Everyone will think I am so awful for this, but I hate being a mother. I really hate being a mother. I have three kids and never a moment's peace. I'm currently at work (doing something I shouldn't, but I am feeling down).
My first pregnancy was twins. Because I had no health insurance, I didn't know it was twins until I was four months pregnant. When I saw the ultrasound, I cried for two weeks straight because I knew my life was over and it was too late for selective abortion in my eyes. I cried so hard in the doctor's office, they sent me outside to calm down. I didn't want twins. I didn't ask for that. Who the hell asks to have two babies at once? I wanted ONE. Just one, but no, God thought that was a funny plan and decided to plant two instead of one.
When they were a little over 1 year old, I was at the doctor's office for birth control to get off the "mini-pill" from nursing and I was two weeks too late. Another baby girl. I had to work until two weeks before delivery and I took care of the twins while pregnant...all of this by myself because daddy was out getting drunk, so I kicked him out. After she was born, I was put on medication for a year and all it did was numb me to the point of not caring. Therapy did nothing. The therapists agreed: yup, your life sucks, and it won't get any better any time soon.
Their dad has been a complete [censored] from the beginning. I had to do all the work and all the planning. He's come and gone. I kept taking him back because I have no choice. It's either some help or nothing. I have had to sacrifice everything that made me happy as an individual. I lost two years of my life by having to stay home because childcare was more expensive than my weekly pay. I lost my career of choice in the sciences where I excel and thrive and have lost all credibility there. I lost my ability to get my master's. I don't get enough sleep. they won't leave me alone to exercise. I can't eat the foods I like because I have to cook for picky eaters (meaning I want nothing but vegetables and they eat everything BUT vegetables no matter how many times I try). I never have any time or money for myself and it is the same [censored] every day...drop off the kids, go to work, pick up the kids, go home. there's no money for anything else. Their dad is hardly ever around and has to work out of town all the time, so I'm always doing it alone. I can't even go for a walk if I want. And I even had to give up my cat because they're all allergic, who was my only friend when I was down. When I dropped her off, their father wasn't even sympathetic. It's just expected of me to give up everything and be a slave to everyone in the house.
I'm sick and tired of sacrificing every part of me. Their dad hasn't given up a single thing; his life hasn't changed a bit. He's the fun parent while I do all the f'n work. I have begged him for some freedom, tried to coerce him, and even threatened him. I fear that I will snap if I don't get some freedom. I feel like a prisoner in my own house and I just want to be myself for a little while, not mom all the time. But every goal I try to set gets dashed. Every moment of peace I try to find gets taken away. I want to run away, but what's the point? My body has been deformed from having two large twins and a sumo baby. There's no money for me to go anywhere. Noone would take me in if they knew I abandoned my family. I am so trapped and I hate my life.
I have tried to find joy in my life the way it is. I just don't see it anymore. I cry every time I have to go home and that sucks. It's just the endless chores that I am required to do day in and day out. I play with them and smile and laugh with them, read them stories, do my duties and tell them I love them, but that's all it is. After they go to bed, I have to clean up the mess and prepare for the next day. There's no time for anything else. I hate it.
I wish I could start over. I've even considered dropping my kids off for adoption to do just that. But I'm considered a monster for thinking such things. I love my kids, but I can't stand being their mother. It's too demanding and I've been pushed too far. I've lost too much at this point and I want it back. Noone seems to understand my frustration and anger, which makes me feel more bitter and angry. I am all alone in this cruel world.
Well, that's my rant. I feel a little better just getting it out.
Time to go. I have to start the "second shift". Yay.