BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Latter Day Saints How to be polite?

I have a question, and hopefully you have some advice! My husband and I gave the LDS religion a try for a few months, and while we liked the people, we just didn't feel that the religion was for us. We had made two really good friends, who are really into the church. They came over after we had made this decision and tried to give us a hometeaching lesson. We told them very politely that while we liked them, we just weren't into the church, but thanks anyway.

Well, this sunday they talked with my husbands brother (he lives in our downstairs apartment) and decided to ahve another go at trying to convert us. They came over under the pretense of saying hi and seeing how I was doing (I've been having a bad pregnancy) but then they had the brother say "so what is the lesson for today" and immediately busted out their bibles and other assorted books to give us another hometeaching lesson.

We spoke with the brother, and made it clear to him that we did not appreciate his role in not respecting our decision, but I would really like to know how to tell our friends that what they did was not appreciated. We don't want to be rude, as they are nice people, but we DO want our beliefs and decisions respected. Any ideas?

I just want to add that I would like to keep the friendship if at all possible, I just don't want to be preached to anymore <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Jessica,
I just wanted to let you know I've seen your question. It's a tricky one, and I want to make sure you get the right advice. I've just sent an email to Patricia, who is really good at this sort of thing. One of us will get back to you shortly on this, I promise!

Thanks! I really don't want to lose this friendship, aside from the attempts to converts us, they've been really good friends.

Hi Jessica!
I'm glad you can see past the "good intentions" of your friends. Sometimes people get very enthusiastic about their home teaching and don't realize they come across as being overzealous.

As a visiting teacher, I've tried to be sensitive to those whom I visit. We have, on occasion, had someone assigned to us to visit that we could tell didn't really want us there. My companion and I, when faced with this, ask if they would prefer not to have visiting teachers. And sometimes we have been told yes! So at that point we don't visit any more.

I'm gathering from your post that you aren't a member of the church, but regardless of whether you are or not, the point is you don't want those kind of visits. One thing you could do is when they call to set up a visit, tell them they are welcome as long as they don't plan to deliver a message. You may want to tell your brother this also, in case he runs across this situation again.

Unfortunately, sometimes you just have to be firm, but kind, as in your post, and tell them when they pull out the books that you are not interested, and though you enjoy their visits, it's time to stop the messages. We've had friends of other faiths come in our home and try to "convert" us, too, so this isn't a problem limited to overenthusiastic LDS members. The sad thing is that this is usually a personality problem the person has, and it may take being firm to get them to stop.

Again, I have to say I admire your concern for your friends' feelings. I think that shows you have a very kind heart. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And I just re-read your post again... if your brother-in-law is part of the problem, your husband may have to have a talk with him to make sure he understands your position. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hehe, actually pd, I'm in the scary psyco phase of the pregnancy, so I made it VERY clear to him that I did NOT appreciate what he did (he was right there in the room when we first explained to the friends that we just weren't interested in the church)

My father mentioned that people who convert to a new religion tend to be the most... zealous about converting others. I really don't mind discussing religion with people, provided that they keep an open mind, and understand that I'm not trying to force my opinions on them, and I expect them to be the same. A religious discussion can be very enjoyable, but they aren't coming over to discuss the different aspects of religion to us, their just coming to TELL us what is right. End of story.

I really like your suggestion of when they pull out the books to say thanks, but it's time to stop the messages. We have gone out several times with this couple, in non religious settings and activites, and had a great time. We did give the church a try ( can't say no if you haven't tried it after all) but it just didn't work for us. Despite how rude my family is (for those of you who've read some of my other posts <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ) My father raised me to avoid rudeness, and I really had no idea how to NOT be rude to my friends, thanks again!

I said I'd chime in, but as usual, my friend has covered it perfectly. I agree that I admire your determination to save the friendship and your desire to be kind about it. Friendship should be able to withstand some rules and this is a perfectly reasonable rule. I have a very close friend who likes to discuss religion with me, and I've given her standing orders to stop me if I get carried away. Our agreement preserves a very valuable friendship, but lets us explore each other's beliefs, which is a way of knowing each other better.

I have two very good friends who are in the LDS church. While I find some of my beliefs and choices fit well with theirs, the religion is definitely not for me.

I made this very clear to both of them. Both respected my wishes on this and it has not hurt the friendship a bit. It does not have to be rude in wording, simply a clear understanding.

I've been pretty lucky, I actively get interested in friends with many religions but they've been quite respectful. In high school I had friends that were Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, and more. I had a great deal of fun going with them to their various practices and on weekends with them, learning about what they had to offer. And my friends were great about answering questions, but they didn't push me beyond what I wanted to know.

I think if a friend started to push me too hard that I'd mention it quickly but firmly. Friendship is too valuable to risk. If they really wanted to convert me, staying my friend and showing me steadily how happy they were would be far more effective than driving me away quickly.

We are really open minded about religion. My father was a Southern Baptist minister (before he got kicked out for some of his ideas <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> ) And I am half Choctaw, so I get a lot of that religion too, plus my mother married a VERY lds man (that's why all the boys are lds) but she's NOT at all... I don't think she's made up her mind about religion yet... she was lutheran, then unitarian... and a couple of others <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> , So I really don't mind other religions, I just don't know how to tell a person to knock it off, after I've already told them once that I am not interested. I'm not used to people pushing at me, that I have to be nice to that is! (I can handle sales people, no problem <img src="/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> )

I spent over 20 years in the Southern Baptist church. My father remains a licensed pastor. My experiences over the last few years brought up too many questions in my mind. I was forced to examine myself, my beliefs and everything I was ever taught. I no longer consider religion right for me and I do not consider myself a Christian.

