BellaOnline Forums Family Adoption Need help dealing with giving my boys up

I have tried to see why I have not received any more pictures of my boys, and still I have no idea why I nolonger get them. I have to keep asking my ex-husbands mother to contact them, and she always says she forgot. Which is ok she keeps me updated as to how they are, and I take comfort in knowing that even though I can't see them someone whom I trust can and tells me things she think will help me. I know that I will get more pictures again just don't know when.
As for me telling them feelings I have towards the fathers I would say anything ill about them to the boys if and when I meet them. No matter how I feel about them I don't think it is my place to make them feel the same as me, it up to them how they want to feel. I am sorry if I put what I was trying to say.

When I first gave up my boys the older of the two, his parents gave me a letter and it they said to me. "We are very happy to have the opportunity and privilege of adopting a child. We are thankful and promise to always love and care for this child. We know it took a great love for a child for a parent to allow the child to be given for adoption. We respect and thank you for this opportunity, privilege, and gift of love from your heart. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts." They also told me about there life and gave a picture of them. I keep these along with everything that has do with the adoptions of my boys. It helps me in a way, I can go back and look at these when I am feeling real bad, and know that my choice not only helped my boys but these to sisters and thier husbands who could have kids have to healthy wonderfull boys. Even though I have a hard time with it mostly on the birthdays and when my 2 year old does things that remind me of my oldest boy. I know that with time I will learn to deal with this much better and that this here has me alot, hearing from others who had been given up for adoption and hearing what you have to say helps me even more then any one could ever know. Just knowing that you were able to forgive your birth mothers and seek to know who she was is giving me hope that my boys will to want to know who I am.


Thank You all so much again.

i lost my two boys through miscarriage so i know about feeling empty it does improve with time.writing things down does help i had a journal for me to put everything in i was feeling which is fine as you are going through a grieving process. why dont you write ltters to your boys tell them how much you love them and think of them and what the weather is like what you did today anything that tells them about you and save them so when they come to find you they have your love for all the years they missed!
maybe you should get involved with your local youth group or school or somewhere children need you this will help i am a youth leader now at my church its helped me no end
most of all dont be so hard on yourself you are a good mum at least you cared enough to do what was right for your boys many out there dont give a toss

im also a pray guardian now for two cambodian orphans who have no one the charity is called warm blankets
they have 65 orphanages and are desparate for people like you and me to pray for a child!

go to www.prayforanorphan.org
www.warmblankets.org

you just fill in your details and they send you an email with the details of your child!

take one day at a time and be good to you!!

big hugs

alicat <img src="/images/graemlins/angel.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/images/graemlins/angel.gif" alt="" />

im sorry for you...you only did what's best for them. i hope the would seek for their real mother upon turning 18 and i pray thet they would both understand the reason you gave them away. put everything on God's hand. pray.

HI missmyboys

I know you might not check this any more, but I know what your going through.

My daughters where 3 and 6 when their dad took custody of them and moved to Hawaii. I didn't see them for 8 years. I still suffer guilt about it. I would pray for them and buy little cards and gifts for them even though I didn't have them and wasn't allowed to see them.

To make a long story short, I have a relationship with them now that they are grown (22 and 20 this summer). Last night my oldest daughter told me that she understand that I had to do what I tought was best for them. That even though she didn't understand when she was little and her dad told them that I abandoned them, she now knows that letting him take them there and raise them there with their grandparents close and their dad a constant in their lives was the best thing I could have done next to choosing to give birth to them. She called me her hero. I was a blubbering cry baby by the time she was done. I'm not sure that I will ever not feel guilty or sad about missing out on their childhood, but at least adulthood is so much longer... and they are more like my best firends now than anything else...

This summer my oldest daughter is going to come and spend a month with me before she moves permanently to Seattle. These young women and their brother are the beat of my heart. They are the oxygen in my lungs and the electrical impluses in my brain. I love them more than my own life and i would give my own life to make theirs easier and better and more wonderful every day. I know you would too, becasue you did... I'm proud of you. Your sadness may not ever fully subside, but you need to put your sons in Gods hands. He can hold them for you.

Wow that was a touching story....It made me get tears in my eyes.

I'm not posting this to be mean...

But maybe it'd be best for your boys if you severed all contact with them completely, for good. I'm sorry to have to say this so harshly, but looking at the things you've said about yourself [2 kids by 2 different men, both men being irresponsible, still having more kids with different fathers..], can you honestly say that you think they'll be missing out on much by not having you in their lives? Sometimes the very best thing a person can do [for everyone involved] is just to cut all ties.

Your 1st son was what, 6 months old when you were pregnant with the 2nd by an abusive drug-addict boyfriend? You took the one child you already had into a terrible situation, and then [by not using birth control and / or other methods of pregnancy prevention, even though you knew your BF was a drug addict] chose to add a 2nd child into it. Look, I'm not against comforting a person in their time of need, but sometimes you also need to tell the truth. You've made some really bad choices -- and they aren't choices that have just affected you. You weren't being a "good mother": you were being a selfish, irresponsible woman who gave birth to 2 children, who FINALLY made a decent decision that was actually in their best interest by giving them up.

What good will it do them in the future to be introduced to all of your problems? Really think things through. Maybe you'll see that you've already done the best thing you could do for them as a mother by giving them up to people who can give them a good life -- why not leave it at that? There's a good chance that knowing you could do them more harm than good...

I really didn't write this to be mean. I'm just hoping that it'll make you take a good, objective look at the situation so you can make a decision based on what's truly best for those boys -- not for yourself. That's what makes the difference between a woman-who-gave-birth and a mother.

Give yourself some time. As difficult as it will be, you need to try to put some distance between yourself & this situation so you can look at it clearly. Focus on making yourself stronger & getting your life in order. Concentrate on being a good mother to the child you have with you now.

It's now the end of July, and I see this thread went on for a while. Just wondering how "Miss my boys" is doing.
Adopted Mom

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