RNS, babyquaker, MomsPaula and all, when I saw all these replies, I don't know what to say, but tears come into my eyes. I never imagine I could get so much support, and most importantly understanding from this forum. Sometimes I thought I am such a "selfish, terrible" mother that I really don't deserve any empathy.
I tried to change like MomsPaula told me, but doing that, is like if forcing a vegitarian to eat chicken. I can definitely change, but that's not natual, I will (at least from what I can see now) never enjoy my life like you do, because what I want is fundamentally different from what I got. That's fine, because we need to accept what life gave us, so like MomsPaula says, bloom where you are planted should be our principle. But the thing is, I feel I do have a choice, and that is Adoption. If I can do this, then it seems like everything will get back on track.
Believe me, I have given so much thought about adoption that I can write a book about it. I actually agreen with RNS, and babyquaker, I believe children will be so happier if the adopted family can provide the love and stability they need. I am the birth mother, but I don't think I am the best person to raise her. 95% of the birth parents feel the unconditional love for their children, and that's the "right match". But like me, the rest of the 5% feel we don't feel the connection, so it's better for someone who have that kind of love to give to the baby. To me, that's unselfish. Because till today, I don't think my daughter is "mine", I just want her to be happy, even that means she is raised by someone else. and of course, then I will be happy.
So if things permitted, I will, Yes, I will absolutely go with adoption. But I'm being selfish, by not letting this happen. Because I don't wnat to be judged and I want to be seen as having a normal life. I am from an Asian family, my husband's family will probably disown us if we do adoption. They have been taking care of the baby for a while now, they are very attached to her. So I don't want to hurt them. I do feel trapped, many times I almost want to kill myself and the baby. My husband and I were thinking if we go with adoption, we will have to lie that my baby die from accident. and I can't do that, because I will go crazy if i keep a lie like that forever. I talked to a conselor before, she doesn't seem to think the lying part is a big problem. She feels if we want, we should do it. I don't agree, keeping that kind of lie will eventually distroy myself. So because I just want to be a normal person, we decided to keep the baby. This, is what I called being selfish. adoption, to me is a better option for the baby.
So just to tell you what my life is like now, when I go home, I do all my duties. My hubby and I are still disoriented, meaning we don't know what to hope for for every day, we just live a day at a time. We used to have plans, and get excited about them. but now, since our lives are around the baby world, we're just doing what we're supposed to. and when I am by myself, i just can't keep thinking about all the options to keep our life style unchanged, for example, find a full time nanny to be her mom, or a weekend day care to drop her off. I mean I feel truly terrible to think about this, because I should be her mom, and I should be with her most of the time and let the nanny do the chores if any. But I rather do all teh house work, but let someone else watch her. Again, I am sooooo jealous of ppl who enjoy life, with kids or not, as long as that's what you want.
LOL, i think if anyone who want to write a research paper for this topic, I can be the perfect case study.
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