BellaOnline Forums Food and Wine Beer & Brewing Just for Laughs

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a tripel belgian ale.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another tripel. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he'd had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you. What's with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer's picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough."

There are two fish in a tank - one says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this?"

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Translating corporate slogans is a delicate art. Upon translation into Spanish, the Coors slogan, "Get loose with Coors" became "Get the runs with Coors." They decided to go with another slogan.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

Some of the guys got together have a few beers and to play poker one Saturday night. After about four hours of playing, Jim had severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over. One of the gamblers, who happened to be a doctor, examined him. To everyone's surprise and shock, poor Jim had died of a heart attack.

None of his friends knew just how to break the sad news to Jim's wife. Finally Eddie said, "I think that I can be diplomatic about it, and break the news to her gently."

Eddie rang the bell at Jim's house. When Jim's wife answered the door, Eddie calmly said to her, "Jim just gambled with us and lost $1,000."

When Jim's wife heard this she said, "Just tell Jim to just drop dead!" Eddie replied, "That's exactly what he did."

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

One fall day Tom was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Tom went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. �My wife,� the man replied.

�I'm sorry,� said Tom, �what happened to her?�

�My dog bit her and she died.� Tom then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, �My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.�

Tom thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, �Can I borrow your dog?�

To which the man replied, �Get in line.�

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six-pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach standing there. This time he was knee'd in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then he left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug beat the bjeezes out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor. The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" answered the doctor. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

Signs you need a New Doctor:
- He calls you at two in the morning "just to talk."
- Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
- He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant."
- He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Long Island.
- He keeps accidentally referring to your legs as "drumsticks."
- His examination room is Room 201 at the No-Tell Motel.
- He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, "Doctor Jim Beam."
- Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to go."
- He tries to color your X-rays with crayons.

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel.

The new bride is concerned and asked, "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "Hmm... Good point. I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug . . . "AHA!" he shouts!

Sure enough, under the rug was a small disc shaped plate, with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the plate out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

Curious, the groom says, "And why, sir, are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER yours complained of the chandelier falling on them!"