and spit the world in the eye (yech! But you know what I mean!)because you are every bit as good as they are. if not better.
You go girl!!

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Thanks Alexandra and Jan. You have made my day! I'm excited and looking forward to the challenges ahead of me. You are right. I have overcome a lot, I can overcome a hell of a lot more. I am ready to take the world head on. It hasn't seen all that I am capable of yet.

Thanks, I'm all fired up now. I love it.


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The adventure has only just begun.


Last edited by pinklulu; 02/13/07 09:55 AM.
pinklulu #292392 02/13/07 07:54 PM
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I'm so proud of you Laura! You really have taken so much out of your counselling sessions and really made them work for you. You sound like you're in a good headspace now. I hope you continue to grow stronger and more positive.

Just take the job one small step at a time. Nobody expects anyone to pick everything up at once, so take the time to learn and understand, and in no time at all you'll be confident about your ability to do the job with professionalism. Everyone has to go through a learning curve when they start a new job. You're right to be excited about the opportunity and the challenge. You can do this. smile


Elle Carter Neal
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elle #292430 02/13/07 10:01 PM
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Laura, you go, girl!! You are certainly a good teacher for all those folks who are experiencing what you are.

Jan


Jan Goldfield

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You're an inspiration to everyone who is struggling with something (and that's all of us!!).

You've come a long way, baby - and it was one step at a time.

Keep it up, Laura.

Laurie PK #293585 02/19/07 02:49 PM
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Hi Laura,

I'm reading this pretty good book called "What Happy People Know" by Dan Baker. One part in particular really resonated with me, and made me think of you!

He's a psychologist, and he was trying to help an anorexic teen who was hospitalized. He tried lots of things to help her, but she just continued to starve herself. Then, he asked her what she loved - and she said her dog, Rover Reddy! So he brought Rover to the hospital and let her pet and love him up a little.

He asked her how she felt about Rover.

"I love him," she said, cuddling the dog.

"Love him how?"

"Like I want to take care of him."

"Would you starve him?" he asked.

"No!" She looked at him as if he were crazy - but she got it.

That was the foothold, the beginning, of her recovery. It was a touching story -- and so true! We don't starve what we love - nor should we overfeed or abuse them.

I just liked what I read, and wanted to share it.

I hope you're doing well, Laura -- keep us posted! How's work?

Laurie PK #296058 03/02/07 07:03 AM
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Hi all,

I know that I have been a slacker in getting on here. My computer broke about almost two weeks ago and I have only just gotten around to fixing it now.

Thankyou so much for all your lovely replies.
Laurie, that is a very touching story - thankyou. It is just what I need right now, after a very crazy day. Although, I did see June today, and she knows just how to calm me down. She is great.

Work is interesting. I'm still getting my head around everything, but am happy with the progress that I have made. I think the guys are just starting to get used to me. They haven't had a female working there for quite a number of years, so it is kind of a shock to their system and it has taken them a little while to loosen up. I think they are scared to act themselves around me because I am female. But they are good blokes. It's kind of funny really. I'm having fun joking with them.

My boss is stressing me out at the moment. I'm getting the feeling that he is somewhat of a sleaze. Today he was driving me absolutely nuts. He is lucky I am not a vicious person because I seriously felt like belting him one. He just wouldn't leave me alone and he insists on being by my side the majority of the day to "educate" me, after he has shown me how to do the darn thing thirty times already. He sits within two cm's of me - way too close for comfort.

Anyway, that's my whinge. lol. sorry. Apart from that, everything is good. I'm just glad it is the end of the week and I have two days rest.

Have a great day everyone.

Laura


Last edited by pinklulu; 03/02/07 07:06 AM.
pinklulu #296090 03/02/07 10:15 AM
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Hi Laura,
Sounds like work is going well even if the boss is a sleaze. I'm sure he will be hitting on you soon. I know this is anecdotal, but I have taught thousands of classes in my lifetime and have asked each and every woman if they ever worked anywhere where the boss or a coworker, but usually the boss did not sexually harass them in some way. 100% said yes. I'm sure this is universal, not just in the US. So have your defenses up. He is going to do or say something; you just don't know when.

