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#244066 05/02/06 10:03 AM
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Wow
I never knew any one one else who went through this. I was married for 12 years to a little 100 lb woman. She is an alcoholic and while in a black out she would hit and slap me in a frenzy. When she was sober she would berate me and call me crazy saying she did no such thing.

I couldn't, because of shame, tell my family or friends about it. My therapist cautioned me about how easily I could be accused of being the abuser. I did not leave the situation because I loved her two children and feared I would never see them again.

When she left me, sure enough she got a court order to distant me from the children. She said she left because she was tired of the bu.....t christian housewife life style. Which was amusing as I attended her church as she wanted her children raised as christians.

Funny aside:

While attending ALON because I found out my current, at that time, partner was an alcholic I asked what sort of person kept getting involved with alchoholics. An older member of the group looked me in the eye and said "ALON members".

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#244067 05/05/06 12:25 AM
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Chipmunk
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My dad is almost 50 years old and he is just now realizing that he was a victim of domestic violence for 21 years while he was married to my mother. We were all her victims really, me, Dad, and my baby brother. My Dad would fight back sometimes and thats when my "mom" would yell for me to break them up. So I only saw him fighting her back. We they finally did split, I realized what had been going on for years. Dad and I were talking recently and I mentioned how some men had come here to the forums and were expressing what they had went through. He said he never saw himself as a victim, just in love with a monster. Do other men feel that way? You don't feel like you are a victim until things go too far or until you are away with a clear head? How about women? When did you "wake up" so to speak and realize you were being abused? Maybe these questions should go into another topic thread LOL


Jeanette Stingley - Women's Lit
http://womenslit.bellaonline.com
#244068 05/05/06 09:07 AM
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I didn't think about being abused. My therapist used this word when I was trying to think of a way to stop my wife from striking me without harming her. Being the caretaker/fixer in the family, I felt I needed to find a way bring peace to the family for the sake of the kids and my marraige. It was so easy for me to accept her as an ill person and it was my responsibility to to "fix" things. I made a vow to be with her in good times and bad, in sickness and health. I kept waiting for the healthy good times.

The best thing she ever did for me was leave. My friends commented how I changed from a grouch to a peaceful person.

#244069 05/05/06 02:14 PM
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Chimpanzee
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I know I said this somewhere else (but can't remember where), but I did a speech on this in college.

Like Alexandra said, women are more likely to use a weapon or instrument while men tend to use fists. We can all remember those old cartoons of the big 'ol housfrau chasing the little bitty husand around the house with the frying pan...well, that's not so far off the mark!

Another thing is, a lot of men that are abused often are physically handicapped - and so have no way to defend themselves. Or - as in the case of the men on this board- were brought up "You Don't Hit Girls!!!" That is a very strong inhibition put into boys when they are very young that sticks with them for a long time. (I bet you guys open doors for women, too without even thinking about it.)

And even if a man did get past the "what would people think?" stage; how many people would believe him? Women have a hard time getting police to believe in their abuse, sometimes. It must be twice as hard for a man to convince the authorities of the same thing!

It has been a very silent problem, but thankfully, more men are speaking up about it. Now society needs to start taking it seriously.


Michelle Taylor
Marriage Editor
#244070 05/06/06 04:05 PM
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I would have to agree that male victims are forgotten about and the focus has always been the females.... I am not sure I understand why it is that way, but I guess it is the way the world looks at women...

#244071 05/06/06 05:09 PM
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Take care of yourself. It's good that you are out of the relationship. Let your wife deal with her problems. Move on and keep going to counseling and support groups. Victims are always forgotten. My thoughts and prayers are withyou.

#244072 05/22/06 10:44 PM
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Shark
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I have never realy thought about abusive women in a marrage. and i can see why men would not come forward. i am glad you did. I to ask you some thing; what do you think made you wife abusive? and would you go back to her if she got coulseling and changed her ways. I only ask because many women go back to appologtic husbands/ boyfriends and say Oh but hes changed and his reall sorry. Are men the same way?


All things are permissible but not all things are beneficial. judge not lest ye be judged.
#244073 05/27/06 10:57 AM
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Wolf
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Tell me , does your wife love you? Do you love her? Is your relationship happy? with the abuse why are you continuing? Do you have hopes? Have you spoken to your wife? And did you ask her about the reason she abused you? I know this first hand, though I was massively abused emotionally and the pain was unbearable for years. the memories can frighten me even now after four years.

#244074 09/02/06 09:25 AM
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Eddie,
Oh,boy but you have hit the nail on the head. As a relationship writer, I received two emails from women who thought nothing of "smacking" their husbands. They thought "he deserved it." It is unreal!

Personally, one particular instance that I know of is a relative who was verbally abused in the most horrible way. Her husband knew how to hurt her and she became a physical abd emotional wreck. The sad thing is he went too far with this abuse and, after years of this, she became physically violent to him. They are both victims now.


"Allow your dreams to become your plans."

Kristen

Kristen Houghton
Author and Relationship Writer
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