I'm pregnant with my second child. My first is three years old now and I love her, but I really don't like being a mom. I've never told my husband this. He would be mortified as he loves kids and wants many but I just don't.
I grew up as an only child with a unloving and very emotionally unpredictable mother. One miniature she'd be laughing, the next yelling or crying. I have never known my father. I don't even know the rest of my relatives with the exception of my grandparents who live far away. My mother paid me little attention, perfecting to bring various boyfriends she was dating in and out if our house all my life because she "wanted to be happy and I should just understand."
It is still extremely hard for me to be close to anyone for fear of being rejected. I've never had many friends, even til this day. The friends I do have, I don't tell anything personal about myself like this to.
I just don't know what I am supposed to do with a child. I no have zero experience in that area. When my daughter was born, I just carried her around and took care her but I didn't know how to interact with her so I didn't talk to her much. I know that sounds terrible but it's true.
I walk around acting like everything is fine, but inside I just constantly feel like I am such a failure. I can see that I haven't interacted enough with my daughter because she acts different then other children and doesn't play with them. I live in a vary small isolated place, and my husband is gone for work until next year so I am alone. We don't have neighbors with children my daughters age, nor do we live in a very nice neighborhood. The playgroup I did used to take her to was canceled. It is the rainy season here so no one is outside. I am not in the states.
As I read the posts in this topic it brought tears to my eyes though I haven't cried in months. It was as if some if the posts where straight out of my own thoughts. I can't tell anyone here how I feel because it is such a small community and the comments and stairs I would get would be unbearable to me. Even the look on someones face if I where to say it, doctors or nurses included. For many people, it's like the unthinkable thing for a woman to say, that she hates being a mother.
Maybe it is only because it is difficult for me, and that is why I don't like it. I don't know, but either way it is killing me inside.
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