I read through this whole thread yesterday and haven't been able to get it out of my head. I am on the opposite end of the sprectrum in that I love being a mom. I have 5 kids and have homeschooled them their whole lives. I miscarried 3 children and it breaks my heart to this day not to still have them. My husband and I have often discussed adopting from China. Our children are our greatest joy. My heart breaks that you moms are unable to know and experience this with your own child. I don't say that with any sense of criticism, because I can tell your struggles are very real.
I am thankful for each of you who came forward and had the courage to share how you feel. I want to encourage each of you mothers not to just stop with sharing here. But, to keep seeking help. You both are saying things that raise a lot of red flags about your safety and the safety of your child. If counseling didn't work - find new counselors. If your doctors don't understand - keep talking to them until they do - or find a new one. Find support groups. But, don't sit at home with your children resenting them and hating your life. Please, get help!
Jenny T - you seem to waver back and forth between wanting your child and not wanting your child. It sounds like the reasons you don't want your child are partly depression (and it is VERY possible to still have postpartum depression after 2 years - the thoughts of killing yourself & your child are a huge indicator of that). But, it also sounds like you and your husband just really don't want to be parents.
Have you done all you can to further explore WHY that is? Talk to your doctors - your family doc; your OB; your child's pediatrician - and tell them how you feel. Maybe you act like youï¿½re a happy mom around friends, but don't do that with your doctors. Tell them how you really feel. Ask for help.
Many new parents have unrealistic expectations of what their child is capable of. Depression can affect that, but also can lack of parenting skills or lack of nurturing skills. A 2yo is just beginning to explore the world and understand how it ticks. They are not trying to be disobedient, but are trying to test things out and see what happens. A 5yo is still learning about hygiene habits. Heck - I've seen adults leave public restrooms without washing their hands. Itï¿½s important that you talk regularly to your childï¿½s pediatrician and understand the capabilities of your child for their age. And, also recognize that this capability can have a huge margin from one end of the spectrum to the other.
Like I said ï¿½ I have 5 kids. They all potty trained at different ages. One learned when he was 2 and was totally trained within a week. Another didnï¿½t even want to try until he was 4 but, he learned in a day. The other three took several years of trying and having accidents before they were fully trained. My first 2 kids were very calm and easy to take care of. My 3rd child screamed when he didn't get his way. My 4th child was our very high maintenance wild one and the most difficult to raise in his toddler and preschool years. My last child is more a mix of the first three. The point is ï¿½ every child is unique and different, so you have to learn about your childï¿½s personality and develop the parenting skills to cope and nurture her.
How? Take parenting skills classes; read books on parenting; join parenting groups. Learn as much as you can.
Jenny T - I hate to say it, because the thought of giving up on parenthood is so sad - but it you TRULY can't envison you and your husband enjoying raising your little girl - then I agree that adoption is a more selfless way to go ï¿½ and probably healthier for your child. Many adoption agencies can help you find parents who would love her.
But, it is a permanent decision...so if you are feeling the way you do because of depression or because of not having a good support system in place to help you guys learn how to be new parents..then that should be further explored. Because there is hope and help for that. And, I'd hate to see you give up on your child when there is help for you.
The bottom line is your child's safety, health and happiness have to be the priority. It's dangerous to be alone with your child if you are having thoughts of death. If any of you moms are having thoughts of hurting yourself or your child or have already done things that have hurt them ï¿½ you need to get help pronto. When you are facing such serious issues, it is dangerous to stay home all day alone with your child, feeling how you do. You need someone present with you or should put your child in a safe place like daycare or with friends until you can get those thoughts and urges under control. Whether itï¿½s verbal or physical abuse - please donï¿½t delay seeking help because you are embarrassed or worried you will be judged. Your childï¿½s safety is paramount. Your safety is paramount. It's better to be honest and seek help than to stay quiet and do something you will regret forever.
If you really hate being a mom - please don't try to cope all alone. Talk to professionals and family and friends whose guidance you TRUST and build a support system around you and your child.
We take forum safety very seriously here at BellaOnline. Please be sure to read through our Forum Guidelines. Let us know if you have any questions or comments!