Hi Shirley,
I am very sorry for the loss of your loved ones. You are right...unless you experience the loss of someone you deeply loved you don't have a real concept of the depth of pain and grief that is to follow.
This month is a year and a half since my boyfriend left the physical world. Sometimes it seems like not much time has passed at all, and sometimes it feels like forever since he stood here laughing with me. Soon after he passed away I went online and researched grief from many sources. I ordered and read books too. I learned how to grieve and I needed that badly. I was thrown off balance and I knew I could not do this alone. I was too young to suffer a loss such as this, so I thought.
I did learn to be good to myself and allow myself all the time I need to grieve. I do let myself feel the pain when it comes, but it is not as often as it used to be. I have been trying to move myself forward by getting back to interests I once had. I want to be strong and at peace so that I can welcome a new love some day. As hurt as I have been, I know I am the happiest when I am with an intimate partner. I will persue that avenue in due time. I feel like I am turning a corner and wanting to be out in the world again, so to speak.
The last 5 years for me has been one thing after another. Job losses, divorce from a man I considered to be my soulmate, financial ruin, almost losing my horses to a maniac I paid to care for them and who held them hostage, and losing my boyfriend after having him in my life for only two short years. Only 8 months into our relationship he had his first heart attack. Nothing was ever the same after that even though we loved each other. During most of our time together he was not well.
I sometimes feel that I can barely get through one traumatic event when another one comes to pass. I have been worn down and worn out by life. Right now I am not working but I do have unemployment pay which is alleviating some stress right now even if it is not much money. I am taking time for myself to not only look for work but to really care for myself. I am trying to get the strong woman back I used to be years ago, before my heart was broken into a million pieces more than once.
I have a journal I dedicate just to my boyfriend. It has helped me immensely. I have filled one journal and went on to a second. I talk with him there and remember things. It has been one way to connect with him and to deal with all the feelings that come with such a loss.
I am feeling better with time. I feel that I still have a ways to go and I don't believe in rushing my grief along. It is running its course which is very important. I understand it and accept it for what it is. So many people hide from their pain, but I educated myself early on in this process, and I know that in order to properly heal and move on you just have to go through it. There is no other way.
I still take life one day at a time, and I am making every effort to find moments of happiness along the way. My emotions and feelings went flat last year, and I am just now starting to engage myself so that I can begin to feel things again. I am a work in progress but I am determined to be able to feel joy again. Like my sweetheart would say....baby steps.....
