(...)I hate that my once beautiful living room suite looks like it's been dragged through the dirt and my once clean coffee table is now covered in fingerprints. It's hard to be a mom when you're a neat freak and like being spontaneous (...) I love my son. I really do. I would do anything for him. And in all of my anger and frustration, I have never blamed him. I know he is innocent and I'm going to do my best to hide my feelings from him. I don't want him to grow up thinking his mom doesn't love him. (...) I just hold on to the fact that a lot of what frustrates me about being a mom is all temporary. My son is 10 months old. I hate that I can't effectively communicate with him and he understand me. I hate that I have to carry him everywhere. I hate that he can't even feed himself. I hate changing diapers. Now that he is older and can do a FEW things for himself, I'm not quite as frustrated as I was when he was a newborn. At least now, he responds to me. I just hope as he ages, these feelings will go away.(...)
Sicksophie, I relate to every word you say.
First of all, it is great that you are able to separate your son from your resentment. I have also managed to do that. Somehow I also learned from the beginning not "to take it personal". They can't help being babies. That is a very big accomplishment, and not everybody can do it!
Second, one of the most depressing things for me when I got pregnant, was also the chaos in households with kids. My husband is also a neat freak, so we have always avoided that baby stuff invades the whole apartment. When he couldn't walk, he had a little corner with a blanket and a couple of toys in the living room, never too cluttered. Since he can walk, the little corner is gone, his toys stay in his room, if he drags cars, trucks, books, etc out of his room, they must be back in his room when he is not playing anymore. He knows that the big toys are not allowed in the living room, for example, and he won't even try. And he only eats in the kitchen. It is never too soon to start with a little discipline. He knew all this things before he was one. And kids love when they know what to expect, so, it has never really been a tantrum-generator lol.
My son is 2 years 6 months old, and I can tell you, your hopes are really realistic. It gets better. My son is starting to talk and that is fun. He has been in day care part-time for over a year now. He is a lot more independent, he understands when I talk and I understand what he means. He has always been an easy going kid (no colics, a lot of time sleeping, thank God, I might have ended in a mental institutions if that hadn't been the case), and if he occasionally throws a tantrum, I know his reasons, I've learned to avert them, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to, so hang in there.
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