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New to the forums and looking for support #265590 08/29/06 06:54 AM
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Hi all. I just registered here today. I decided after a year of repressing my feelings about my miscarriage to look for a support group. I guess I am looking for comfort from people who have been there too. So, I guess I'll start with my story... Last June I lost my virginity to my now husband and we got pregnant. I found out July 12th I was pregnant and got very very excited. We told everyone and my now mother in law even took me baby shopping, even though I wasn't that far along. The night of July 29th I was at work and noticed spotting. I freaked then and there. As I was working the night audit work refused to let me go home until the audit was done. So I stayed and cried and freaked... Finally 5am the 30th I got off of work and went straight to the hospital with my Mom. There I had a papsmere done and everything seemed okay. Just to make sure they called in someone to do an ultrasound on me. The lady came and did an ultrasound and I saw my baby's heartbeat. It was 110bpm and she assured me that my baby was okay, little did I know that 110bpm is low... So I was sent home with pictures of our baby and felt okay. I was still spotting, but they said the fact that they did a papsmere would probably worsen things. And then 48 hours later I lost a "clot" and rushed right back to the hospital with it... After lots of worrying and lots of tears we find out that this time we did loose the baby...
My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time was very freaked out about the whole thing. And the fact that we got pregnant the first time and at the time had only been together maybe three months didn't help anything. The night we lost the baby he cried with me, but now he won't even talk about it, which is probably what's hurting me the most. When I cry and try to talk about it he more or less tells me to stop crying and get counsling. I have taken the loss of my baby very very hard and I remember everything. The night we got pregnant, when we found out we were pregnant, the night I started miscarrying, the night I did miscarry, the baby's due date. Everything. And it makes me so very sad. He always asks how I remember and I ask him how he forgets. It was such a tramatic experience for me, and for him it's like it never happened.
I don't talk about it at all anymore or cry infront of him because it feels like he just gets mad at me, so I've been repressing it, which hasn't made anything better. So, now I am here. I know lots of pregnant people, but none that have miscarried, so I don't know anyone personally that I can talk to who has been there. So, other than what I've rambled on about I'm not sure what else to say. I need help getting through it... I just need to talk about it and I think I've found the right place.

Re: New to the forums and looking for support #265591 08/31/06 12:31 AM
Joined: Aug 2006
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angelbaby Offline
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Hi sorry for your loss.

Forgive me for being brief tonight, as I have spent the last hour writing about my experince and deep thoughts to you but for some reason the whole thing disappeared.

I will re-write soon

But...just wanted to say hi and that I totally understand what you're going through and experiencing as I missed miscarried my baby boy at 18weeks pregnant on 21st April 2006. He would have been due 23rd September, so this time ahead is very painful for me.

Be strong.

Will write again soon.

x-x-x

Re: New to the forums and looking for support #265592 08/31/06 03:35 AM
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I am so sorry. I know what it is like to not have anyone to talk to. I was only a month or so along. It is hard not to talk about it cause you think about it so often. I am so sorry for your loss.

Re: New to the forums and looking for support #265593 08/31/06 03:52 AM
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AnaMaree Offline
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So sorry for your loss {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

Re: New to the forums and looking for support #265594 08/31/06 04:14 AM
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Chelle - Marriage Editor Offline
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Some men are raised to not show any emotion. And the worse the situation is, the more stoic they become.

Sadly it sounds like your husband fits this category, because he seems to go more rocklike the more you hurt.

His idea of counseling is not a bad one, but I would recommend it for both of you! I don't know the exact numbers, but I do know that the divorce rate after losing a child is very high. It seems like this sort of severe trauma either cements the bond between a couple or can pull them apart. Almost any counselor you go to for child loss is going to want to see the both of you anyway, so you will have ample "coverage" to get him to go - or at least to try to.

And the next time he asks you how you remember so much, gently remind him (not to start a fight) that the baby was a part of you. it really does make a difference. Everything that was happening in the hospital was not just happening to a 3rd person (like it was with him) it was happening to you AND the baby. I think maybe that is why it is so hard for men to understand everything - they never really feel any of what is going on, they only get to watch. Which we all joke about when it comes to morning sickness and food cravings, but it makes a real difference when it comes to something as important as this.

Hang in there. It will get easier with time, maybe not quickly, but if you work at it - you will be able to pull your lives back together. You just might need a little help to do so.

Hugs, <img src="/images/graemlins/heart.gif" alt="" />


Michelle Taylor
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Re: New to the forums and looking for support #265595 09/02/06 02:32 PM
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angelbaby Offline
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Hi angel,
Hope all's going better for you. Thank you for your best wishes.
The other night I tried to talk to my husband about how I was feeling; he told me to get over it that it wasn't meant to be. I know that, I know it was God's will, but how can it be forgotten!!! I took Michelles advice (above) and explained to him that I felt the whole experience of both pregnancy and miscarriage unlike him as a third person. He didn't answer! Wouldn't it be wonderful for men to get pregnant!!!!

Re: New to the forums and looking for support #265596 09/03/06 01:24 AM
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Thank you all so much for your support and wishes. This is helping quite a bit. It's just nice to know that you're not alone in feeling the way you do. I think that was part of the problem, because he never talked with me about it I just felt totally and completely alone. I am so thankful I found this site. And it is true, I guess it is harder for him to understand because the baby wasn't inside of him... For me, the moment I saw the positive sign on my first pregnancy test I was bonded to my baby and super excited. And then to loose it all.. I just wish he could walk in my shoes and experience what I went through, what I'm still going through. Men!! I love him to pieces, but sometimes I would just like to strangle him and make him understand.

Re: New to the forums and looking for support #265597 09/03/06 02:01 AM
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angelbaby Offline
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Hi again
Sorry, I think I called you Angel earlier. Reading through and responding to others I must have had a confused moment.

I have been hoping that once my due date was passed I could try to move forward and that my anticipations would balance and settle: But...you're right, I'm sure, instead of countdown to due date the countforward will begin as to what stage my baby would have been at!!! My sister miscarried 25years ago and still mentions her angel baby, his birthdate and due date...I could never truely understand and appreciate why she did this, like many I secretly thought 'she's got 4 beautiful kids, can't she move on!!!' I was only 6 when she miscarried so I did not live the event with her. She on the otherhand was my rock by my side all the way, in delivery with me, wiping my brow, encouraging me and keeping me going when I nearly passed out. She has truelly been my support. Afetr all she knew what I was going through and through her horrific experience she tried not to let the same thing happen to me, she asked all the right questions and got the relevant information.
I thank her deeply and wish for you all to have a support line like my big sis, if not we have each other here at the forum.
Thanks all. x-x-x


Moderated by  Christine - Miscarriage 

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