Diana, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. That's the scariest thing about bipolar disorder. The suicide rate is really high, and I can totally understand why. I've had suicidal ideation since my early teens. I haven't ever attempted, thank God.
I've read that lots of people do enjoy their mania, but I hate mine. That's why I know I have to be medicated--I just go and go, and my mind won't shut down, and I feel like I'm just going to die. And I don't feel happy--I feel very agitated. It's awful.
BD runs in my family, too. There are two suicides in my family in people diagnosed with what they called manic-depressive disorder back then. I have another family member who I've heard was diagnosed with BD, who held his wife at gun point all night long. He also put the gun in his mouth for a long time on another occasion. It's a horrible disease.
And thank you for sharing your pain with us, too.