I just had to say that it is so nice to come here sometimes and see that I am not alone in the way I'm feeling. I don't tell anyone how I feel because I'm afraid they will think I'm some sort of monster. I think it's a shame to have to feel that way. No one can really help how they feel. And as long as you don't intentionally harm your child, you are not a bad person. Even though others would think I'm a horrible person for the way I feel, I don't. I wish more than anything that I was like these mothers who just loooooove being a mommy. But I don't. I hate it. I hate the fact that I can't do what I want when I want to. I hate all the crying and screaming and poopy diapers. I hate that my once beautiful living room suite looks like it's been dragged through the dirt and my once clean coffee table is now covered in fingerprints. It's hard to be a mom when you're a neat freak and like being spontaneous. Now I've realized the only spontaneity you get when you have a kid is....Oh you have plans to go out, but you spontaneously have to stay home because the babysitter canceled at the last minute. That's spontaneity when you're a mom. *sighs* I love my son. I really do. I would do anything for him. And in all of my anger and frustration, I have never blamed him. I know he is innocent and I'm going to do my best to hide my feelings from him. I don't want him to grow up thinking his mom doesn't love him. It's really tough though. But I have slowly learned to just make peace with the way I feel and do the best I can to hide it. It's like having a job that you really really hate, but loving your co-workers. I just hold on to the fact that a lot of what frustrates me about being a mom is all temporary. My son is 10 months old. I hate that I can't effectively communicate with him and he understand me. I hate that I have to carry him everywhere. I hate that he can't even feed himself. I hate changing diapers. Now that he is older and can do a FEW things for himself, I'm not quite as frustrated as I was when he was a newborn. At least now, he responds to me. I just hope as he ages, these feelings will go away.
All of you other mothers are in my thoughts and I truly hope that things get better and easier for all of us.
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