I'm so sorry for your struggles. :( I hope you will find support here on the forum. Certainly, you can see that you're not alone. I think you should of course follow your heart. Perhaps being a SAHM mom isn't for you, and maybe that's something to give some serious thought?
I'm not a mom, but regardless of what someone is going through, I always like to remind people to remind themselves of what they're thankful for. So long as one's brain chemistry is functioning properly (serotonin, etc), this little gratitude exercise can really give one a boost. If your brain chemistry is off, exercise (at least 10 min of high-intensity daily), sunshine (especially in the morning), fish oil, vitamin D, good sleep, and high-nutrient foods all greatly help.
I know there are a lot of moms who would think it an absolute luxury to get to stay home with their little one in the comfort of their home. Perhaps you can sit down with a list, write down what you're thankful for, and also think of additional things that might add fun, joy and laughter to your day? It could be something as simple as going outside to smell the roses with your son, taking a short walk, listening to music that inspires or relaxes you, learning to play an instrument, etc. Once you have a grasp on the things that bring you a sprinkle of joy during the day, find a way to incorporate them into your daily or weekly routine. Write this routine out and look at it daily - it can be your little happiness reminder. :)
Your can also add your daily tasks to this routine, such as waking up and unloading the dishwasher. Routines help to create a sense of well-being in our lives. So, instead of doing things haphazardly, find a way to turn your tasks into a routine. FlyLady.com has lots of great tips for this!
Also, this may sound silly, but remind yourself to smile. When we smile, our brains are actually "tricked" into thinking we're happy...and, we in turn, feel happier. :)
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