BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Need A Break

Leigh,
I don't think you did the wrong thing by speaking about how you feel and the analogy about the dog. THese are your feelings and very well put.

Your heart wants to stay with him because he is all you know right now and, from what you have written is a good father. It is hard to move on.

If you both are willing to work on your marriage and allow each other to grow separately as well as together, you may come out of this with a brand new relationship that is stronger and healthier.

I still feel he needs to see a counselor because of what you have written.

You must remember that you need to be a person too, that you have feelings, and that you count.

Be strong for yourself and know that things will get better.

I think he is overloaded. He has quite a few jobs. He works as a manager at his job, works on computers, has online game servers, online teamspeak servers and is into real estate. He is so busy with work it's almost like having to make an appointment to go out together.

Leigh A

I went to his apartment after work to discuss things. He once again told me he doesn't want a divorce that he just needed some space to find himself. I explained that there was two things I wanted him to think about. One is if I gave him time till the end of September what does he really think it will accomplish. The second is if he didn't think anything was going to change in that time then we will need to move on and get a legal seperation. I told him we will discuss those two subject's on Saturday.

Tonight he came by the house for about 30 mins. I think he is making up reason's to come by. I don't know if he is getting bored or just lonely. In the last four days he has came by mulitple times. One time was to get his computer desk, next time was a chester drawer, two different times was for computer parts, once for computer wire, another was to get the tags off the extra vehicles, and today was a DVD player. Some days he has come by twice and some has been three times.

My female friends decided I needed a break so we are going out tonight.

Thanks,
Leigh A

I have been doing research online for books on mending relationships. I am wanting a book that I can read but one that he can also read. I'm not interested in a book for just women or just men but one for both of us to learn from. I feel he will at least put an effort in reading it. Any suggestions?

I know he is trying to figure things out. He has been reading about panic and anxiety attacks. He has ruled those out. I really think it is a type of depression. Friends and some family members (including our two oldest) thinks it is depression. They didn't come to this conclusion by what I said but by the way he is acting. I believe he thinks so also but is scared to admit it. Friends have told me men feel it is a sign of weakness if they are classified as having depression. Is this true? If so, how do I get him to seek professional help? I have read that a person that is depressed will not get over it on their own.

Thanks,
Leigh A

Hi Leigh A...
I am new to the boards and only wish you the best in your situation. The one thing I have noticed.. everything seems to be about 'him' and what 'he' needs or wants. I think you're doing the right thing in trying to concentrate on YOU. Decide what YOU need to be happy... how do YOU want to be treated... are YOU willing to wait it out when he decides what he wants. Whatever you do, I hope you get all the good things in life that you deserve! TAKE CARE!

Hi. The break he is taking is just for him. He is a kind man. He has been working since he was 16. At that time he helped his mom with her bills even though he didn't live with her. I remember when we first started seeing each other he helped buy her a car. I have two children from a previous marriage so when we married he had a ready made family. He treats my two as his very own. He is the type that will help friends move, pull over if he see's someone broke down, and fix anything he can for you. He always gives but never asks for anything in return. I think he is needing this time because he feels he has to do everything for everybody and never really takes the time for himself. I have never wanted for anything. He told me a few days ago he feels like he is property instead of a husband. Now that he has taken this break it has opened my eyes. I have always gotten my way on everything. I think I gave him the impression that what I say goes. I believe he deserves this time since I have took him for granted.

I have been doing more things with my girls. I am getting a better relationship with my son. I talk more with my children than I did before. So I have to say some good is coming out of this.

As for me I have been working on somethings. I use to get upset very easily and before you know it I would be yelling. I am learning to use my inside voice :c) at all times. In six weeks I yelled only one time. My son decided three of his friends (a boy and two girls) was going to stay the night in our camper. I wouldn't allow it and he got mad. I have lost some weight. I think it is more our of stress than anything. I have started taking some stress vitamins a few days ago. I'm thinking about starting a walking programs with the girls. I have also been reading about relationships.

