Do you suffer from depression ?

A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He

says, "It seems I can't make any

friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

A psychotic thinks that two and two are

A neurotic knows two and two are four --

but he hates it.

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please

press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask

someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities,

please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know

who you are and what you want. Just stay

on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen

carefully and a little voice will tell

you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter

which number you press. No one will

If you are delusional and occasionally

hallucinate, please be aware that the

thing you are holding on the side of

your head is alive and about to bite off

your ear.

A man goes to a Psychologist and says,

"Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop

thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see

what we can find out", and pulls out his

ink blots. "What is this a picture of?"

he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down

then turns it around and states, "That's

a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "very

interesting," and shows the next

picture. "And what is this a picture

The man looks and turns it in different

directions and says, "That's a man and a

woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the

third ink blot, and asks the same

question, "What is this a picture of?"
The patient again turns it in all

directions and replies, "That's a man

and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you

do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the

one who keeps showing me the dirty


A psychiatrist was conducting a group

therapy session with four young mothers

and their small children. "You all have

obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are

obsessed with eating. You even named

your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your

obsession is money. Again, it manifests

itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your

obsession is alcohol and your child's

name is Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up,

took her little boy by the hand and

whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go


A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees

a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his

courage, he finally goes over to her and

asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind

if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of

her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you

tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now

staring at them. Naturally, the guy is

hopelessly and completely embarrassed

and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks

over to him and apologizes. She smiles

at him and says, "I'm sorry if I

embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate

student in psychology, and I'm studying

how people respond to embarrassing


To which he responds, at the top of his

lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

What happens when a psychiatrist and a

hooker spend the night together? In the

morning each of them says: "120 dollars,


A young woman took her troubles to a

psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help

me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that

every time I date a nice guy, I end up

in bed with him. And then afterward, I

feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And

you, no doubt, want me to strengthen

your will power and resolve in this


"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the

woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't

feel guilty and depressed afterward."

A psychologist is at a party talking

with a small group of people, when a man

comes up behind him and taps him on the

shoulder. The psychologist turns around

and the man hauls off and decks him. The

psychologist gets up, brushes himself

off, turns to the group and declares:

"That's his problem."

Two elderly couples were enjoying

friendly conversation when one of the

men asked the other, "Fred, how was the

memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They

taught us all the latest psychological

techiniques - visualization, association

- it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the

Fred went blank. He thought and thought,

but couldn't remember. Then a smile

broke across his face and he asked,

"What do you call that red flower with

the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife.

. ."Rose, what was the name of that


What is the difference between a

psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my

mother," he will ask "Why do you say

that?" while a psychologist will say

"Thank you for sharing that with us."

What's the difference between a

psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats!

Once I had multiple personalities, but

now we are feeling well.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy

every minute.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not


The best thing about being

schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.

Just because you are paranoid doesn't

mean people aren't out to get you!

Hypochondria is the only illness that I

don't have.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a

little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one

with a glass of water.

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say

we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's

a madhouse.'"

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for

a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to

childhood, a man is already there.

A psychologist returned from a confrence

in Aspen lodge, where all the

psychologists were permited to ski for

free. Her husband asked her, "How it

went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've

never seen so many Freudians slips."

Two psychologists meet at their

twentieth college reunion. One of them

looks like he just graduated, while the

other psychologist looks old, worried

and withered.
The older looking one asks the other,

"What's your secret? Listening to other

people's problems every day, all day

long, for years on end, has made an old

man of me."
The younger looking one replies, "Who


Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm

crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages

Patient: Good, you should come and see

my collection. I've got hundreds of


When the new patient was settled

comfortably on the couch, the

physiatrist began his therapy session,

"I'm not aware of your problem," the

doctor said. "So perhaps, you should

start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In

the beginning, I created the Heavens and

the Earth..."

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two

patients are having a conversation. One

says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so

the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do

you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I

At this point, a patient on the other

side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

A man who thinks he's George Washington

has been seeing a psychiatrist. He

finishes up one session by telling him,

"Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and

surprise them when they least expect

it." As soon as he's gone, the

psychiatrist picks up the phone and

says, "King George, this is Benedict

Arnold. I have the plans."

