BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting the new step-kids are unkind & often nasty

I'm a female who has recently partnered with a guy who, for the last 4 years, has had full custody of a girl 10 & boy 12. They see their mother once a year (her choice).

The last girlfriend, who had her own children as well, after 18 months quit the relationship as these 2 kids gave her such a hard time, according to my partner.

For me, even after a few months, they are still constantly saying mean things to me or about me.

Do I just laugh at them when they say these mean things? I have tried that & it makes them worse.

So, how do I respond (if at all) to things like:

"why are you over here?"
"we don't want you to spend time with us"
"We hate you"
"Get out of our lives"
"When dad gets his NEXT girlfriend", etc ?

Should we all go to a family counsillor ?
Should my partner discuss these issues with his kids on his own ?
We've tried round-table discussions, however they don't seem to be achieving much.

I have no children, however all my nieces & nephews & friends children get on with me really well.

Any suggestions?

Hello Albatross and welcome to BellaOnline, it seem like your having a very hard time and I understand how you feel.
I would first ask you a question in regard to your boyfriends kid's, if his disciplining them when they say negative things to you and it seem like this is a normal thing for them to do when their dad have a new girlfriend in his life.

It sounds like the anger they have may be with their mother.

You wrote:
They see their mother once a year (her choice).


You wrote:
"why are you over here?"
"we don't want you to spend time with us"
"We hate you"
"Get out of our lives"
"When dad gets his NEXT girlfriend", etc ?

key one "we don't want you to spend time with us"

This sounds like a lot of anger towards their mother she only spend time with her kid's at her choice and it have nothing to do with you, but because your the new mother in their life they may fear you will do the same thing their mother is doing to them.

I would say you and your boyfriend should sit down and ask the kid's if they are very upset with their mother and are they fearing you may do the same thing, the kids are building a wall to save them self from getting hurt again, by being mean and saying hurting things to end any relationship their father may have.
Their father needs to touch this subject to see if this could be the case and the reason why they are saying hurting things.

Family counseling may be the answer after finding out if this the case, there is a healing process that needs to take place for the kid's.

This will help you also step-parent's web

I'm certainly no expert, but I was the child of divorced parents myself.

My thought is that, first of all, dad needs to deal with the kids on this. He needs to put his foot down about house rules - that no one is allowed to talk to anyone else in the house in a rude manner like that, regardless of their feelings.

Second, I agree that he should encourage them to vent their feelings - but to him or to a counselor, and in a constructive manner (which they'll probably need to learn how to do).

As kids grow up, they can seem "mean" a lot - especially to other kids, and sometimes to adults. I think it's a part of growing up and trying to establish independence. However, I still contend that the dad needs to demand that they not treat you - or anyone else - that way. Then, they need to learn alternative ways to vent their feelings.

I'm sure the problem is not with you - you're just unfortunate enough to be in this difficult situation. I hope you feel you can talk to your boyfriend about this, and I hope he is understanding to your needs and does the right thing.

In the long run, I suspect the kids will "come around" and recognize how important you are to them. But unfortunately, that's probably years away.

Good luck - I'm sure everything will work out in the long run. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

ChrisF,thank you for your response and I agree with your point of view.

I do feel that if you touch the source of the problem with the kid's this issue will be solved.

Thanks so much for such constructive input - I'm new at all this - great web site, too.

In the long run, I suspect the kids will come around and recognize how important you are to them. But unfortunately, that's probably years away.

Good luck - I'm sure everything will work out in the long run. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> [/QB][/QUOTE]
Thanks so much ! I'd rather get an idea of how long this might take - helps me with my own realistic expectations.

My sister (mother of 2 teenagers) said to ignore as much as you can, but not to put-up with behaviour that you find unacceptable. I have a supportive partner & at least we can have open discussions on how to deal with this.

Tamla,
I agree with your post, too. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I hope our two posts combined help to flesh out the situation.

Albatross,
As far as how long it will take them to come around . . . . jeez, that's a tough one! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> If you can find a good counselor for yourself who is experienced with this exact kind of thing, she can probably give you some ideas about that.

I know it's frustrating, but there's only so much you can do. I think I would try the "ignoring" thing myself - although an experienced counselor would know better whether that's actually the right thing to do.

In the meantime definitely put a little pressure on your partner to become more involved in this, especially since you have a good relationship. The important thing, I think, is that you stop receiving verbal abuse in your own home, even if it is just from kids - it creates too much stress, and its not fair to you.

Hi. I can really relate to this issue. I have three very demanding kids and a live-in boyfriend. He constantly complains that they do not listen to him (when he tells them to clear the table, get ready for bed, etc.) and they tell me often that they do not like him.

They *do* like him, however. They love to gather around his computer and to play games with him. My little girls tickle him and laugh at his antics. When he and I argue, the girls beg me to be nice and not break up with him.

But being in the middle of this can put a lot of pressure on me. I have some problems getting them to listen to *me* and when I admonish them for treating him badly, they can get pretty nasty about him not being their father (who is very involved with them), not being part of the family, etc. Then after we have a grueling day with the kids, he will criticize my discipline skills, which I am just learning myself, and go on and on about how I need to be harder on them.

Sigh, I just wanted to present the point of view of the person trying to deal with both an SO and the kids. It can be rewarding occasionally, but most of the time, you just can't completely please anyone when these issues come up.

Don't take this to mean that I am completely without patience on this topic. I would LOVE to work on it!

--Handywoman

That's a wonderful point! Maybe some counseling that involves each person individually, and also everyone together would be helpful. I doubt it would have to go on for very long, maybe just some initial visits to get advice, so that both partners can see where the other one's coming from, and so they can develop a plan together.

It's just so complicated . . . . The question of how to discipline kids properly raises a whole other challenge. I'm not a parent currently, but if I was, I'd have no idea how to do it!

I hope a counselor stumbles into this topic soon, so we can get some good advice! <img src="/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

:music:
Thanks Handywomen, I understand your point of view on discipline, this is normally a touchy area when it comes to two parents, me and my husband are dealing with that issue about my stepson who is 9 years old.

Albatross, I'm happy me and ChrisF can be great help for you, setting a time on when this abuse from the kid's is uncertain because this is something their father needs to speak with the kid's about. my concern would be is this something the kid's do each time their father gets into a relationship and how do father deal with this issue.