BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Sex problem =(

So me and my boyfriend have been together for just over a year, and everything, including our sexlife was great. But a month ago, the condom broke during sex. I took the morning after pill, and thought that was the end of it - its happened before, with no problems. But then whenever we tried having sex after this event, as soon as he put a condom on, he lost his erection, cos he was so paranoid about it breaking again. So after a week of this, we just went back to basics, i.e, handjobs. Then when I came on my period 2 weeks later, I thought great, he won't be paranoid anymore! =) but now he hasn't even tried to put a condom on. He just expects me to give him a handjob. I've tried hinting at it, like when he came over to mine, I asked if he was bringing condoms, but to no effect. It's been a month since we last had sex and it's really worrying me. He's still as affectionate as ever, and says he loves me, but I feel so low about it, and don't know what to say. He's started to notice, and when he asks whats wrong, I just say nothing. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I would sit him down and have a talk with him about it. Tell him how you feel and while, even though he is still be being affectionate as ever in other ways, you miss being intimate with him. Tell him his fears are natural but that he should not let them take over that aspect of your relationship, that you love him and want to work through this with him.

Why not try BCPs?

there are propholactic films and foams that may be used with condoms...the likelihood of a condom breaking is verrrrry remote...so one and foam should do more than what is actually required..

may be this would be a great oppertunity to talk marrage (commitment) if thats where you want the relationship to go!!! that way if life happens life happens but if you dont want to go that way after a year why are you with him? Or maybe he doesnt want kids...if you feel the same way then heres what i did IUD this is a form of brith control that last up to 7years!!! but this will increase your chances of getting a STD so if your not mongamis and-or he isnt either then DONT DO THIS!! up if your in a committed relationship and you trust him then... go for it. if you dont know what IUD is pm me and i will explane but im not sure what is premitted on the forum so.... cant explan here.

Can you go on borth control pills? That would be the next venue I would explore.

Or even better, condoms AND pills...

This man has developed fear of condoms. What katja says is good- condoms and pills.

Well silly you!
Communication is the fundamental underlying crux of any relationship.
He's not psychic - and men occasionlly have more difficulty than women at 'opening up' - !
If you don't speak your mind, and tell him exactly how you feel - dissatisfied, rejected, abandoned, used, unfulfilled - then you have nobody to blame - for the lack of communication - but you.

Be fair.
Open up, discuss, and sort it.

We've discussed the idea of me going on the pill, but I don't like the idea, cos everyone I know who is on the pill has either put on weight, or got terrible moodswings. So he said he didn't want that either and wasn't going to pressure me.
And he actually tried to use a condom the other day, but he just lost his erection again. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
So now I'm back where I started and I still don't know what to do.

There are still many options. There is a device that is sold medically as well as in the sex shops. It's a ring that fits on when aroused and maintains the arousal fairly well. You/he can put it on before putting on the condom which should help.

Being in England I imagine you also have access to the cervical cap which might be an option. Female condoms? Sponges? Not sure what all your options are, but there are some that do not involve hormones (which I couldn't take either).

Good advice.

You have to talk about it. That's the most important thing anyone can tell you. You have to be open and honest about how you feel. Then and only then can you make any progress with this issue.

Extreme weight gain and mood swings are rare, with the pill - and can be dealt with by taking herbal supplements to counteract the side-effects. The pill is a much improved method of contraception. You could also have contraceptive injections or implants, every 3 to six months....
I would at least try one of these options for three months....it would at least take the pressure off him completely, and permit him to relax. And it might helpyou both talk openly, without being nervous.

Use the BCP as your last resort. Sounds like you have a healthy sex appetite and going on the pill is one way to lose that. Doesn't happen to everybody, but I still haven't met the women who didn't have their libido squashed by that tiny little pill.

Hi Staci,
you have said that- but I still haven't met the women who didn't have their libido squashed by that tiny little pill.

Is thisa scientific fact? i am hearing this for the first time.

Hi cdmohatta - i don't know the scientific aspect of it, but I do believe it is a "side effect" listed by the FDA. I have talked with my doctor and my husband spoke with his after I decided to get off my pills and they both weren't surprised to hear of the change and said it was common. Over the past few years I've talked with many girlfriends about it, and those who were on the pill had a pretty low sex drive, or nothing at all. Four of them have since gone off and had the same results as I did. I think it all depends on how your own bodily hormones react, so the results would be different for everyone. I would just hate to see someone lose a healthy sex drive, it's a terrible thing to waste <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thank you. I was totally unaware of this. Thanks.

I would consider you two talk about the problem. Not just talk about it once but often maybe after sometimes, your bf will bring something out that has crossed his mind on the incident. Maybe some kind of fear. You will get surrely an idea,, hugssss <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You know who doesn't have a problem with sex, <A href="www.ilovesumeet.blogspot.com"> this guy </A>

Ive been on the pill for 3 years now, and some of the side affects are or CAN be weight gain, mood swings and lower sex drive. And I can say that for me all of those I have noticed, but it hasn't been enough to bother me too much. And it's not like that for all women. It also depends on the type of pill. There are so many, and the hormone levels in each type are different too. You can try one type for 3 months and if you notice a side effect you really dont like, ask your doctor for another type that might be better.

You have so many options! Just talk to your doctor. And I agree with everyone else here that communication is key! Especially when it comes to intimacy, it would be awful to lose out on something so great all because you didn't talk about it.

Good luck to ya.

I'm not sure that you should put your body through hormonal changes just to accommodate a guy's hangups; among other things, that'll make his dysfunction a permanent thing, and that's no good for either of you.

Sounds like after the first run of soft-offs, he developed a complex about it. He can get over it with time. Maybe you can put the condom on for him? My lovers have always liked that. Another thing I've found is that sometimes when guys get soft, when they can say what they're anxious about, the problem goes away. But what someone said before on this thread is true; you yourself need to be honest with him.

Take the pressure off and have some fun that isn't sexual. Sounds like both of you need to relax. And I agree you need to communicate, but not when you in the middle of trying. In a much more non-threatening environment.

I ended up going on the Pill. Not that I was pressured, my bf was a bit worried he'd guilted me into it when I said I was gonna. I just wanted to sort stuff out, and we talked about it too, and yeah, everything's back to normal. Better in fact. =)

And no, the pill doesn't lower sex drive.

Oh, and I forgot to reply to Emma007
(when you said) "I'm not sure that you should put your body through hormonal changes just to accommodate a guy's hangups; among other things, that'll make his dysfunction a permanent thing"

It's not an issue anymore, we talked about it, and he's a lot more confident about condoms I'd say, because he doesn't have any major issues using them when we have sex in the few days between me finishing a strip of pills and coming on my period.
So yeah, everything's good.

i would talk to him again, this time about your relationship NOT birth control since it is obvious that is not something you are willing to try. Also maybe the two of you should go to see a relationship counseler or ask your gynocologist for some tips on how to reconnect your intimacy.