Thank you for starting this thread. I also found this site by Googling "I hate being a mom." I like what one of the other moms said that loving your child and hating being a mother are two different things. I was glad to have her and never felt that I didn't want her. I just hated what it did to me and also that I have to deal with her father for the rest of her childhood at the very least.
I wasn't married when we conceived her and never did marry. I always felt that if I were to have children I would only have them if I was married AND to a man who would be very involved with the children. When that wasn't the case and I got pregnant because the birth control failed, I was miserable. I was 34 and very career-oriented. I also always saw myself as self-sufficient and very independent.
Now I feel trapped. I live 1500 miles away from my family and I can't leave the state I live in. Her father is very difficult. When I found out I was pregnant I wanted to just leave and move back home to be with my family. They are very supportive and wanted to help me. However, I was raised by a single mom and always wished I had my dad around. Because of this I decided to tell him about the pregnancy even though I wanted nothing more to do with him personally. (We had broken up before I knew I was pregnant.) He was ecstatic and begged me not to go. He asked if we could try things out here together. I relented and now wish I never told him.
I feel so alone because I don't get enough help. We both work full time but he is gone a lot with his numerous hobbies. When I ask for some time alone he frets and makes me feel bad. I don't care. I still go. But I don't feel like it's enough. I've tried joining several moms groups but I haven't made any strong connections. I live in a large metropolitan area and everyone is so spread out. Plus they are all busy with their own lives. It's not like I can call them at the drop of a hat and say, "Hi. Can you take care of her for a while?" when I feel overwhelmed.
I desperately want to be near my family but her father is absolutely against it and I think it's too late for that anyway. She's 5 years old now and is very attached to him even though she doesn't spend a lot of time with him. She does see him during the week when he picks her up from daycare. She spends about an hour a day with him M-F. I have her the rest of the time. (We live separately and she lives with me.)
I'm just so frustrated! It's very expensive to live here and he won't let me leave. I talked to a lawyer and he said that her father could stop me from taking her out of the state. He has to agree to let me leave. I struggle all the time and barely make ends meet and don't have the emotional support I need. It's terrible because I know I take it out on her sometimes and I feel awful. I hate yelling at her. I love her so much and am doing everything I can to give her a good life but her father makes it so difficult.
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!