sometimes when i put him to sleep in his crib i wonder if my life could go back to the way it was if he didn't wake up. this is very hard for me to write, i hate myself for feeling this way. i think maybe i am being punished for something, maybe the way i treated someone or maybe for not appreciating the little things.
I really worry about you with these statements.
I know not every Mom that is unhappy suffers from PostPartum Depression, but these are what I call "bile black pit thoughts". The reason I call them that, is because I have had similar thoughts, and I suffer from Clinical Depression (not just post partum but all the time) and I feel like I'm in a bile black pit when these types of thoughts are running in my head.
I am worried that you might hurt yourself or your baby without even meaning to, just one of those moments when he is crying and won't stop. My youngest did one of those days - in order to keep from shaking him - I laid him in his crib while he kept screaming, and I locked myself in the laundry room and called my husband and told him he HAD to come home. He did, immediately, because I was hysterical on the phone.
You say your family won't let you give him up for adoption. Do you live with them? Are they close enough to you that they can come to your aid like my husband did? If not, then for the safety of the child AND you, there may not be a choice BUT adoption. Forgiveness is a funny thing. Yes they will be angry at first, but eventually they will forgive you. Especially if they understand that you feared for the babies safety because of your mindset.
Please talk to your doctor or a counselor about PPD. I am NOT suggesting you ask them for medications, I think you should ask for counseling 1st and see what the therapist thinks and what you get out of that first.
I hope all goes well for you, whether you keep your baby or not.
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