I have been having some real sad moments this week. I enjoyed two weeks away visiting family and I wasn't sad at all, really. Maybe a minute or two here and there but for the most part I felt peaceful. Back home now in the place my boyfriend and I shared has brought the sadness back all over again. The tears have come down with some intensity.
I sometimes want to scream because I am tired of this pain....
I know he is in a good place, that I will see him again, and that our love never dies. I realize that and more, but I am human after all and I am missing him with every fiber of my being.
It does not help that I lost my job and I am worried about getting my bills paid. I don't have much left in my checking account....
I am afraid. Afraid of failing, losing my animals, and being alone through all of this. I feel so alone. I know there are friends and family I can talk to, and I know there is God above to help me. I know there are support systems out there and really I am not alone, but sometimes I just don't want to talk with anyone about any of this. And who really wants to hear about how "down" I am again??? I get tired of even bringing it up to people I know. So essentially I am alone here......
I can be strong and help others when the chips are down, but sometimes I just don't have the strength to help myself. Today I went back and forth between wanting to sleep my entire day away to escape, and feeling like I was going to climb out of my skin. I am tired of always having a hurdle to deal with that almost seems insurmountable. I sometimes feel paralyzed and I can't find a shred of ambition to get myself out of the dark hole.
Being without my boyfriend is very hard because when I have tough issues to deal with it is always nice to get that hug and voice of reason and love telling me that everything is going to work out. I miss having someone who's got my back and offers a gentle touch to soothe frazzled nerves. I miss his laughter and positive attitude that always brought me up out of a slump, because I am notorious for being a thinker, analyzer, and worrier. I miss wrapping my arms around him and feeling him close. His presence always seemed to melt away cold, harsh reality.