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for

four years for treatment of the fear

that he had monsters under his bed. It

had been years since he had gotten a

good night's sleep. Furthermore, his

progress was very poor, and he knew it.

So, one day he stops seeing the

psychoanalyst and decides to try

something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former

psychoanalyst meets his old client in

the supermarket, and is surprised to

find him looking well-rested, energetic,

and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's

amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst

says. "you seem to be doing much better.

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says

enthusiastically, "and he cured me in

just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is

a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks.

"How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut

the legs off of my bed."

A psychologist was walking along a

Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle

poking up through the sand. Opening it,

he was astonished to see a cloud of

smoke and a genie smiling at him.
"For your kindness," the genie said, "I

will grant you one wish!" The

psychologist paused, laughed, and

replied, "I have always wanted a road

from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few

minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry,

but I can't do that! Think of all the

pilings needed to hold up the highway

and how long they'd have to be to reach

the bottom of the ocean. Think of all

the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting

to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist.

Make me understand my patients. What

makes them laugh and cry, why are they

temperamental, why are they so difficult

to get along with, what do they really

want? Basically, teach me to understand

what makes them tick!"

The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did

you want two lanes or four?"

One behaviorist to another after

"Darling, that was wonderful for you.

How was it for me?"

How do you tell the difference between

the staff and the inmates at a

psychiatric hospital?
The patients get better and leave.
Not everyone of the patients thinks he

is God.
The staff have the keys!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a

set of curtains!
Pull yourself together, man!
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a

Well, just go home and if the feeling

persists, give me a ring.

Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a

Don't let people push you around.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm

Who said that?!

Doctor, doctor, nobody understands me.
What do you mean by that?

Doctor, doctor, People keep ignoring me!

Doctor, doctor, No one believes a word I

Tell me the truth now, what's your REAL


Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of

I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me

I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing

Take these pills for a week; if that

doesn't work I'll have a color TV!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a

Sit there and don't stir.

Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer

up. Calm...

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get

into fights.
And how long have you had this

Who wants to know?

Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one

minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm

And how long have you had this

What complaint?

Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!
No problem. Hop up on the couch.

Doctor, doctor, I feel like a small

You do look a little pail.

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds

to live.
Wait a minute please.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears.
Don't answer!

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm

under such a lot of stress, I keep

losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.


Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a

Lie down on the couch and I'll examine

I can't, I'm not allowed on the


How psychiatrists do it...
Psychiatrists do it on the couch.
Psychiatrists think they do it.
Psychiatrists do it for at least fifty

dollars per session.

How many psychologists does it take to

change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself

when it's ready.
Just one, but the light bulb really has

to want to change.
Just one, but it takes nine visits.
How many psychiatrists does it take to

change a light bulb?
"How long have you been having this

"Why does the light bulb necessarily

have to change?"
One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.

How many psychoanalysts does it take to

change a light bulb?
"How many do you think it takes?"

After 12 years of therapy, my

psychoanalyst said something that

brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No

hablo Ingles."Ronnie Shakes (via

Frederic Patterson)

A man walks into his psychiatrist's

office and claims he suffers from CDO.
His doctor looks puzzled and asks what

he means.
It's like OCD but everything has to be

in alphabetical order!

Emma Carter

There a naked guy, and he wraps himself

in Saran wrap and goes to see a

psychologist. He walks in, and the

doctor says "Well, I can clearly see

you're nuts!"

Jose Jalapeno

Two psychologists pass each other in the

hallway. One says to the other, "Hello!"

After they pass, the second says to

himself, "I wonder what he *meant* by

that?"Jon James

I told my psychiatrist that I was

talking to myself. I was surprised when

he replied,
"That's o.k.. Just hold a mobile phone

by your mouth."

Robert D Dangoor

The head psychiatrist decides it's time

to see whether some patients are ready

to leave the "hospital" so he takes one

to a room where there is a large, empty

swimming pool, and a diving board

overhanging it.

He takes the patient to the edge of the

board and says: "Jump!" The patient

jumps and breaks both his legs and is

carried away.

The next patient is taken up and after

the same injunction, jumps and breaks

both her arms and is carried away.

The last patient is taken up and told to

jump and he refuses.

The head psychiatrist says,

"Congratulations! You have passed the

test, and are free to leave, but tell me

out of curiosity why you refused to

jump." The patient replies, "I can't