If my religious friends truly care about me then they understand this and realise that my spirituality is very precious to me. They understand that I am unwilling to ever again risk my precious connection with God by allowing a doctrine, a man or a church to be a part of what I value.

If I am a true friend, then I understand that at the heart of my wonderful friends' beliefs are the doctrines they are taught. I love who they are so I surely do not wish to change them. If church attendance is such a positive thing for them then it's good and right for them and I will not attempt to damage something good.

If I ever meet with someone who does not show the understanding and respect that these two ladies have then I think I would be examining the friendship. My experience with the church (mine not LDS) tells me that sometimes the friendship is secondary to the network for possible converts. If I felt the friendship was secondary then I think I would be facing a decision....is the friendship worth continuing and treasuring IF the friendship is based on my worth as a possible convert.

May you have an excellent day enriched with true friendship.

Rogue, I have known you for years and I've never known anyone more respectful and caring about the beliefs of others. You've always represented for me what I hope I can learn to be when talking to others about my own beliefs.

I don't consider it a real friendship if conversion is the purpose of being friends. While I am changed every day by caring friends, those changes come about through their example and their love for me, not by manipulation or pressure. You can't fake real friendship!

Thought I would jump in here. This is a very interesting thread.
True friends will naturally be interested in sharing Good News with you but trying to trick you into hearing it is a step too far and makes the friendship suspect.
For instance, the love of Jesus Christ is something that bursts out all over. It should show in a changed life and an increased caring and respect for others.

Sadly, we've learned that the couple in question were only friendly to us in hopes of converting us. Since we've made it very clear that we aren't going to join the church, they no longer want contact with us. We have stayed polite, but it saddens me that the only reason they made friends with us was to convert us.

Jessica, I'm really sorry this has happened. Yes, I know I'm not responsible for every member of my church, but I am still sorry. Fake friendship is not a gospel principle. However, they are the ones who are missing out on a great friendship. You've been very kind and accepting of them and very thoughtful in your approach to the subject on this board. I'm sorry this friendship didn't work out and I hope any other LDS friends you might have will make these people the exception, not the rule.

Well, I have met many people, who are very nice, in the mormon religion (my daughters grand mother is the relief society president for her ward). They just took me by surprise, since we spent so much time OUTSIDE religion hanging out. We all went to the russian symphony together, and other fun outings, which is why I considered them friends. The fact of their religion was secondary to me, I just thought we'd give it a try since I promised my daughter's father that she'd be raised in the mormon church. ah well, my daughter goes to her grandmothers house on sunday's, spends time with her and goes to church.

I don't see it as a flaw in the religion, I just see it as a flaw in these peoples character (harsh as that sounds)

Jess, you hit the nail right on the head, as they say. <img src="/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'm sorry that your friends turned out not to be real friends after all. We had a man attend our ward for over 5 years before he was baptized, and while we were all thrilled, we all let him know that whether he joined the church or not, he would always be a part of our ward (his wife is a member). He's been a member for over a year now, and while we're all happy that he decided to join, our feelings about him wouldn't have changed any. He would still be our friend, and we'd still look forward to seeing him whether in church or out.

I think your friends had good, but misguided, intentions. I'm going to tell you my philosophy--the gospel according to me <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and the experiences I've had, both as a convert and in dealing with friends who have shown an interest in the church. A person who decides to join the church does so NOT because he or she is "converted" by someone. The decision to be baptized is a highly personal and private one between that person and God. As a mere mortal, I can introduce someone to the gospel. But it is the light of Christ that changes hearts--and this does not and will not happen until that person has been prepared and is ready. No one can judge that timetable except that person and God. I have a son who is 16 and will serve a mission when he turns 19. His father and I talk to him about his mission, and we tell him that his success will not be determined by how many people he gets to baptize, but by how honestly and whole-heartedly he serves the Lord. Even if he doesn't get to baptize anyone, he will have planted seeds in people's hearts that someday will hopefully help them grow closer to God.

Whew! I've got to stop being so longwinded when I answer your posts! <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi all!! I had a visiting teacher he was also my sons school teacher and spring time basketball coach... to make a long story short ... we had gone to saltlake to a basketball game my son was playing in ... this coach , V/T S/T his son also was on the team ... i was out in the hall during the game and heard this horrible noise on the court ...this man had grabbed his son and started beatting him off the court . they flew past me and he continued beatting him down the hall .....i got off the phone clearly shaken , most of the whole gym was . I was in shock at this mans behavior .... anyway, it came time for a visit from him and i looked forward to them ....he was fun to talk to .. no visiting teacher no call nothing...next month same thing.. so i went to the bishop and he told me there were issues between me and this V/T i was like, what?? he then told me the V/T felt i had turned him into the state for making up a story about him at that particular game ....then i ran into him at grocery store he chased me to my car and told me i was a cancer to society - i told him i did not turn him in ... and i had no idea who did .....i told him i felt like what he did was wrong and he shouldnt have done that , but i did not turn him in ....i should have now i know haha His wife will not speak to me only to my kids. now if this guy is truly a good member of the LDS church wouldnt he take some responsibility for his actions??? He is one of the reasons we moved to utah ........we are loving it here!!

Sweet Caroline:

One's choice of faith or churches does not guarantee that everyone around will behave as expected. Every religion and church has less than sterling individuals.

Was the Bishop aware of what really went on at that event?

And my next is a personal comment. If this man's behaviour is disturbing to you, why would you want him in your home and around your family?