Great to hear from you.


Jan Goldfield

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Glad your work is interesting Laura. You just have to let other people's attitudes and silliness slide off you now. You're getting to a point where you're learning to know who you are, so hold onto that. Don't let him get to you, but don't let him get away with any rubbish.


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pinklulu #300542 03/19/07 12:58 AM
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Laura,

I haven't written in before, and in fact, I just came upon this forum and your story tonight. It really is an inspiration and you are one tough cookie. Keep up the good work, and please keep posting. I'm sure I will be back to see what's going on with you!


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Hi All,

I haven't been on here in ages as my computer is now stuffed and I haven't been bothered to get it fixed, so I am on the net at the library now.

Well, things have changed. Yesterday, I quit my job! My [censored] of a boss decided to try some moves which I wasn't happy with, so I told him to [censored] off, chucked the car keys on the desk and walked home.

I am NOT going to be treated with disrespect. I don't care what anyone says, I am not going back there with the promise that things "might" get better. They never do. He tried to tell me that if I would co-operate with him, then he would make it worth my while and increase my wages. I told him I'd prefer to be scrubbing toilets for peanuts than his sex slave.

Well that is my life to the present. Apart from that things are good. I'm now unemployed again. But at least I don't have to deal with any [censored].

Have Fun

Laura

pinklulu #301032 03/20/07 06:15 PM
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Oh Laura! How awful! What a cr@p way to have to try to get back into the working world. But good on you for sticking up for yourself and not taking that rubbish. You do deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, especially at work.

Have you talked this through with June? Don't let any of this interfere with your recovery. It sounds like you're handling it well though. Remember not to let others (like this ex-boss) dictate how you feel about yourself.

Are you going to try to find another job, or are you sitting it out for a bit?

Keep us updated if you can.


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elle #302419 03/26/07 02:51 AM
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It might sound like I am handling it well, but I am a mess. It really sucks. However, I do not regret my decision to leave.

I have decided to take a short break from work, so I can recover. It is too much to even think about looking for work at the moment. I thought I had a long enough break before. Obviously not!

June tells me pretty much what you did elle, not to let others dictate how I feel. She said it is normal to feel this way. I didn't want to be considered "normal". I just wanted a miracle cure and for all of this cr*p to diappear. But no, this is just one more obstacle that I need to overcome. I'm sick of it.

I need to be extremely careful right now and June emphasized this. Self-hate thoughts are creeping back in and I have a strong urge to forget all that I have learnt and revert back to my old ways of thinking and coping. Heck, sometimes I think that it would be a lot easier.

I need to turn those negative thoughts into positive thoughts. Or irrational to rational - whatever. I try.

Anyway, thankyou all. Sorry I'm not too exciting today. I am trying, I am and I think I am doing ok considering.

Until Next Time

Laura

pinklulu #302436 03/26/07 04:17 AM
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Oh Laura - here's a hug for you.

Take a deep breath and try to clear your mind of any thoughts of the past or future and just focus on sensations, like a breeze and sunlight on your skin - just *be* for a while, without having to think and think and think (I don't know about you, but I sometimes have thoughts going round and round in my head and it can drive me batty.) At times like this I like to scrub my house - there's something about elbow grease and the satisfaction of a sparkling room that helps to put things in perspective for me.

One tiny step at a time.

Is your computer up and running yet? When it is, or if you have access to a computer [with sound], here's something nice for you to read - maybe this will help to give you some positive vibes. [edit - silly me: you can just read it - the sound is just music]

Last edited by elleCreatEd; 03/26/07 06:47 AM.

Elle Carter Neal
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Laura, no matter how negatively you feel about this, remember that you did handle it, and you should feel proud of yourself. You made the decision to not accept disrespect and abuse, and you kept that promise you made to yourself. Would you have been able to do that a year ago? Think how far you've come in just 1 year.

You may feel that June was right after all, and that you really weren't ready to go back into the work environment - but that's not relevant anymore: the obstacle you were hoping to avoid happened, but you stood up for yourself, and you did handle it, you can handle this sort of thing.

