BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence Please! Need help--suggestions, rescources, anything

I don't know what to call this post. I'm new to this forum, I found it on a Google search. I'll try to be brief. I have been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused since the 2nd grade. At that time it wasn't that "serious", but I can see now that it, along w/ my parents unintentional degrading of my self esteem, have paved the course of my life into progressively worse scenarios. On November 10, 1999 I left the most abusive relationship I've had. It lasted 7 years. I was 9 mo pregnant w/ my second child and had nothing but the clothes on my back. Two weeks after delivering my child I obtained two full-time jobs and worked myself into exhaustion while struggling to "suck it up", "get over it", and move on w/ my life. I am currently still employed at one of the jobs. I am also extremely poor. I'm unable to obtain mental health services or medications. I was on medications from Jan 2000 through Oct 2003 and got progressively worse until I finally decided that death was the only means of peace. After being discovered by coincidence, my heart stopped three times and I felt that I was finally going to be able to rest. Unfortunately, an ambulance arrived and I was revived. For months I carried tremendous anger for those that had "trapped" me in this existence of pain and suffering. Some time later, with the help of my one and only friend, I discovered God, and it seemed that my life would change for the better. I still had lurking feelings of sadness, worthlessness, hopelessness, and anxiety. I isolated myself for months. I could only function enough to go to work--where I isolate myself as well. My children were removed from my home and placed with my parents due to my repeated planning and attempted suicide. They are safe from their father, and for that I am grateful. During the last few months, my best friend has helped me to leave the house and even become somewhat comfortable meeting new people. He is moving on May 1st to a city about 3 hours away. He was the only one I trusted and could talk to about what I was feeling. Now I fear I'm falling into that horrible depression again as I lose him and still have ongoing problems in social settings and interactions with men. I have made efforts to be intimate on different levels with men. I think that if I can accomplish this, I can move on with my life--a victory of sorts. The problem is, I can't. I can't have any physical contact without instantly becoming emotionally detached. First I am fearful. Then I am numb for a bit to any sensation--emotional or physical. Then I degrade myself. I feel guilty, ashamed, humilated. Logically I have no reason for these feelings. But it forces me to be alone. I can't tell anyone I know about this. I am not in any abusive situation. I just don't know how to move on. I want to be loved and have the ability to love. I just can't move beyond friendship--of which I have only been able to establish one. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to rot away in my house, all alone and hurting. Why can't I get over this? I have problems doing things to actively help myself. That is how I came across this board. I don't know what else to do but ask other people on the internet for help or advice. If there were just some "instructions", like self-help therapy... I hope my post wasn't too long. If anyone can make suggestions to me, please do so. I will check this board. I also have email at tiffanydw@hotmail.com, MSN messenger (same ID), and Yahoo messenger: tiffanydw2 . I'd be very grateful to anyone who is willing to talk to me. Thank you.

Tiffany,

Firstly, let me say I'm so terribly sorry for your plight. I am very aware of the feelings and experiences you're going through. I've seen it all too often.

Your responses are absolutely normal for someone in your position.

Your self-esteem has been all but destroyed, leaving you to look for any crumb of hope that will restore a semblance of normality. When that crumb is taken away, you feel you'd have been better off without it. That's normal also.

There are people who are willing and determined to help you and other victims. A part of you probably feels that you're not worth helping. YOU ARE! The people best equipped are those who've been where you were and where you are now.

I'm glad you've found God. I know that prayer can be of great benefit, especially in these early days of recovery.

You might not be able to see the light at the end of tunnel right now, but believe me, it is there!

Please let us know where you are. Your county and nearest large city is sufficient.
I'll then see what I can find by way of useful contacts for you.

Please put suicide-attempts on hold. You've done the hardest part by leaving the abuser. Now you've got to concentrate on recovery -if only for your family and those of us who don't want that low-life to win.

And when you need to cry, don't be ashamed to. It's a natural need and will make you feel slightly calmer after each session.

Help is out there and you've made a good start towards getting it.

God bless you Tiffany. If you want to email me, you're more than welcome.

