BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Need A Break

Today my husband told me he needed a break from me and the kids. We have been together for 18 years. We have two daughters ages 11 and 15. He has decided the best thing for him to do is move out for a while. He didn't say when nor did he give an amount of time of how long this break should be. He said the kids are getting on his nerves and we aren't compatable anymore. I'm confused on what to think or do. How do I explain this to the children? How after 18 years do you all of a sudden think you aren't compatable? I am wondering if this is his way of asking for a divorce but don't want to actually say it till he leaves. I don't have anybody I could actually talk to. All my friends are mainly from work. I can't talk to them since he works at the same place I do. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Leigh A

It seems as if he has decided that he wants to stop being a parent or husband. How old is he? Has your marriage been mostly happy or unhappy? Is he feeling like life is passing him by?
People do crazy things when their kids are in their teens. It is almost as if they want to be as "free" as they deem their children are.
One last thing: do you think there is soemone else? These are hard questions but they have to be answered.
My good thoughts are with you.You'll find good advice in this forum

Ah, I am so sorry. You have a right to get mad you know. This is utterly unfair of him. These are his children, too, and to say they are "getting on his nerves" so he's going to move out is just chicken and bailing.

Of course teenagers get on your nerves! They have fifty thousand new hormones running through their bodies. They are slightly insane. <img src="/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

First and foremost, protect yourslef and your children. See an attorney. When your husband moves out, change all the locks, separate bank accounts, and do not let him have access to your money. Make sure there is some kind of an agreement in writing that he will support his children.

Midlife crisis or no, he has responsibilities, and needs to live up to them.

I never want to see a marriage end. I'm not telling you to file for divorce immediatly, but you do need some hard advice to protect yourslef, because this is going to be a very hard time emotionally.

if you can get him to a counselor- then do it, take the whole family in fact. The kids are old enough that they are going to definitely be affected.

I don't normally sound this negative, but I just don't have much respect for a man that has given the kind of excuses that your husband has given you. It can be worked out, but the problems need to be uncovered first, and it does sound as if someone else is involved.

My prayers are with you, and come here to rant anytime.

He turned 40 this month. I had thought we had mainly a happy marriage over the years. Of course, we have had our ups and downs but have been able to work through them in the past.

He might think life is passing him by but he hasn't really said anything about it to me.

The kids are in the stage where they like to argue with each other. The oldest also thinks she is old enough to do as she please which has been a battle with us. She isn't a bad child and does well in school. Normally he spends alot of time with them taking them when he goes places, fishing, go-cart riding, four wheeler riding, mall, movies, etc. We also go out to eat every Tuesday night.

I realized today that I am the first to say "I love you", the one that touches his arm, gives a kiss, and the one that initiates sex. He use to do those things but it stopped long ago.

When he told me he needed a break that was the first question that popped in my mind. I really don't think he is seeing anybody at this time. I'm not saying it isn't his plan when he leaves I just don't think it has happened yet. Where we work there is 14 workers including the bosses. We work together in an open space so we see each other constantly. We do have a few new workers. They are younger and I feel he flirts with them. That has caused some insecurities with me. When we aren't together he is with the kids. I just can't see how he can be with someone else when he isn't alone long enough. I guess there could be a way but I haven't figured it out yet.

I really appreciate you advice Kristen.

Thanks,
Leigh A

Hi Bella. Thanks for your post. As I posted in the above post he usually enjoys being with his kids. He usually comes up with something to do with them. It's really going to hurt them since they are so use to spending so much time with him. Them getting on his nerves is really confusing to me. Actually all of this is confusing to me.

I will protect myself. When the time comes I will see a lawyer. Luckly there is one in the family that handle divorces. I haven't contacted him yet. I hate getting family involved till it's necessary.

I can understand it is going to be a hard time emotionally. He hasn't left yet and I feel like I am walking on needles. He hasn't talked a whole lot to me since earlier today but he kinda acts like he never said anything.

I have actually thought about trying to find a counselor. I have never been to one before but feel it couldn't hurt. Especially since the kids will be involved in this.

Thanks,
Leigh A

Leigh,
Marriage is the hardest relationship in the world because we have two adults in a situation where money, sex, love, and childcare all come together.

It is very cruel, what he has said to you. You have to think, would you be better off with or without him? Be honest with yourself.
Take it from me, stress can impact your health for a very long time so if he is going to "moody" and make your life very unpleasant, he must leave.

I wonder how he would feel if you said to him what he said to you?

Keep writing to us.

I talked to him again last night and found out a few details. I have two older children from a previous marriage. We don't really hear from them unless they need something. Sometimes those two or sweet as can be as some times they are really cruel if they don't get their way. So it's a combination of all the kids and me. He said for years it's been so much bickering in the family he can't take it anymore. It's to the point if any of us calls him on the phone or say we need to talk he feels like his insides are knotting up.

He told me he doesn't really want to go but he just has to get away for awhile. He buys homes and rents them out. He told me that he was in the process of trying to buy a trailer. He is thinking about staying in it while he fixes it up.

I told him people don't run off without trying to work things out. I told him he shouldn't leave things bottled up and should of told me long ago. In his way he feels he has been letting us know. I had no idea. If there was signs I missed them. I tried to tell him we should get together with all the kids and have a talk. He is willing to go with the kids and me to a counselor.

Regardless of anything I said he is still wanting to leave. He told me he couldn't see any other way that he needs some peace and quiet. He told me he just wants some time. He said he couldn't give a time limit but he thought 30 days.

He has never mentally or physically abused me. He is a calm person and doesn't like to yell. He is the type that usually talks things out with people. He spends alot of time with the kids and me. He doesn't really have alot of friends because he doesn't go to the bars, etc. He normally has one drink a few times a week but said he has been drinking more to calm his nerves. Is he lashing out since he must of been letting things bottle up inside. Should I give him this time away without batting an eye or should I call it quits?

Your advice is so helpful. I think I would be going crazy without somebody to talk to.

Thanks,
Leigh

Im just throwing an opinion out there I am
a 25 yr old mom of 3 and I have convienced my self that I am more of a so-called man than most men including my husband and I need a break all the time but the mom in me says that giving up is too easy and that if my children are going to have stability then it has to be me so assume the worst and go on w/o him because if some one with as little time at this as I have had in married life it has tought me one thing men are kids also and it is our job to raise them to so if thats what he thinks then let him go he really isnt there any way

I am very encouraged by the fact that he is willing to go to counseling!

If he is a very quiet man, and is used to bottling things up, then maybe he is telling the truth. It may be easier for him to withdraw from the situation than deal with it. i know dealing with my clinical depression I get this way - and he sounds very similar.

I still feel as an adult and father he needs to make the concious decision to stay, though. But going to counseling is a first step. And if it keeps him from having a nervous breakdown or bolting completely; then moving out might not be a totally bad thing after all.

Good Luck!

I talked to a counselor today that I know. She isn't a marriage counselor. She counsels children. This lady told me if he was determine to have some time away then let him take it. She told me to tell him that even though I don't want him to go that I love him enough to give him some time to himself. She said if I didn't give him some space or tried to stop him he would feel threatened and leave without trying to work things out at all.

She also feels he is under alot of stress most likely not just at home but at work too. He has been working more than usual since one of the other managers has been sick. I just found out the other manager will probably be gone for another week or two which means he will not be getting any days off. He works this job, has a server hosting company and buys/rent real estate.

She said the fact that he is willing to see a couselor means he still cares. I will be calling around Monday to find one.

Does this seem logical to you?

Thanks,
Leigh