Yes, it would be easier to go back to the old way of thinking, because you've had more practice. So, you have to practice positive thinking now, and eventually it will be easier to turn to the rational, positive side of yourself when you need encouragement, rather than falling back on old habits. One step at a time.

*hug*


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elle #304117 04/01/07 10:44 AM
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Laura, what strength you showed in walking away from an a$$hole. No one has to put up with being harassed. I have never met one woman, not even one in my 65 years on this earth, who has not been sexually harassed at work. Sadly that says much about our society. However, your courage is shining right now. So it was not you who failed at all. It was the idiot at work.
Keep soldiering on. You are doing great!

Jan


Jan Goldfield

pondlady #305514 04/06/07 11:37 AM
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Laura,

How are things going for you? We're thinking about you, and hope to hear from you soon!

Laurie

pondlady #305660 04/07/07 06:08 AM
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Originally Posted By: pondlady
Laura, what strength you showed in walking away from an a$$hole. No one has to put up with being harassed. I have never met one woman, not even one in my 65 years on this earth, who has not been sexually harassed at work. Sadly that says much about our society. However, your courage is shining right now. So it was not you who failed at all. It was the idiot at work.
Keep soldiering on. You are doing great!

Jan


Is the situation that bad at work place?

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Hello,

I have finally got my computer working again. Hopefully it will be be permanent this time. I am so sick of technology, but I love it and cannot live without it.

I actually left town for about a week and came back just a few days ago. I had to get out of town and be somewhere where I could think clearly. I thought it would be nice to get out of town, and 20 minutes later I started driving and ended up about five hours away in a town called Maryborough. Then I went to Fraser Island for a day and on I went to Maroochydore on the sunshine coast. I was a big mess and I probably wasn't safe driving on the roads, but I am now back home in one piece. It really is very unlike me to go away like that on the spur of the moment. I am glad I went. It was an interesting journey.

Being on the road for that time gave me an opportunity to think and reflect on the changes that have happened in my life and the rollercoaster ride that it has been. I had a lot of different emotions. I have dealt with a lot of cr*p and I began a massive life changing journey.

As I was driving, I decided to take a detour. I do not know why, but it just happened. I drove into the town where my ex has a holiday property. I had only ever been there once. I know that it was probably not a wise thing to do - but I have had troubles for a long time trying to overcome an incident that happened there about three years ago when his tenant raped me and he raped me afterwards. I know that my ex had moved up there after I got him fired from his job.

It was a strange and eerie experience. I felt terrified and I did not know why I was doing this. I drove into the street in which he lived and parked a few doors down. As I stared towards his property, I just became numb. I sat there and couldn't move and could not think. Then I just broke down. I know this was probably the most stupidest, riskiest, dumb thing that I could have done, going back there. But even though I had discussed this with my therapist and we had worked through this, it was something I wanted to do. It was the first time I had been back there since it happened.

I then started to drive down the road and had to stop. I couldn't gain control of myself. My emotions were very strong. I sat there for about an hour and waited until I had regained control of myself. I remember June had once asked me what I would do if John (my ex's tenant) was in the same room as me. I told her that I would probably kick him in the guts. But as I sat there I didn't feel angry. I just felt - this is hard to explain - it was like a release, a renewal. It was quite strange. It was both a negative and a positive experience.

Then I kept driving until I reached maryborough and stopped at the first motel I saw.

I did not do anything that night. I did not go out. I just sat there in my room and just reflected on what had happened. I started to write in my journal and just started to write about everything that had happened. I read back on some entries I had made while I was still in hospital. I could see how much I have grown in that time and that gave me strength. If I can overcome those challenges, I can overcome anything. Jobs come and go. Assholes come and go, but I can get through this.

It was at that point that I needed to talk to someone and I did not have access to a computer. I thought about my family and wondered what they were up to. So I called my parents home and my little brother answered. He is thirteen years younger than me and as I spoke, he became excited. He told me that he loved me and had missed me. I couldn't help but break down in tears. I have not spoken to my little bro in ages. It was just so nice. Then I spoke to my mum. She expressed happiness that I had called and we spoke for ages. I did not talk to her about my trip to hospital or my job. But it was just nice to talk to her as I had not spoken to her since christmas.