*hugs*

Emma (emmachee@yahoo.com)

Hi Tiffany,

First I would like to say, you did not survive all that abuse, to do away with yourself. You are much stronger than you think...if you doubt that, think of what you have been thru and made it. I too was in a extremely violent relationship and I barely got away with my life. He fired a shotgun at me, and it is only by the grace of God, it missed me.
I was abused as a child, and it wasn't talked about back then, so I felt it was my fault. I then married the first man, that said he loved me. He was verbally abusive so what little self esteem I had, was gone. I then married again, but this man, was both physically abusive as well as verbally. I can't tell you how many times he beat me and I took him back. Our relationship lasted for 13 years........and yes I feel stupid for waisting all those years. He not only fired a shotgun at me, but he also beat me and broke my tailbone that night. We were living in a very rural area, where we had no power or phone. When I got away, I ran to a neighbor whom I knew had a cell phone. By the time the police got there, he was hiding in another cabin. The police, wouldn't go into the house, and said they called his name, and wouldn't come out. Since it was dark they would come back. Well by the time they came back, in the morning he was gone...gee what a surprise!
So I deal with the fact that he might come looking for me, and finish the job and as a result I have PTSD.
Six months after this happened to me, I had moved in with my mom, whom I hadn't talked to for 4 years prior because of him. And one month after I moved in with her, she passed away.
Then nine months later my 19 year old son, died in a car accident.

Now the reason, I am telling you this....I am still breathing,getting up everyday and going on. Now, I wanted more than anything to die the day I found out about my son...but I couldn't! I was spared, the night my ex tried to kill me, for some reason..unknown to me. Then I thought of my daughter, what would that do to her? So I go on for her, for my son's memory and for the wonderful man, I now have in my life.

You need to contact the domestic violence coalition near you, or call their 1-800 number.
They have counsors and therapists, and they can help you get in contact with Victims Assistance.

On a final note: Decide what it is you want out of a relationship. Make a list of what you have always wanted in a relationship and haven't gotten. After you have that list....don't settle for anything less that what you want. Decide you are done being a door mat or punching bag for anyone. None of this is your fault, you are following a pattern....the same pattern I used to follow. And look for the positives, in all your experiences. There is something you learned or got out of those relationships....turn it outward.
And keep living...you have two babies, that need a mom, not a corpse. Don't do that to them. They don't deserve it. Take care and stay safe


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I've been on my own, living without fear (except for the rare episodes of PTSD) for 9 months now. I attend a Womens' Support Group at the local domestic violence shelter here in my city. I also attend their Moms' Group. I have a primary advocate at the shelter that I meet with once a week. I also am seeing the therapist that works at the shelter.

I am not a resident of the shelter.

There are people out there that can help you. There are support groups, advocates, therapists. These people want to help you, that's what they're here for. Please check your local phone book to see what domestic violence services are offered in your area. Even if you're not in an abusive relationship with someone, you can still get services from a DV center.

I haven't been with a man in two years. Sure I crave the intimacy, but I am just not ready for a relationship. I am trying to get to know me again. I am anti-social, and I think a lot of that has to do with my PTSD and my fear of being found by my abuser. I rarely leave my house, I screen all my phone calls. But I make myself go to these support groups, and I always keep the number to the DV shelter at hand incase I need to talk with someone about how I'm feeling.

I can relate to what you're going through, but no matter how difficult life may be, how frustrating it is, how lonely you may feel, there is a reason you are here. There is a reason God didn't take you. It may take awhile to find out what that reason is, but I know that part of it is because your children need their mother. And you need your children.

Please feel free to email me at [email]camii.we@acsalaska.net.[/email] I may have a few resources that I can get for you.

Good luck to you, keep your head up, and know that there are people that care and want to help. I am one of those people.

God bless you <img src="/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Tiffany,

First I have to say CONGRATULATIONS on achieving the first step...the acknowledgment that your beginning to slip back into your old patterns caused by your PTSD. I wish more of us were able to recognize the symptoms like you have.

Second, I want to say OUT LOUD that sometimes God puts us into situations that on the outside look like we are being abandoned but with a little objectivity we can see that He is just leading us back into our lives.

Remember the verse that He doesn't give us more than we can handle. Remeber that! Anything and everything we experience is orchestrated for our benefit. Whether it seems like it or not. There are people out here who care and care deeply for you without ever having known you. We care because we see ourselves in you. We care because God calls us to care for one another.

I was in an abusive marriage and lost custody of my two daughters because of it. I thank God for the gift of my son. Because of my son, I HAD to stand up on my own. I had no choice. My child needed me. My daughters needed me even tho they lived with their father in Hawaii and it was unlikly that I would ever see them agian. I eventually did get to see them and now have a good relationship with them.

God knows you and loves you and you know that. He has your back. all the way. I write the Bella Online Christianity section and would be glad to call you friend. Us survivors of abuse must stand up for one another. But more importantly, brothers and sisters in Christ must stand ready to DEFEND and CARRY each other.

Where do you live? Where is your child living right now? If there is any way that I can help you I will. Go to the Christianity site here at Bella and email me. Suicide is not the answer. Life gets tough but thats when you realize that God is tougher than life and He won't let us down. You are loved and you are precious. You were worth creating because He created you. You ahve a purpose and I never doubt God. Don't you doubt Him either. Hang in there Sister, it can only get better.