BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence A male perspective

I have been on this site now for I would say a month or so. I am an abused husband. That was really hard. My wife has hit me a few times and of course, I have never hit her back. I have instructed her the next time she does it we are done and she hasn't done it since.

I have been meeting with a domestic violence group now for about four weeks trying to piece together why and what has happened. I have begun to realized repressed instances of abuse, mentally and physically I have endured. There have been times when I have been punched, held down, pinned in a room, yelled at for no reason and manipulated.

I feel for every single woman nad man who has to go through this and I am very sorry for what has happened to you. I pray you will be able to find peace in your life once again. During my meetings I have found getting out of that type of a relationship as soon as possible to be the best route.

There are many men who go through the same type of abuse that women go through only they are too afraid to speak about it. They don't want to look less macho. I have seen these men have a complete and utter fear of women, so much so, they don't feel comfortable being in the same room with any women. This is very sad.

Currently, I'm going to try and help these gentlemen to realize that they do not need to fear all women and that it was only one woman who did this to them and not all. I believe it is helping. I have forgiven my wife for her actions at this point, but I also know it would not be healthy for the situation to continue.

Everytime my wife gets angry I have a fear she is going to hit me, throw something, continue to yell, pin me down, not let me move, follow me.... It is crazy to live like this. Now that we are seperated I have a fear she is following me everywhere I go. I see her car everywhere I go and sometimes I think I see her.

The effects of this type of physical/mental violence are horrible. I just want you all to know that their is a light at the end of the tunnel and you can move on from this. It is not easy and everyone is entitled to their feelings. There will be set backs and if/when you see the abuser your stomach will tighten and you will feel horrible. I have found remaining calm and when the situation begins to escalate try to diffuse the situation by saying, "Ok, let's calm down for a minute." Then, bring up a very nice memory from your time together. This will calm them down and then proceed back to the original conversation.

Male victims are so often forgotten - I so admire you for speaking out and for offering your advice. It just illustrates the fact that abuse isn't about who's physically stronger, but who has an anger problem.

wishing you well - Jane <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Women are just as likely as men to resort to violence in a relationship.
They are more likely, however, to use a weapon, due to usual poor physical strength (in comparison to male muscular build) and are far more likely to not show remorse.

I know three men, my partner and two friends, who have also been the subjects of abuse at the hands of previous partners...

I think it's viewed as being very humiliating too... more than it would be the other way round, especially (in the case of my friends and partner) if you were to see the build of two of these guys....
I am so pleased that more men are speaking out now.

I think one of the reasons why few men speak out is that they fear humiliation. I praise your courage for speaking out.

It is good that you are speaking up for yourself AND reaching out to others...

Hi, Ladies.

Thank you very much for your encouragement abotu speaking out about this issue. I cannot tell you the hurt I see in these poor mens' eyes when they talk about how their spouses have beat on them.

It is very humiliating to admit to this, especially to other men. I'm 6'3" and weigh about 184 pounds. I'm in very good shape, so not "protecting" myself in the eyes of some friends is very humiliating, but I chose the higher rode as opposed to sinking to the same level.

Thank you for your support.

Thank you Eddie for sharing! The man I am with now was abused by one of his ex's. A lot of people especially other men think he is lying when he talks about it. He is 6'3" and weighs about 240 but he was raised to not hit a woman. She even held a knife to his throat but he did not strike her. Not even to get her off of him. I think one reason he never fought back was his fear of going to jail because 9 times out of 10 the cops will accuse the men of being an instigator or see her bruises and not his.

I agree with the police situation. I have a friend who is in this line of work. They are instructed to diffuse the situation, no matter who has the bruises or called. He said, they always take the man no matter what. He said, typically, you can tell who the abuser and abusee are when the women calls to drop the charges.

Fear of going to jail is one thing that always kept me from calling the police. The only true way of doing it would be to have a third neutral party witness the event, which is few and far between.

Eddie, I want to commend your courage in coming forward with the abuse you have endured. I know how difficult it must be for you. I have a few male friends that have also been abused and there are many stereotypes and stigmas that male victims of domestic violence must endure; therefore, oftentimes they don't admit to being abused. You are to be applauded for coming forward to help others.

As far as who the abuser is when the woman calls to drop the charges, it doesn't necessarily show who the abuser is and isn't. Many times, those women that are abused will drop the charges for various reasons. First, they love their abuser so much that they don't want to see them in trouble with the law. Second, there might be economical factors involved. Third, they may be thinking that the children need their father. Fourth, they may be terrified that by reporting the abuse, they will be in greater danger than they previously were.

