Are you finding it hard to discipline your child if your the stepparent, sometime this may be hard because your dealing with the ex-spouse of the child, the ex may become angry about you disciplining their child.
Have you had problems with this and what way have you dealt with disciplining in your home.
11) Stepparents can feel left out, unimportant, and hurt if not invited to participate in, or not supported by their partner in, child-care efforts. Conversely, stepkids can resent their bioparent's authorizing their stepparent to set limits and enforce consequences for them. This is specially likely where (a) one or more stepfamily members hasn't grieved their major family-adjustment losses (broken bonds) well enough, and/or (b) a stepchild hasn't finished "testing" well enough.
We're half done reviewing 21 ways typical stepfamily child-discipline is environmentally different than in intact biofamilies. How are you doing with all these? Were you aware of all these factors? Here are 10 more...
12) Bioparents trying to please their kids and new mate can send confusing, stressful double messages like "I want you to share in disciplining my kids" and "I don't like what you're doing, or how you're doing it." This is usually a sign of significant false-self wounds. See Projects 1 and 2.
13) Stepkids over three or four are likely to resent and/or resist discipline by new adults at first, regardless of how "fair" or justified. This can be specially tough in homes where (a) a stepparent is caring full time for their partner's child/ren, and/or (b) where the stepparent is insecure and gets hooked into lose-lose power struggles with a stepchild. It's normal for minor kids in any new environment to test prevailing rules: "Will they be enforced? By whom? How? How much power do I have here?"
14) Because new-stepfamily adults' child-discipline values, rules, and styles usually differ, significant values conflicts are almost inevitable - e.g. "You're unrealistic and overstrict about Nicole's homework!" "No way! You're too soft - look at her grades." Typical kids are quick to sense this and use such conflicts to their own advantage, adding to the uproar. And...
15) Even if co-parents feel OK about the balance of stepfamily child-discipline responsibility, stepkids and stepsibs will often bitterly claim that one or more co-parents "aren't fair." This is true in any family, but it often feels more confusing and stressful in typical stepfamilies. That's often because co-parents (specially stepparents) aren't yet clear enough on what their jobs (roles) are and/or how to do them "right." And also...
16) In some re/marriages, older stepchildren can be close to the age of their stepparent. This can cause awkwardness and role confusion about parental guidance and household rule-making and enforcing. Reducing these and requires adults' true Selves in charge + realistic stepfamily expectations + effective communications + clear, realistic stepparent job-descriptions.
The last five differences between stepfamily and intact-biofamily child discipline are...
17) Even if remarrying adults and their step/children reach acceptable compromises on child discipline, bio-grandparents can misunderstand / resent / disagree with / be fearful of the way the new adult "is raising our grandchild." This is likely to be communicated no matter how sincerely the grandparents wish to let their child run her/his own life.
When true, this puts their adult son or daughter in the middle of a complex loyalty conflict. This can be specially difficult if the grandparents are close with their former son or daughter-in-law, who will always be their grandkids' "other parent." Similar values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles can arise with aunts, uncles, and cousins, too.
18) If stepfamily child-discipline harmony is achieved over time and then the other bioparent (or a grandparent) remarries, discipline rules and consequences may have to be renegotiated again. This is in the context of your adults and kids merging 16 catagories of things among all your extended biofamilies, over many years.
19) When one bioparent is dead, children can frustrate a new stepparent by making comparisons like "My real Mom/Dad was never so mean about... (homework, curfew, eating habits, language, church, etc.)" The stepparent can feel frustrated and victimized, being up against a "saint" or "ghost" with whom s/he can never "compete."
20) Counselors, therapists, and friends who don't know stepfamily realities may advise re/marrying co-parents to discipline children as in an intact biofamily. Such well-meant advice can increase re/marital and family stress.
21) Because of the common half-truth that "stepfamilies are pretty much like biofamilies," the 20 differences summarized above can initially take all members of a new stepfamily by surprise - causing household confusion, doubt, frustration, and tensions.
