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I think one thing that may be helpful is to mark the m/c in some way that is meaningful to the mother and partner. I am experiencing my first m/c after thinking for years (15+) that I couldn't get pregnant. I am devastated to say the least. My boyfriend and I are planning a "good-bye" ceremony to tell this baby (all four weeks of it) how loved it is and how excited we were to discover it was on its way and to mark the loss of it. I can't imagine being able to move forward without doing this.

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I think the TERMONOLOGY needs a radical change.
Miscarriage is a medical term. It is used interchangably with abortion by medical staff, nursing staff, and text books in training.
Pregnancy to a woman is about expecting a baby even from day one, and even if one psychologically or biologically understands the process of fetel development the loss is intertwined with a more intense and LONG TERM sense of loss. Because of this it appears to me to be more than the normal bereavement process.
The medical and nursing faternity need to be targeted into recognising this fact. Although they have reference to it in training it tends to get lost in the day to day acute care giving environments.
There are only a few good quality iniatives in the UK. EG One where all women who have miscarried are invited to a weekly therapy group facillitated by psychology and mental health professionals.
This may still only touch the surface for the women concerned, and even if societal views change the fundomental sense of loss will still exist in the mother's heart and soul forever.

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No words can describe these feelings. To lose your baby(no matter how small) is to lose a peice of your heart. This is the second time for me. 1 loss, 1 healthy, 1 loss. There are so many feelings and thoughts.

Doctors and medical staff- some are very good- some are not.
This issue is first and foremost an emotional one. There is so much emphasis on explaining all the proceedure etc, the statistics on it, all the physical, which lets face it if you have been pregnant or have tried chances are you have read so much about everything you can find that to hear more about what, where and how these things happen can just about drive you insane.

The question we want answered is why. This is one that deep down you know there is no answer but you keep asking it over and over in your head. You blame everything else and yourself even though you know you shouldn't.

I was sent home to let my body "throw" the baby. I was told I would abort it naturally, while my 2 yr old daughter was with me. I was told it must not have meant to be. And you are lucky you have one. All these comments stick.

I have lived through loss with no other child and now loss with my daughter by my side. And they both hurt, in different but simular ways.
For me it is a loss of a person, created out of love. Our little person that had a place, that had a time set aside in our future, a foreseeable future that is just taken.

So what the world needs to know is, it is not a fetus or embryo or viable or gestation sac. It is your baby, and it is gone and the pain is real.

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I miscarried 4 weeks ago. It's hurtful to see the picture of the baby on this forum. This topic is about miscarriage, why would I want to see a picture of something I no longer have? I'm happy you finally got your baby, but I just think that was insensitive.

Getting the standard statistics, "well, it happens to lots of women" and "1 in 4 women miscarry" didn't make me feel any better. When I was sitting in the waiting room to have a D&C, there were more than 10 women in that room, so why was I the only one going through it? Sure there are lots of people who have went through this, but at the time, I didn't want to be the only one it was happening to. I wasn't totally alone, I had my husband, but he didn't really understand what I was feeling. He was hurt and disappointed, but his body wasn't going through it. Tom Petty said it best when he said "you don't know how it feels to be me". If you've never had a miscarriage, then my advice to you would be to just keep your mouth shut. Anything other than "I'm sorry" is probably going to come off wrong. Coworkers with 6 month old babies were bringing them into work when they didn't have to. Talk about hurtful. Others were saying things like "well, it's been a week, you should be better now". My boss, decided to tell his clients what happened. (People who I don't know, nor would I share personal stuff with.) Only he'd say "well, she was pregnant (then roll his eyes) and then she lost the 'fetus'. When I found out he was saying that I litterly threw up. It just made my ordeal not sound important, and describing it as a fetus, even though technically it is, sounded like he was describing a thing, not a baby. Imagine how hard it was to answer the phone at work only to have another person that you don't know ask you about it and try to offer condolences when they have NO IDEA what you're going through. There was a client in particular who called daily just to ask if I had lost the baby yet. When I told him yes, thinking he'd stop calling, he'd call to ask if I was feeling better yet. What I really wanted to say was, no I feel like [censored], I cry myself to sleep every night, and all the happiness, joy, and anticipation I had one day, was taken away from me the next - but thanks for reminding me that I have failed! Miscarriage stinks! No one can say anything to make you feel better. I only hope that I never forget how this feels, so if I know someone who is going through it, I'll remember what NOT to say or do.

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After I lost my last child, the only really sympathetic person was my boss. He was great. He gave me unlimited time off. He told me to grieve. He held my hand in his office and cried with me. Not my husband who had his own grief. Not my family who "couldn't relate", not my friends who didn't know what to say. My Boss.

