BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Pressure from mother in law to produce grandchild

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Sorry to hear you are on the receiving end of such pressures. You should tell her in a gentle, yet firm way. Remember � by not telling her � she will view you guys as the �weakest link� that she can persuade, if she persists long enough. She will assume she can change your minds � because you have not made what is on your minds known with certainty to her. She doesn�t sound like she�s trying to be cruel - remember � this may not be about you at all�it may very well be about her possibly having low self esteem. Remember � she may have many women friends/relatives her own age that are putting pressure on her to �conform� or fit in � because THEY may have all based THEIR self worth based on the fact that their children reproduced. What is needed are a few confident and brave parents of adult childfree children, like you and your husband, to speak freely and proudly about their children�s choices - like more and more childfree people have to do for themselves. Many of the parents of young children today that are hostile to childfree people, will most likely put their own children through the wringer, if they try to make their own childfree choices in life. Hang in there � it�s your life - be happy. Hopefully your mother-in-law will view her own life that way, even without grandkids � she could be enjoying so much in the world that all us childfree people already appreciate!! Why would she want to baby-sit when you and she could do a weekly spa appointment???? If not - and she is adamant about having children in her life � there are many, many worthy volunteer opportunities that she could give her time to starting today��

It's funny...I've always thought I lived a rather charmed existence since my husband and I have never had any pressure from either set of parents to produce grandchildren. But then last night I was talking to my mother-in-law on the phone. We were making plans to get together and she mentioned that the hotel we're staying in has a pool and wouldn't my husband and I love to play in the pool with Jason (my husband's nephew). I thought it was an odd thing to say since my husband and I have avoided so much as making eye contact with this kid for the first four years of his existence. Then she asked whether we'd be coming down for Jason's birthday party (we never have before). I told her no - gangs of two or more children make me break out in hives. After I got off the phone I wondered if, after six years of marriage, she is finally getting around to feeling me out on the grandchildren issue - I've never tried to hide it but it's never come up before.

As for my family, my brother and his wife are about to have a baby....but my parents are still behaving themselves.

ChildfreeHappy - I will keep that line in mind re volunteering services. "Well if you like babies sooooo much then offer your services out as a babysitter. I'm sure there are hundreds of parents out there who would jump at the offer."

I think a lot of parents/people in general think "they'll change their minds", even if you have explained till you are blue in the face that you aren't having any.

When I was chatting to my mum about MIL on the phone, she was about to say "Sarah, in a few years" but I stopped her before she could go on. My mum probably still thinks "she'll change her mind" but she didn't give me any grief about it, she knows how stubborn I am!!

I just think, people in general cannot accept the notion that someone does not want children. They will stick to their beliefs no matter what you say. They'll be quietly thinking in their heads "she'll change her mind, it's different when it's your own." We've just got to ride it out and not cave in to pressure.

Sofie - I can imagine that they will be wondering, no matter what you've said in the past! Like Childfreehappy said in a previous post, she may be getting pressure from her friends as well.

It's a vicious circle isn't it? Really sucks.

A lady from my work was telling me that her friends daughter has just had her baby, and the pics are on the Internet. She was gushing about how beautiful the baby was and I saw the picture.

I felt nothing. No "ahhh", no "oh ok that's mildly cute". I just didn't feel anything apart from "yup, it's a baby". She then brought out a dress she'd bought as a present and all the girls in the office were saying "oh bless its so cute!!!". I just wasn't interested, and the funny thing was, I was well aware of a couple of my colleagues watching me to see my response. I've made it quite clear to most of them about my plans, which suffice to say, majority were horrified at. But I thought it amusing that I was the first one to be shown the pictures and the dress. Like they are trying to "convert" me.

I thought I had made it quite clear to my mother also that I am not intending to have children. However, just two days ago she and I were discussing a new emerald ring she bought. We always laugh and joke around about who (either my sister or myself)gets what jewelry when she dies. Kind of morbid, but funny to us. Anyway- she says to me, "Well you can only have the emerald if you promise to have a little girl to pass it down to, or you have to leave it to one of your neices." Nice Mom, that was SOOOOO subtle!!!

I have to say that I was really shocked when I read your post then Antikid. That's almost blackmail. I just hope she was joking. Gosh. I'm stunned.

I've come to the conclusion over the past few weeks that no matter how much you tell people you don't want kids they still believe that you will change your mind, no matter what you say.

I think the only way to really let people know you're not is to have a sterilisation and tell em. But then they will just think "she'll regret it". Ah well, we can all look forward to a lifetime of insults from "well-meaning" people.

Regarding the ring - what's to guarantee that any child, that this ring is passed down to, won't just sell it on Ebay someday?? Passing things just for the sake of grasping at some form of immortality is ridiculous. So many parents I know that gush about being "remembered" someday are floored when I ask them how many times in a day/month/year they even think about people that are two or more generations back from them...!?!?!?! Certainly close relatives that have passed are thought about often - but there are probably few others that are remembered with any frequency. No disrepect intended to anyone - but my point is very few people that pass on material things are remembered for them...spare those that are very wealthy (and can have their name put on a hospital wing!) or are really into the whole geneology thing - which I'm sure at least a few people use not to honor those that came before them - but to bolster their self-esteem or find some remote claim to "fame".

We have a friend in her late 90's who is in an assisted care facility. All her children pre-deceased her more than ten years ago. That's something to think about - these "things" may not take the path dreamed about by most parents..... Hang in there and buy your own ring!!! :-)

Thanks for your support ChildfreenHappy! My mother doesn't even realize how manipulative she can be. I have spent lots of time in therapy trying to figure it all out!!! You're right about buying my own stuff too. I have already indulged myself with diamond stud earrings...I'll have to put some thought into what is next!

Also- Gokudo- thanks for your support as well. I must say that I didn't fully realize the extent of her manipulation until you pointed it out to me. It made me realize that my mother and I will never have the kind of close relationship I envisioned throughout my life. Its ok because I doesn't mean I will cut her out of my life...it just means that there will always be a gap between us (believe me its not just the pressure to produce grandkids)

Also you should both know that my mother knows I am not having children. Comments like these are intended to bring on a massive guilt trip followed by compliance...NEVER gonna happen! I am working through it and I have often found that my mother needs to hear what I am saying multiple times before she gets "it." I suppose its time for another talk!

Thanks for your thanks!! It's nice to hear about other Childfree people's experiences!!!