[quote=Spirituality&SFFMoviesEd]I was thinking about the "it takes a village" thing, too. People are so mobile these days. Families don't grow up right next door to their parents and grandparents anymore (well, sometimes - but not as much as in the past). Many couples live clear across the continent from any family members. And we feel like we are imposing by asking neighbors or friends to help out. Even churches are not as helpful as they should be in many cases.[/quote]
That is the truth. We live on the other side of the country from any of my or my husband's family. There are neighbors on my block, but everyone all lives in their own little worlds, pre-occupied by their own lives.
My family can't take a several-hour plane trip across country just to visit of babysit for the evening; and I don't feel comfortable knocking on the door of someone who is at best an acquaintence and saying: "Hi, I don't even know your name, but can you babysit my kids for the evening?"
My biggest problem with motherhood has been I never bonded to my children.
My first pregnancy was unplanned (and as some might see from my previous posts I assumed birth control which had worked faithfully for years would continue to work) I had a lot to struggle with. I never felt any connection to my first-born from the moment I realized I was pregnant. The contraceptives I was on eliminated my period, so I had no indication other than weight gain until I started to show definative pregnancy signs.
Being pregnant got me passed by for a lucrative promotion, which left a very bitter taste in my mouth. My husband wanted to keep our child, so we decided not to put him up for adoption. Religion-wise, abortion was not an option. I was not ready for a child emotionally.
I knew that bonding would be an issue, so I started going to counseling -- both through my Church and through a normal shrink. I took parenting classes, and I tried to be prepared in every way possible. After my son was born I had a tubal. I waited the healing time before "doing the deed" again. I followed the precautions. I didn't want any more children as I was already struggling with relating to him.
Long and short: My tubal failed, I got pregnant again.
I do better with my second child than my first, but I still don't relate well to either of them. I feel bad for my first son because he's probably had the brunt of my motherhood frustrations put on him.
For a while, my husband and I lived apart after my first son was born. I just couldn't be around him. Though I was still going to counseling, everything I did in the sessions went out the window as soon as I got home. I realized it was best my husband and I put some distance between us so my son could grow up in a stable environment, and not have to deal with someone like me.
My husband and I didn't get a divorce, and I didn't officially sign over custody, but even now that we're living together again it's rough. I don't mind doing the physical needs stuff: laundry, changing the younger's diapers, cleaning the house, picking up toys, that sort of stuff... but the emotional aspect: snuggles, storytime, playtime: I can't fake it well enough to even fool a three-year old.
My husband and I don't want a divorce, but our relationship has definately been strained. My family has essentially ostracized me for my non-maternal views, and refuses to speak to me until I "love my babies." It's not that I don't love my children...
I just don't love being their mother :-(
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!