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Joined: Oct 2004
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mtom Offline OP
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hello
i'm 44 male i need some advice.
i have cp and i am single.
back in nov. well it started before that. me and my sister had a fight over sex and me looking a lady freind. i don't understand her she has four husbens. how can she think of dening me right to make my own relationship. after all the times i could've tryed to mess with her life. well anyway i was never mad at her just hurt. but she hasn't talk to me sence then. she is bad about carring a gruge. even after mom though us not to. what can i do. i have appauligized


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i have noticed in my own life that people feel comfortable seeking my advice in their able bodied relationships, but when i start talking about my wishes and desires, they start to squirm and get uncomfortable. it is a very strange phenomenon. i would not blame your sister, however, because society at large has painted a picture of disability that doesn't include sexuality. that picture is incorrect, though, and the fact is, there are many disabled people out there who do have healthy relationships and even marry and have children.
as far as mending ties with your sister, i think education is always the best tool. perhaps you can show her this website and the links under "relationships and sexuality" located at http://www.bellaonline.org/subjects/71.asp or find litterature on this issue. another thing you can do is write her a letter. it is hard to argue back with a letter. just explain to her that even though your body is different, your heart and mind aren't.


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Chester4495
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Hey there! All "big" sisters think they can give advice no matter how they have screwed up their own lives. And - they think being older means they don't have to listen to our advice. My sister has and quite a few marriages, used to did a lot of drugs incollege, and believes that each man she gets invloved with is "the one". Everytime I make a comment about my life plans she thinks she can give me advice instead of just listening and really hearing me - I can't stand it. But I know there's no changing her or getting her to see what she does and how alienating it is to me. So, I just limit my conversations with her to safe, non-personal subjects. My advice would be to join a support group for CP'rs or just for folks who are dating (after all your issues are not that far from the rest of us, are they?) if you haven't got a friend you can talk to instead of your sister. My friend who has an "ostomy" gets together once a year with other folks who have them and she feels so accepted and supported, they e-mail and chat all year through. Best wishes.


Susan Emge Milliner, Cedar Park, Texas
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I have to be the devils advocate here. Maybe you should see what your sister's concerns are about you dating. My brother in law is mildly retarded, and he is constantly dating and getting engaged. The problem that we (my husband and I) have is that we are struggling to get him independant (he's never held down a job or lived on his own) and if he had children, who would take care of them? We have three children, and are having to support my mother in law, as well as my brother in law. While I feel that his dating is not my business, I do believe that him having children IS, simply because we can't afford to take care of any more people!

Anyway, my point is, maybe she has a concern beyond being uncomfortable about you dating. Try asking her what her fears are, maybe then you can work things out where there are fewer problems. One thing to keep in mind, she is probably WELL aware of her mistakes with her first husbands, if you used that as a reason for her to stop giving you advice, you may have hurt her very deeply. I have only been married the one time, but I am very sensitve about having my mistakes thrown in my face. Try just telling her that you love her, but you really don't need the advice. Like most big sisters, she's probably just trying to look out for your well being. <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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yes, i agree that family generally wants what is best for each other, and they are the ones that we should turn to for help. that doesn't mean, however, that we shouldn't live our lives in the manner that is best for us.
you are concerned that your brother in law has too many relationships, but maybe these relationships are what keeps him going and happy. we ALL find happiness in the comfort of others reguardless of our differences. i know you are concerned he might father a child in the process, so maybe your husband or a medical professional can teach him about contraceptives and remind him that our actions have consequences.
there are many people out there that have children when don't have the means to take care of them (i.e. teen mothers, low income, single parents, etc.)... would you ask them to not have relationships? when you deny someone something, they just want it more. maybe we should just educate people to make more informed decisions.
just my two cents <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
dana


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Chester4495
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Jessica here, our situation is probably a tad bit different. You are obviously willing to take care of yourself. To give you an example of why my husband and I are concerned about his brother, when we told him that he needed to get a job to save up for his own place, his responce was that if we stopped taking care of him he would sue us. ( no there is no law requiring us to take care of him, we do it because he is family). Sadly, we are about to move into our own house, and do NOT have the room to take him in. Plus we are expecting a new baby, so we no longer have the funds to take care of him.

We have never ever denied him the right to date! That subject has never come up! In fact, we even give him and his dates rides when they need it! The only thing we have said is that as long as he thinks that he can "sue" us to take care of him, he is obviously NOT ready to support his own family. We asked him what he would do when he got married (he's proposed to every girlfriend he's had) and his response is that he and his wife would move in with us, and we would take care of BOTH of them! And their kids!

and before you get upset about him not really being able to take care of himself, he is perfectly capable, he just does not want to. We have had to make one of the hardest decisions... that of kicking him out on his rear, ready or not, when we move to our new house. We've given him almost a years notice to get a job and save up, we've gotten him interviews with companies. And I've offered to find an inexpensive apartment for him, but he is still under the delusion that we are required by law to take care of him.

It sounds like you are NOT that kind of person, I am merely suggesting that maybe your sister has other reasons besides being uncomfortable with you dating. She could also just be uncomfortable with the idea... and that is not your fault. She needs to have some therapy (evil word but true) to get past her feelings... but that probably wont happen unless she can admit that it's a problem.


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