BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Are Swingers Happier?

They may seem happy but are they really? or is it just a mask to hide how unhappy they really are, I personally think if you are in a relationship with somebody you love you don't want to share them.

Some people may interpret that or see that as being controlling. Being married doesn't mean that you take ownership of each other.
If swinging isn't for you, it isn't. I personally never tried it & don't think I would, but the people I have seen & known that have seem to be much more content, happier & affectionate to each other. Most of the people that I know in monogamous relationships within a few years either treat each other like garbage or treat each other like siblings.

Some people may interpret that or see that as being controlling. Being married doesn't mean that you take ownership of each other.
If swinging isn't for you, it isn't. I personally never tried it & don't think I would, but the people I have seen & known that have seem to be much more content, happier & affectionate to each other. Most of the people that I know in monogamous relationships within a few years either treat each other like garbage or treat each other like siblings.

oops sorry didn't mean to double post

I stayed away from this post to begin with, because I am very ashamed of my past experience in dealing with this issue.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe someone else could benefit from my mistake. I just got through posting about pronography in marriage as well - which is how my 1st husband and I got started in this whole "swingers" mess. Notice I say first husband, because our marriage did not last. I won't say that swinging is what destroyed it or pornography; it was our issues. But the fact that we were willing to use these means to escape our real problems should have been a neon sign to us!

We were both very young, and I had been the victim of a rape just prior to meeting my husband - so was not realy dealing well with the whole sex thing to begin with. I did not react like most women though; instead of being turned off by sex - I kind of went crazy about it. I had lost my virginity to my rapist, and my answer to that was, "well, what the heck now?"

My husband (like many men) really wanted to be with 2 women, but thought it would appeal to me more to be with 2 men to begin with and then he could "work up" to me being with another woman. Or just couple swapping period. The problem was he didn't realize how jealous he would become over the whole matter, and how addicted I would become.

It eventually led to affairs on both sides (this was only about 2 years into our marriage). We finally both stopped, had some "counseling". And I thought all was well. We became pregnant with our second child, and eventually I became a Christian. Unfortunately he met a woman at his workplace that he wanted to be with more than me. So our marriage ended.

As I said in my post on the other thread - this is a very abbreviated version of a painful and shameful time in my life. I have never talked to anyone who has been in "swinging" for very long, that it has not wound up ruining their relationship. Trust breaks down eventually. It always winds up not being enough for one partner r another. This is just my experience, and those of others I have spoken with; but they are many.

If you are considering this; think long and hard about it, and ask yourself "what exactly am I looking for out of this?" Because if it is just a thrill; then you need to find those within your own marriage bed, or risk burning it. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I have a question. what about Sexualy transmited disease? pregence? how can you know for sure who gave you the disease or got you pregent? how would you husband react to you getting pregent? condoms are not fool proof and neither is birth control pills, patches, or rings.... what would you do?

You have raised a very valid point.

We were lucky in that none of that ever came up.

But the emotional scars left behind were plenty real enough to deal with on their own. And they lasted for 8 years.

Although a child would have been a hardship, at least a life would have been something good to come out of it. As it was we had nothing good, only spite and resentment.

All of us are in search of joy. Our journey on this earth completes with that joy. What all we do is to get joy. But all these small joys don't fulfill us.

One should learn to forgive oneself and others for whatever happened. When we don't forgive ourselves, we feel th pain all the time. Please be compassionate towards yourself.

My first marriage was an open one. It was the 70s and I was pretty inexperienced sexually. We were part of a large group of friends who slept with each other. Although I did learn alot about sex and my own body and self, it was not ultimately good for our marriage. I wish I had just stayed single and dated more before settling down. Affairs and other sexual encounters strike me to be more about self affirmation... that I was sexy, attractive, had "it", had the power to make men want to go to bed with me. Not high aspirations on reflection. Now, many years later living in a monogamous marriage, sex is about personal- but also mutual- pleasure and building each other up. Growing up isn't all bad, y'know.