Dear Burt,

I think sometimes that things are allowed to happen in our lives so that worse things won't happen! Or that certain paths HAVE to be taken. This was true for me.

I experienced emotional arrest, and some brain damage at an early age, which of course affected every subsequent year of my life. The two years of weekly sexual abuse from people of both sexes (week days only) stuffed up my whole attitude to sex and especially men and women in general. As a result, I never had close friends of either gender - never went on a date with either gender, and never had a relationship that lasted. (In fact, never had a relationship with anyone until I was 62 years old - and that's the one I wrote poetry about) So I was unable to marry (no sex for me thank you very much!)and of course unable to have children. But this was how it HAD to be in order for me to do what I came here for. I needed no distractions or commitments that would deter me from the agreed path.

I was very angry for years about being 'cheated' of a 'normal life' - but now, as the mist clears, I can see that I probably agreed to it all. It made my path straight, and with few detours or branch-offs to take me in the wrong direction away from my purpose, which demanded single-mindedness and a hermit-type existence.

You see, this is what I am dealing with now - the ANGER I buried. That anger was NEVER taken out, or directed at others. It was all directed at myself.

I wrote this to someone, once - can't remember who or when, but it is the truth I learned about myself, and the anger I buried which became self disgust and disease:

Moral of the story, if bad things happen to you, don't plant them (bury the hurt and anger) in your soul's garden. They will take root over the years and flourish like deadly weeds in your body!


I reckon I've packed about ten lives into this one - (people look at me like I'm telling porkies when I relate the places I've been; things I've done; (different work, different leisure activities, different realities) the common response goes something like this: "Crikey, how many MORE things have you been and done - how OLD did you say you are?!"

It's sort of funny really.

But we all have those experiences which we wish we'd not done, and things we are now ashamed of. Anyone who says they haven't are either lying, or in denial, or they have not LIVED! These are our greatest learning experiences. These are the not-so-nice milestones which, to be honest, HELPED to bring us to where we are now!

These 'dark patches' also give us understanding and compassion for others who are still at that point in their learning. We know how it was, and we don't judge or condemn. We might even be able to reach out a hand to help, having 'been there - done that' and come out on the other side.

I found that pain and suffering can be transformed into something you can use to help, and even heal others. We can 'turn it around' so to speak, and use our own pain as a constructive tool for good. I learned this secret in my 50's, and even though I live with constant pain, it still inspires me to create something beautiful. Without the pain and suffering, I doubt I'd have done any of it, - I'd have been too busy doing other things!

It is possible when you transform it into love. Love that is active. We all must choose the way most suited to our talents, as the instrument, or vehicle of that love. It's different for each soul. I have a website which contains my 'creations' of love, and that raises funds for the Dog Rescue Groups to which I belong, and their works of love. My 'instrument' has always been centred in the Arts, including music, writing and art. These gifts were given to me originally to bring me through a life of trauma. Now, the gift is my means of 'giving back' to the Universe.

This has been a marathon post, but I hoped it might help others. Sometimes it is more blessed to open up and share, than to remain in one's little shell of security.

May you all be blessed!