I really do love my husband and I hope it isn't too late for us. I have learned from this break that if it doesn't work it is going to hurt but I will survive.

Thanks for the post and I hope you are having a wonderful day.

Leigh A

Leigh, I am SO proud of the changes that you have been able to accomplish, both for your family and for yourself. It is truly amazing to use this time for introspection on YOUR behavior and interaction with your husband and children and realize some changes need to be made. <img src="/images/graemlins/rolling.gif" alt="" />

It is very obvious that you want your marriage to work and I am certain that your husband can sense the changes that you are making and very appreciative, supportive and loving of everything that you are doing. Continue to give him some space, love and support and before long I think your relationship will be stronger than ever! <img src="/images/graemlins/lovers.gif" alt="" />

Your husband sounds like a really wonderful man and you and your girls are very lucky to have him! He is very lucky to such a wonderful, loving family like ya'll, too! It is so important to always remember and be grateful for our treasures. Give thanks for family and not take them for granted. That is the best way to ensure life long happiness! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> We are on our way to 30 years, and it has truly been a learning experience.

Continued best wishes, keep up the good work and God bless and strengthen you and your husband and family! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Trish

Leigh,
I echo Babyquacker on this. I am proud of you and I think that this break may actually work. Remember though, you will both be different but that can be a good thing.

You grow in marriage, sometimes at the same time, sometimes not. Sometimes you have to be forced to grow by circumstances as you are doing.

This period of self reflection can be a positive one. Keep working on yourself and celebrate what you achieve.

Thanks Trish and Kristen. I'm really trying to give him the space. Every three days or so I get so frustrated. Then I will be okay for another few days. He says the time apart is helping but I often wonder how. Am I wrong to think it takes two to work this out? Shouldn't we be trying to do things together? He keeps saying it isn't me it's him. I know some of it has to be me or this wouldn't be happening. I have asked him to go out to dinner, movie, etc but he won't do it. He won't even go out with his friends so I don't push it. When we see each other we don't hug, no kisses on the cheek, etc. There's no affectionate contact at all. I just feel without any of that we are going to drift futher apart.

My 15 year old told me last night she doesn't want us to get a divorce but she is wanting him to make a decision. She believes he has had enough time to make a choice. Remember he started this back in March. We haven't been living together in six weeks. I told her right now he most likely thinks he doesn't have to make a choice till the end of September or beginning of October. That is when somebody is suppose to be renting the apartment he is staying in. I am taking it day by day but I am not sure if I can wait that long for him to decide. I'm trying not to make my rush decision before then but each day it gets harder.

One thing I have decided to do is write him a letter letting him know how much we appreciate him. I get the feeling he believes we don't appreciate the things he has done in our life.

Have to go pick the girls up from school. Hope everybody is having a great day.

Leigh A

Leigh,
Reading your last post, I get the feeling that there is more here than meets the eye. Something is not right. No kiss on the cheek? Acquaintances kiss on the cheek!

I have gone to some of my 'experts' on this one, namely my husband, father, and step-brother,all professional men with good insight into problems, for a man's point of view. All three of them agree that it seems as if he wants a permanent break, that he wants out of married life.

As for my opinion, I have stated that I think you will change dramatically and that he needs counseling with or without you.He is being manipulative by not letting you know what is going to happen.

He is controlling the situation right now because he has you in a "holding pattern" waiting for his decision on your marriage and your life. I would not be able to deal with uncertainty and I would push the envelope, so to speak.

My suggestion is that you take some legal action, e.g., file for a legal separation. This gives you some rights financially for your children and possibly yourself.

Reality is that you cannot go on like this. You must act in some way. Please don't let precious time pass while he plays the "waiting game." It isn't fair to you.

As for your children, they'll survive a separation or divorce. Very few children want their parents divorced.Children grow up and if you've lived your life for them and what they want, you will have nothing left for yourself!

From March to now is way too much time to be living in limbo.Do something positive!