The world needs to know how to respond. It is a death. My child died. I was sad.

The worst response was from my mother who told me, "You didn't really want another baby anyway, did you?" I remeber just looking at this woman who gave birth to me and realizing for the first time that I didn't know her at all and that she didn't know me.

I still think about that child. I still miss him. I cherish the children I do have more because of this loss. I can't have any more children so it's even sadder for me. That was my last pregnancy.


JESUS DOESN'T HOLD UP A STANDARD, HE HOLDS UP A MIRROR AND SAYS REFLECT ME!
Jenna Robinson
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I just read your post Jenna and I am so sorry to you and to all the other women on here and else where.
It is such a sad thing that is hardly talked about unless it happens, then women come from everywhere about their experiences. Sometimes their comments can be the most insensitive. I just had a woman say "it must not have been meant to be and she looked at it, if she hadn't of lost hers she wouldn't have the kids she has". That is true in a way, I too wouldn't have my daughter but I wouldn't have known about her I would have had the other baby. Like one of the last posts said, we need to remember how this feels so that in the future we can help others and not say the wrong thing.

I am lucky in the sense I can try again it is one small consolation though at the moment even the thought of it makes me feel guilty.

I do not talk to my mother for various reasons , but she said to my sister when it happened to her "well it was a blessing in disguise". Just because she was young.

1 in 4 or 5 preganancies is a common occurrance, maybe there should be a bit more research into this, if it was cancer or smoking issues or any other tragedy they would.
I would like to have more answers, especially after it happens more than once, for me it is 2 in 3. I am excited and terrified to fall again. If it occurs I don't want to know until it's nearly born.

I envy other women who just have children so easy, some aren't even trying or want it or don't know whom the father is. It hurts. I know someone who has a 3 yr old and she don't know between 3 men. Has just had another(that she wasn't trying for). Life is so bitter sweet.

I suppose I'm in the angry phase of grieving at the moment, so I do apologise if I have offended anyone. I just wish there was some way to feel better about it. All I can do is get myself distracted but it creeps back in. You fight with your guy or anyone else, because they have just got on with life and are over it, but I am just stuck here. To let go is to say goodbye and I don't want to because I want my baby back. I still count the week anniversaries. I know I need to completely move on but it is so hard.

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My miscarriage occured 13 years ago. I don't think anyone has to get over it. It's a loss. My grandmother died almost 18 years ago and I still miss her.

I don't hold anyone else to my standard of still remembering or having a silent memorial in my soul. I allow them to move on in their own way.

Moving on for me had to do with the other children I already had. But I think our lives move at their own pace. You'll eventually feel less guilty and angry over fate, but you don't ever have to let go or say goodbye. Youc an picture your baby in the Lord's arms as He gently rocks your baby to sleep. He's keeping her for you. A special surprise for you when you join them.

As for why miscarriage happens...no one knows...I think I'll add that to my list of things to ask God when I get there. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


JESUS DOESN'T HOLD UP A STANDARD, HE HOLDS UP A MIRROR AND SAYS REFLECT ME!
Jenna Robinson
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I had 3 miscarriages last year. I'm 25 healthy & 'normal' according to the doctor, but what im sick of is people telling me that ive still got plenty of time. Its happened for a good reason etc etc.Im sure everyone here has heard it all, so what was the reason? To make me feel like a useless woman or make me cry when a friend announces shes pregnant, no. Sorry I know it sounds like im having a whinge but 99% of people who say these things have not had a miscarriage so they dont know how we feel! I just want people to realise that they may mean good but some things hurt!!

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For those few weeks-
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
To be changed so profoundly.

In those few weeks-
I came to know you....
and to love you.
You came to trust me with yor life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!

Just those few weeks-
When I lost you,
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.

Just those few weeks-
It wasn't enough time to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truely unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.

Just a mere few weeks-
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?

You were just those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of life too quickly,
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.

by Susan Erling.

This was in a miscarriage pamphlete I got after my first loss. It helped me in a small way. Hope it helps you too.
My heart goes out to you all. We will never forget, even though everyone else does. [color:"blue"] [/color]

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I remember (when I was about 13 or so) my grandfather telling me about a miscarriage my grandmother had. She was far enough along that they could tell he was a boy and his eyes still lit up thinking of their child and what he could have been.

I have a feeling he was a unique man for his time. I always thought grampa was the best man in the world and when I saw how much he could love a baby he never got to know it warmed my heart even more.

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