My mom probably would have fit right in on this thread about hating being a mom, and you know what? I am fine! I love my mom, she loves me, and we are totally ok!
I just wanted all of you moms who do not enjoy parenting to know that you are not destroying your children just because you are bored and depressed, in spite of what some of the lecturing replies on this thread tell you! Of course, you should seek help and support, but I just wanted you to know that you don't have to be perfect in order for your kids to be fine.
My mom was terribly depressed when we were kids, BUT WE HAD NO IDEA. She faked it, and it worked! She was a stay at home mom, she baked bread, she cleaned the house, cooked meals from scratch, and did all of the physical things that needed to be done. She just seemed busy and serious to me, but not in a bad way. She did not read to us or play with us, but it did not seem strange to me at all. She was there, she loved me, she took care of me. I felt safe and loved. I was independent, and I played quietly by myself a lot, creating little worlds with toys, and reading a lot of books.
Much later, when I was an adult, she told me that back then, she thought about suicide, was very depressed, and felt trapped. This does not seem odd to me because it is absolutely how I would feel if I had kids (which I never will, for that reason).
All of this is, of course, sad, but it does not change the fact that she loves me, so it does not make me feel unloved. I am almost 40 and my brother is older. She has said that she felt terribly guilty about the whole thing, and we were shocked. I couldn't see what there was to feel guilty about. She (and my dad, who also does not enjoy children but is a great dad) did everything they needed to do for us. I think back in the 60s-70s, people were not as overwrought about feeling the need to read 10 bedtime stories to kids and play games with them and do constant activities. That is more of a contemporary thing. Many of us grew up without this level of attention and we are fine!
One thing I will say: My parents hardly ever fought, and they are still happily married, but on the couple of occasions that there was tension between them, that was a lot more stressful to me than being left to entertain myself! My best friend's parents were much more doting than mine, but her parents went through a horrible divorce, and she was so much worse off than I was for a long, long time.
My parents were very strict disciplinarians because they did not enjoy dealing with kids being gross at the dinner table, disobeying, etc. Again, this did not seem odd to me at all, and I was very turned off by kids I knew who were allowed to walk all over their parents. My parents never hit me, but they were extremely firm and I almost never stepped out of line. My home seemed like a very calm place because I knew what was expected of me.
We were also not breastfed, because my mom found the idea horrifying, and we are totally fine. We are both extremely healthy and did well in school, my brother is a competitive athlete, and I have an advanced degree.
So, please, on top of the fact that you are depressed and do not enjoy parenting, do not drown in guilt. I wish I could go back in time and tell my young mom that I would be fine.
I really feel for all of you and I am so glad you found a place here for support. I think all of the people who have posted here just to lecture you are missing the point. I wish my mom had had something like this when we were kids.
I could thank you every second of every day for this post for the next 100 years and it would still not express the gratitude I feel. I really feel a lot better after reading this. Thank you thank you THANK YOU!!!!
Signed: 30 year old frustrated first time single mother of a 5 month old
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!