There are many reasons why a woman will call and drop the charges and quite honestly, I believe that men that are abused go through these same thought patterns when deciding whether or not to report the abuse they endure, not to mention the shame that is placed on them when they speak out about their being a victim.

Anyway, it's only 4 AM here, so I hope I'm making sense.

you are very brave for speaking out. this is my first encounter of a male confessing on being abused by his wife. i think you did a very good decision on the separation. im a female and hated violence and i would certainly do the same thing if i'm in your place.

continue to be strong and be steadfast on your mission to help other abused husbands,.

Wow
I never knew any one one else who went through this. I was married for 12 years to a little 100 lb woman. She is an alcoholic and while in a black out she would hit and slap me in a frenzy. When she was sober she would berate me and call me crazy saying she did no such thing.

I couldn't, because of shame, tell my family or friends about it. My therapist cautioned me about how easily I could be accused of being the abuser. I did not leave the situation because I loved her two children and feared I would never see them again.

When she left me, sure enough she got a court order to distant me from the children. She said she left because she was tired of the bu.....t christian housewife life style. Which was amusing as I attended her church as she wanted her children raised as christians.

Funny aside:

While attending ALON because I found out my current, at that time, partner was an alcholic I asked what sort of person kept getting involved with alchoholics. An older member of the group looked me in the eye and said "ALON members".

My dad is almost 50 years old and he is just now realizing that he was a victim of domestic violence for 21 years while he was married to my mother. We were all her victims really, me, Dad, and my baby brother. My Dad would fight back sometimes and thats when my "mom" would yell for me to break them up. So I only saw him fighting her back. We they finally did split, I realized what had been going on for years. Dad and I were talking recently and I mentioned how some men had come here to the forums and were expressing what they had went through. He said he never saw himself as a victim, just in love with a monster. Do other men feel that way? You don't feel like you are a victim until things go too far or until you are away with a clear head? How about women? When did you "wake up" so to speak and realize you were being abused? Maybe these questions should go into another topic thread LOL

I didn't think about being abused. My therapist used this word when I was trying to think of a way to stop my wife from striking me without harming her. Being the caretaker/fixer in the family, I felt I needed to find a way bring peace to the family for the sake of the kids and my marraige. It was so easy for me to accept her as an ill person and it was my responsibility to to "fix" things. I made a vow to be with her in good times and bad, in sickness and health. I kept waiting for the healthy good times.

The best thing she ever did for me was leave. My friends commented how I changed from a grouch to a peaceful person.

I know I said this somewhere else (but can't remember where), but I did a speech on this in college.

Like Alexandra said, women are more likely to use a weapon or instrument while men tend to use fists. We can all remember those old cartoons of the big 'ol housfrau chasing the little bitty husand around the house with the frying pan...well, that's not so far off the mark!

Another thing is, a lot of men that are abused often are physically handicapped - and so have no way to defend themselves. Or - as in the case of the men on this board- were brought up "You Don't Hit Girls!!!" That is a very strong inhibition put into boys when they are very young that sticks with them for a long time. (I bet you guys open doors for women, too without even thinking about it.)

And even if a man did get past the "what would people think?" stage; how many people would believe him? Women have a hard time getting police to believe in their abuse, sometimes. It must be twice as hard for a man to convince the authorities of the same thing!

It has been a very silent problem, but thankfully, more men are speaking up about it. Now society needs to start taking it seriously.

I would have to agree that male victims are forgotten about and the focus has always been the females.... I am not sure I understand why it is that way, but I guess it is the way the world looks at women...

Take care of yourself. It's good that you are out of the relationship. Let your wife deal with her problems. Move on and keep going to counseling and support groups. Victims are always forgotten. My thoughts and prayers are withyou.

I have never realy thought about abusive women in a marrage. and i can see why men would not come forward. i am glad you did. I to ask you some thing; what do you think made you wife abusive? and would you go back to her if she got coulseling and changed her ways. I only ask because many women go back to appologtic husbands/ boyfriends and say Oh but hes changed and his reall sorry. Are men the same way?

Tell me , does your wife love you? Do you love her? Is your relationship happy? with the abuse why are you continuing? Do you have hopes? Have you spoken to your wife? And did you ask her about the reason she abused you? I know this first hand, though I was massively abused emotionally and the pain was unbearable for years. the memories can frighten me even now after four years.

Eddie,
Oh,boy but you have hit the nail on the head. As a relationship writer, I received two emails from women who thought nothing of "smacking" their husbands. They thought "he deserved it." It is unreal!

Personally, one particular instance that I know of is a relative who was verbally abused in the most horrible way. Her husband knew how to hurt her and she became a physical abd emotional wreck. The sad thing is he went too far with this abuse and, after years of this, she became physically violent to him. They are both victims now.