The next few days I decided I was going to forget everything of the first day of that trip and so I just had fun. I went to the beach. I went on a couple of tours. I just got out and experienced life. Something I have not been able to do in a long time. It was great.

Thankyou so much for your encouragement and your positive words. Right now, they are of more worth to me than anything else. Thankyou for being my friends. I am grateful for all of you and I appreciate you. I know this sounds soppy. I hope I am not sounding like an old broken record. This is just how I feel.

Thankyou again

Laura

pinklulu #306126 04/09/07 07:15 PM
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Laura, so glad you are back. So glad you lived through some catharis re the rape. On some level, you needed to do it. Glad June is there for you. And glad you are reestablishing contact with your family.
Soldier on.


Jan Goldfield

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Hi Laura

It's so good to hear from you. Your road trip sounds really positive - I'm sure it was something you needed to do and that is why you ended up doing a lot of stuff that was purely instinctual and intuitive. It sounds to me like your subconscious has finally allowed you to begin to release your past and move on into a whole life.

I'm so glad you spoke to your family again. It sounds like everything is starting to heal for you. You really have come a long way - keep taking those small steps forward and enjoy the process of living.


Elle Carter Neal
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elle #306399 04/11/07 12:38 AM
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Thankyou. It was a good trip. It helped me to confront my fears and now I feel confident to move into the future. I have decided that I need a career change. I am going to do nursing at uni next semester (if I get in). I think that it will be good. Well I will see how it goes anyway. I am sick of working in the building industry.

Have a great day

Laura

pinklulu #306419 04/11/07 02:52 AM
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Hey Happy Birthday Laura!

I wish you all the best for your career change. I'm sure, as a nurse, you would have bucket loads of empathy for your patients. I used to work in admin at a hospital, so I do know that nursing can be a very emotionally draining vocation as well as a rewarding one. June will be able to guide you through preparing for how it might affect you - but you will have plenty of time to work through that while you are studying.


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elle #306459 04/11/07 09:04 AM
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Thanks Elle. You have just made my day. smile

pinklulu #306462 04/11/07 09:21 AM
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Nursing? Wow. I could never do that. I have nurse friends who I admire thoroughly. I have always heard, "The doctor takes care of the disease; the nurse takes care of the patient.
To echo Elle, you will make a great nurse! Good on you.


Jan Goldfield

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thanks jan. smile

pinklulu #306687 04/12/07 12:13 PM
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Laura,

It sounds like there's some closure in your life, which must feel good even as it hurts. Saying good-bye to past relationships and even old career paths is hard...but it's exciting to think of the future!

Nursing would be a fulfilling, demanding occupation. You'd bring a great deal of compassion and empathy to patients' experiences, I bet. I've had a few surgical procedures, and I definitely remember the nurses better than the doctors! They were around more often, and more caring somehow.

Your life has sure changed in the short time you've been sharing with us. You've come a long way.

Laurie PK #307374 04/16/07 05:19 AM
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Thankyou Laurie for those encouraging words. I always enjoy hearing from you. I feel confident. I know I waver a lot, but I am getting there, however long it takes.

Have fun

pinklulu #320237 06/07/07 06:17 AM
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Hello All. I just thought that I would send a quick post to let you know that I am still alive. I don't think that I am going to post in here anymore. I will still be around occasionally, so if you want to know how things are please pm me.

Life is plodding along alright at the moment. I have just come home today from a two week stay in hospital. I also was in hospital for a bit over a week about four weeks ago. Things seem to be under control now and I am happy.

I have applied for nursing at uni. I will find out next week as to whether I am accepted for next semester. I am fairly confident that I will be.

Thankyou so much to everyone who has posted words of encouragement and support. I am so grateful for it. It has made a huge difference in my life. Without it, I would not be here.. seriously!

Thankyou all once again. I love you and appreciate you more than words could possibly express.

Last edited by pinklulu; 06/07/07 06:18 AM.
pinklulu #320886 06/09/07 09:41 PM
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Thanks for the update Laura. I wish you everything of the best and I'm sure you will continue to get stronger and healthier. Keep positive. And I'm sure we'll "see" you around on the other forums on here.


Elle Carter Neal
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