Do you suffer from depression ?
A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He
says, "It seems I can't make any
friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.
A psychotic thinks that two and two are
five.
A neurotic knows two and two are four --
but he hates it.
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please
press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask
someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities,
please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know
who you are and what you want. Just stay
on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen
carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter
which number you press. No one will
answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally
hallucinate, please be aware that the
thing you are holding on the side of
your head is alive and about to bite off
your ear.
A man goes to a Psychologist and says,
"Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop
thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see
what we can find out", and pulls out his
ink blots. "What is this a picture of?"
he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down
then turns it around and states, "That's
a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very
interesting," and shows the next
picture. "And what is this a picture
of?"
The man looks and turns it in different
directions and says, "That's a man and a
woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the
third ink blot, and asks the same
question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all
directions and replies, "That's a man
and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you
do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the
one who keeps showing me the dirty
pictures!"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group
therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children. "You all have
obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are
obsessed with eating. You even named
your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your
obsession is money. Again, it manifests
itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your
obsession is alcohol and your child's
name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up,
took her little boy by the hand and
whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go
home."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees
a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his
courage, he finally goes over to her and
asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind
if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of
her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you
tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now
staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed
and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks
over to him and apologizes. She smiles
at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate
student in psychology, and I'm studying
how people respond to embarrassing
situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his
lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
What happens when a psychiatrist and a
hooker spend the night together? In the
morning each of them says: "120 dollars,
please."
A young woman took her troubles to a
psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help
me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that
every time I date a nice guy, I end up
in bed with him. And then afterward, I
feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And
you, no doubt, want me to strengthen
your will power and resolve in this
matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the
woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't
feel guilty and depressed afterward."
A psychologist is at a party talking
with a small group of people, when a man
comes up behind him and taps him on the
shoulder. The psychologist turns around
and the man hauls off and decks him. The
psychologist gets up, brushes himself
off, turns to the group and declares:
"That's his problem."
Two elderly couples were enjoying
friendly conversation when one of the
men asked the other, "Fred, how was the
memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They
taught us all the latest psychological
techiniques - visualization, association
- it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the
clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought,
but couldn't remember. Then a smile
broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that red flower with
the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.
. ."Rose, what was the name of that
clinic?"
What is the difference between a
psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my
mother," he will ask "Why do you say
that?" while a psychologist will say
"Thank you for sharing that with us."
What's the difference between a
psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!
Once I had multiple personalities, but
now we are feeling well.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy
every minute.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not
sure.
The best thing about being
schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.
Just because you are paranoid doesn't
mean people aren't out to get you!
Hypochondria is the only illness that I
don't have.
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a
little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one
with a glass of water.
Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say
we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's
a madhouse.'"
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for
a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to
childhood, a man is already there.
A psychologist returned from a confrence
in Aspen lodge, where all the
psychologists were permited to ski for
free. Her husband asked her, "How it
went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've
never seen so many Freudians slips."
Two psychologists meet at their
twentieth college reunion. One of them
looks like he just graduated, while the
other psychologist looks old, worried
and withered.
The older looking one asks the other,
"What's your secret? Listening to other
people's problems every day, all day
long, for years on end, has made an old
man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who
listens?"
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm
crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages
too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see
my collection. I've got hundreds of
them.
When the new patient was settled
comfortably on the couch, the
physiatrist began his therapy session,
"I'm not aware of your problem," the
doctor said. "So perhaps, you should
start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In
the beginning, I created the Heavens and
the Earth..."
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two
patients are having a conversation. One
says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so
the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do
you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I
was."
At this point, a patient on the other
side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
A man who thinks he's George Washington
has been seeing a psychiatrist. He
finishes up one session by telling him,
"Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and
surprise them when they least expect
it." As soon as he's gone, the
psychiatrist picks up the phone and
says, "King George, this is Benedict
Arnold. I have the plans."
Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for
four years for treatment of the fear
that he had monsters under his bed. It
had been years since he had gotten a
good night's sleep. Furthermore, his
progress was very poor, and he knew it.
So, one day he stops seeing the
psychoanalyst and decides to try
something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former
psychoanalyst meets his old client in
the supermarket, and is surprised to
find him looking well-rested, energetic,
and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's
amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst
says. "you seem to be doing much better.
How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says
enthusiastically, "and he cured me in
just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks
incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is
a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks.
"How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut
the legs off of my bed."
A psychologist was walking along a
Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle
poking up through the sand. Opening it,
he was astonished to see a cloud of
smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I
will grant you one wish!" The
psychologist paused, laughed, and
replied, "I have always wanted a road
from Hawaii to California."
The genie grimaced, thought for a few
minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry,
but I can't do that! Think of all the
pilings needed to hold up the highway
and how long they'd have to be to reach
the bottom of the ocean. Think of all
the pavement. That's too much to ask."
"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting
to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist.
Make me understand my patients. What
makes them laugh and cry, why are they
temperamental, why are they so difficult
to get along with, what do they really
want? Basically, teach me to understand
what makes them tick!"
The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did
you want two lanes or four?"
One behaviorist to another after
lovemaking:
"Darling, that was wonderful for you.
How was it for me?"
How do you tell the difference between
the staff and the inmates at a
psychiatric hospital?
The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he
is God.
The staff have the keys!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a
set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
bell.
Well, just go home and if the feeling
persists, give me a ring.
Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a
wheelbarrow.
Don't let people push you around.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm
invisible.
Who said that?!
Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?
Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!
Next!
Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I
say.
Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL
problem?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of
cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me
I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.
Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing
things.
Take these pills for a week; if that
doesn't work I'll have a color TV!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer
up. Calm...
Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get
into fights.
And how long have you had this
complaint?
Who wants to know?
Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one
minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm
blank!
And how long have you had this
complaint?
What complaint?
Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small
bucket.
You do look a little pail.
Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds
to live.
Wait a minute please.
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.
Don't answer!
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm
under such a lot of stress, I keep
losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU
STUPID BASTARD!!!
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a
dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine
you.
I can't, I'm not allowed on the
furniture.
How psychiatrists do it...
Psychiatrists do it on the couch.
Psychiatrists think they do it.
Psychiatrists do it for at least fifty
dollars per session.
How many psychologists does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself
when it's ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has
to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.
How many psychiatrists does it take to
change a light bulb?
"How long have you been having this
phantasy?"
"Why does the light bulb necessarily
have to change?"
One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to
change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"
After 12 years of therapy, my
psychoanalyst said something that
brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No
hablo Ingles."Ronnie Shakes (via
Frederic Patterson)
A man walks into his psychiatrist's
office and claims he suffers from CDO.
His doctor looks puzzled and asks what
he means.
It's like OCD but everything has to be
in alphabetical order!
Emma Carter
There a naked guy, and he wraps himself
in Saran wrap and goes to see a
psychologist. He walks in, and the
doctor says "Well, I can clearly see
you're nuts!"
Jose Jalapeno
Two psychologists pass each other in the
hallway. One says to the other, "Hello!"
After they pass, the second says to
himself, "I wonder what he *meant* by
that?"Jon James
I told my psychiatrist that I was
talking to myself. I was surprised when
he replied,
"That's o.k.. Just hold a mobile phone
by your mouth."
Robert D Dangoor
The head psychiatrist decides it's time
to see whether some patients are ready
to leave the "hospital" so he takes one
to a room where there is a large, empty
swimming pool, and a diving board
overhanging it.
He takes the patient to the edge of the
board and says: "Jump!" The patient
jumps and breaks both his legs and is
carried away.
The next patient is taken up and after
the same injunction, jumps and breaks
both her arms and is carried away.
The last patient is taken up and told to
jump and he refuses.
The head psychiatrist says,
"Congratulations! You have passed the
test, and are free to leave, but tell me
out of curiosity why you refused to
jump." The patient replies, "I can't
swim."
