BellaOnline Forums Family Moms Need support - I hate being a mom

I've been reading this thread for a couple of days now, wanted to comment. I too hate most of motherhood. I love my kids, but am overwhelmed with the soul crushing monotony & routine. Ironically, I fought hard to have kids: 3.5 years of infertility treatments that almost didn't work. Our last IVF cycle resulted in a twin pregnancy I was able to carry to term. Our family was finally complete. My twins are now three, and I struggle every day to meet their basic needs in a loving manner. I am constantly grumpy, impatient and frustrated with perfectly normal toddler behavior. To add icing to the cake, I'm now 23 weeks pregnant. Doctors told us we'd never get pregnant on our own, much less with our own eggs, so I wasn't as careful with birth control as I should have been. I wanted to have an abortion, but my husband said "no way," so here I am, pregnant with a child I really don't want. I would give the baby up for adoption, but again, husband says no. To illustrate what a horrible person I am, every day I hope for a miscarriage. After battling infertility and having miscarriages I know what an awful, awful thought that is, but I can't help it. I am beyond trapped. Before I got pregnant I was able to look forward and see my twins growing to be more independent, but now all I see is that I have to start over with another baby at age 40. I'm exhausted all the time and it's only going to get worse. Every day is a struggle just to maintain & function. I spend a lot of time crying, and am not the mother I want to be to my twins. Their dad is a wonderful dad, but works 60-70 hours a week and travels a lot, so they're stuck with me for most of the time. I do have help from a babysitter 6 to 10 hours a week, but it never feels like enough. If I had the money, I'd have a full time nanny & let her handle the kids. Medication will be an option after the baby is born and if I wean early, but bottom line: a pill isn't going to change my situation. As much as I try to find options, there are none. This is my life and there's nothing I can do about it. I liked the earlier commenters saying to "bloom where you're planted," and I will certainly try to do so. It's not likely to work, though, when every day is a struggle just to not fall apart, much less have a positive attitude. I have so many things to be thankful for, it just makes me feel like that much more of a shitheel for not being happy. My kids & husband deserve better and I don't know how to give it to them. I hate my life. It all seems so hopeless. My poor kids.