BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting the new step-kids are unkind & often nasty

Thanks handywoman, for your view from the other side. Very helpful.

I'm sure it's just as hard for both you & my boyfriend as the bioparents wanting to retain your own relationship with your child/children yet also to maintain & grow a happy "new sepfamily".

One valuable suggestion came from my boyfriend's mother - she said, when they do or say something mean or unkind, to say "I do care about you, however I do not LIKE what you are doing/saying". I try to remind myself to use that. Like all humans, I forget to do it as many times as I remember to!

I've been doing a lot of reading on how the "house/stepfamily rules of behaviour" should be set by both adults, explained clearly then to the children, the consequences of breaking the rules explained clearly, then those rules not backed-down-on by either of the adults & if the rules are broken that any discipline be enforced/administered by the bio-parent rather than the stepparent. Seems OK in theory, provided the bioparent does not give-in. This seems to me to be a very hard thing for most bioparents to do & hard for them to understand the importance of, when it comes to the adults ruling, not the kids overruling the stepparent on lots of things, &/or playing the bioparent with a guilt trip. I should not be critical, as I don't have children so I don't understand the emotional links between parents & their children either. Actually I really feel like saying "who cares?" however I am concerned that these behavioural things will get worse if they aren't dealt with... and I must admit I have realized now that I come from a family with different values (which are neither right or wrong, by the way) - all of my siblings' children are polite and behave very differently.

I'm hoping we 2 adults can set some rules about "mutual respect, respect of each other's time, no nasty behaviour or unkind words" next weekend. My resolve for this is far greater after two things - one great & one not too good:

1. I was absolutely delighted the girl actually bought me a ticket to her school play next week (there was no group family ticket option & she had to ask for the number of people's tickets & she requested 3... her Dad, her brother & me being #3) How wonderful !!! I was thrilled ! 1 step forward !

2. Then, when I was speaking to Dad on the phone this morning (we don't live together), there were loud interrupting questions by the daughter to her Dad & complaints, like:
"Dad on why does "SHE" have to be on the phone to you?"
"You've been talking to each other for ages"
"Why do you need to keep talking to her ?
Can't you hang-up" etc.
He did cut our conversation short, which is giving-in to the child, rather than telling them it is our time when we are speaking to each other which has to be respected.
A similar thing happened during our previous phone conversation... he ended the call & then rang back when the kids were out at a movie, rather than continue our conversation at the time.
2 or 4 steps back (& with no adult back-up) !!!

I certainly can see the bioparent's view - especially when it's easier to just give in & not deal with a tantrum or sulking child.

So - not easy, is it ?

Yes - I agree it appears that way, which is why I am asking you all in this forum about how to deal with it. My partner has said he will look at us doing something about it - however he was not very happy when I said he had to be the one responsible for taking the hard line with his kids if they do continue with it - perhaps it is a misunderstanding, as he is probably still trying to learn how to stop all this as well.

I shall let you know how it goes next weekend. I am spending a 4 day weekend with them all.

:music:
Albatross, thank you for your response.
It would be a hard issue to handle if your spouse is not willing to understand how to deal with this matter, I could say to you to ignore it but this would not be a correct way of dealing with it, you can voice your opinion to the kid's in a motherly way and tell them how you feel about their statements they make towards you but I'm sure they truly understand this must be hurting to you.
I still feel their anger they may have could be one towards their mother because she only see them once a year on her time, or this could be away of them having their father all to them self.
But their father need to handle this matter.

Your words: however he was not very happy when I said he had to be the one responsible for taking the hard line with his kids if they do continue with it.

If he is not going to try to handle this issue and your system of ignoring the issue becomes more harder to deal with, how will the kid's understand this is not something you say to adult.