MommyNC - reading your post, I don't think your issues lie as much with your children, as it does with being in an abusive relationship.
I have a feeling that if you and your children could be on your own (with addequate support) - you guys would be just fine. The majority of your depression seems to be brought on by your spouse, not your children.
Like many abused women, your anger and rage needs to go somewhere - you are terrified of taking it out on your husband, so the net logical target is you kids. They can't beat back on you like he can. But they need your protacetion as well.
The besst thing you could ever do for yourself and your children would be to leave. If after you flee and get into the system, you might considere giving up your children for adoption - but I would be willing to bet you would want to keep hole of them without their father's insanity around.
Get some abused spouse coounseling - this could be the step that might change your life.
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