BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Losing a friend to her baby????

Hi,

I found out in the past week that my very best friend is trying to have a baby and one of my really good friends is already pregnant.

Might I point out that I am an only child, so my best friend TRUELY IS my best friend EVER. I have no idea how to cope with this news. I live 8 hours from her so I only see her about twice a year. Those two visits are when we do our "catching up." Now she'll have the baby with her and talk about it the whole time.

Then there is my really good friend that is already pregnant. She told me in person and I was totally shocked. My mouth just sort of hung open for a second or two. I was thinking, "what possessed you to go and do that?!?!!" So, she too lives 8 hours away and I only see her approx twice a year. Again -- how in the world am I to deal with this??

I am sooo uncomfortable around babies and kids that it makes me want to stop visiting these two friends. Plus, if you add the fact that I have no interest in baby things or kids things, it will make for very boring conversation.

How do I manage to keep these friends (especially my best friend) without feeling completely uncomfortable and out of place with I spend time with them?

Thanks for reading and thanks for any input.

On a lighter side -- I'm getting a dog soon!! The best kind of kid! <img src="/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

hi and welcome! when i was reading your post i found a little of myself in them. i am also an only child and i totally understand how your friends truly feel like part of your family.i feel the same way about my friends. about 3 years ago my best friend became pregnant and like you i almost had a heart attack.i knew she was trying but to actually hear it threw me for a loop. it was ironic b/c it was during that time that i realize %100 that i didn't want kids. anyway,it was quite difficult for me to deal with but i got through it and fortunately her and i are still best friends.however, that is not to say that our relationship has changed b./c it has.i don't talk to her or hang out with her as often as before but i know that she's there for me and i'm there for her as well. one of the things that helped me cope was to start trying to make other friends with people who don't have kids (or whose kids are older and actually can go out and do stuff). it was hard but i'm made a few good friends that i hang out with more.
you don't have to necessarily lose your friendships and if both people work hard on it then it doesn't have to happen. however, unfortunately,it will change and if you accept that then i think it might make things easier.hopefully also they will respect your decision to be cf and perhaps b/c of that not bore you too much with baby talk. also maybe you can steer the conversation when need be to other things. as for the visiting, i know what you mean. i like seeing my friend's child but after a few hours that's it for me. maybe somehow when you visit you could go somewhere with your friend without her child if you plan enough in advance. just some thoughts.i know it's a very tough time for you and believe me you're not alone.i went through it and as more of my friends become parents i know i'll continue to have to deawl with it. luckily, like i said i have found a few cf friends to hang out with more. hope i've been at least a little bit helpful!
hang in there!
indigo

friendship means more than just getting your needs met. I understand not being interested in the baby stuff, but you may be the only 'anchor' in your friends' lives to the parts of themselves from before babies. They are the same people--but they will make necessary changes and add new dimensions. You have a choice to love them and be with them thru their changes or not. That is up to you. You have to figure out if you just want soemthing from them or if you want something for them. If your friends are happy, it should make you feel happy for them. Best Friends and Very Good Friends do not usually go astray because of growing up and having families of their own. I know some of us have lost friends because of the child issue---but Best Friends are different animals.
Seems to me that if you only get to see them twice a year you could put up with baby-talk twice a year for the sake of old friendships. Maybe more visits could be arranged to give you more time to talk and catch up with things other than babies.
The reason people with children get so nasty with us CFers sometimes is because in their own unbalanced view they see our unbalanced view. A balanced person would not be confrontational--sometimes we all do that because we have been invalidated in our lives. Can you learn to meet in the middle with your friends? Have you discussed it with them? Tell them your concerns.

I would say keep them as friends. When a friend has a baby she does talk a lot about the whole "baby" experience at the start, but thats because she is in a whole new phase of her life. It's just like when someone gets a new career almost. Just because someone has a different career then you would you chose not to be their friend?

She can chat about her life and you can chat about yours. I am CF and have a lot of friends with children, and even though they do discuss their children (Just as I discuss my career) we also still have the same things in common as we did before too. These people didnt become mindless baby clones just because they wanted to have kids, my friends still have that part of them that made me want to be their friend in the first place. They just picked out a different Career path being a stay at home mom and me a archeologist.

Hehe, You sound like my best friend! She was so worried when I had my son because she doesn't know anything about babies and kids. I first introduced my son when he was about 2 months old. We met at a pizza place near her school and she offered to feed him a peice of pizza...

If your worried about being uncomfortable around the baby try taking your friend for a night out. All moms need them! It works for us and I think we have even more fun now then before because we both know that after the nights fun is over it will be awhile before the next time.

Good luck!

Just remember 2 month olds can't eat pizza.

I have had countless friends, sisters, and sisters-in-laws get pregnant in the past few years and start having kids. In my experience, you can still stay friends, but don't expect the friendship to be the same. Your new-mom friends will absolutely change (no matter what they say), and so will your relationship.

My advice: Try to stay friends, knowing it will mean a little more work and a little more patience from your end. But ultimately, you will be doing yourself the best favor if you make a conscious effort to seek out new friends without kids. It's sad, but it's true.

There will be those times where your friend will need a nite out away from husband and baby. Take her to the movies, out to eat, introduce her to your dog! You can still be great friends. Just on a different playing field...

Tina

Thank all of you for your input. You've made me think about this in a new light. I realize now that things won't be as awkward as I imagine even though it will be different. And I guess I expected my friends to be offended if I wanted to take them for a night out away from their kids. I know that normally a mother would LOVE that, but since I only see them a few times a year, I thought they would expect me to want to spend time with their kids too. But maybe I'm way off base on that one. I've never been a mom so how would I know <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But that brings me to another thing -- when you want to take your friend out for a night away from their children, how do you ask them to hang out with you without their children? I know I could choose a place that isn't child friendly but what if the chosen place is child friendly?

Just use "girls night out" kinda phrasing when you talk to her about getting together. One of my very best friends has two kids and it's really never been an issue. When we make plans it's "assumed" that it's just for the two of us. Now if I go over to her place, of course the kids are there, but she seldom brings them to my place. It is hard dealing with how little free time (ie time for ME) she has now, but we are working it out. It has been an issue in the past but we mean enough to each other to keep making the effort. Your relationship with your friend WILL change, but it doesn't have to end.

Unfortunately it's been my experience with all of my friends who have had kids, that they turn into someone who I don't even know if I want to be friends with anymore. All they did was talk about the kids. That was the complete limit of their conversation. Like once the kid was born, their brain was replaced with a giant placenta. And it never changed. So I'm down to 2 good friends now who are as staunch on their CF position as I am.