BellaOnline Forums Relationships Bereavement Where should a remarried widower be buried?

OK I need some help. I'm a 56 year old remarried widower. I was married to my first wife at 19 and we were married for 25 years before she passed away (breast cancer) at 43. I met my second wife less than a year later. We dated for almost 3 years before we married. I love her very much. We each have 3 grown children and now we have 3 granchildren with a fourth on the way. We've been married for almost 9 years now. I love and treat all of our children the same as if they were my own. Here's the problem. About 3 months before my 1st wife passed away I purchased a double burial space. It seemed to be a pretty obvious decision at the time. Last month we went on vacation to a place where my first wife and I had vacationed more than 25 years ago. Several times during the week we went sight seeing to places where my first wife and I had visited. Frankly it had been the only vacation that my first wife and I ever had alone together. The week that we came home an older family member passed away and the wake was held at the same funeral home where my first wife had been waked. two of my kids were there and we started talking about something funny that happened at my wife's wake and yes there were a few tears. Now my wife had declared that she has been very patient but that she has "Had it" with the memory of my first wife. She suddenly feels like I love my first wife more and her and that she doesn't want me to be buried with my first wife. She says that she feels that she is only "borrowing" me becuase when I die I'm going to go "back" to my first wife. I deeply love my wife, but I really believe that she is being unreasonable. I really couldn't care less where my body goes when I die but I think that it would really upset my children if I am not intered with their Mother. My Wife knew way back when we were dating that I was planning to be buried with my wife. In fact I always felt that this would be fine since my Wife wants to be cremated and have her ashes spread at a site in the ocean near where we live. Cremation is just not something that I would ever want for myself but I respect her wishes and I'm fine with that. Now she says that she would re-consider cremation if I agreed to be buried with her. I know this is a "voice of Women" Forum but that's OK I really would like to get some unbiased feedback She hasn't spoke to me in a week over this and I believe that it is close to breaking us up. Frankly I am not very happy that she would turn something that was clearly articulated 12 years ago into a make or break issue now. I will always love my first wife but that has nothing to do with my Love for my Wife. I mean when you have a second child you don't stop loving your first one right? What do you think? Widower 52

I feel that when someone dies, it is not where their body lies, but where their soul journeys that is important. Your present wife is hurt because she loves you and wants to keep you to herself, not share you with the past. Your children would be hurt if you were not "resting" together with their mother. I empathize with your situation and can feel the hurt and confusion on all sides there.

I think what your present wife is feeling now, about all the memories from your life with your first wife are being thrown at her and she is feeling a little like second place, pushed aside. You and her have committed to a life together and her importance in your life is (according to her) a little shaky right now.

The way I believe, none of this will matter when you are all in Heaven for the spirits will have nothing to forgive or be hurt about. All will be well at that time. The problem is the ones left here on Earth and how they feel.

It might be wise for you and your present wife to have some counseling with someone whom you both like and trust. Do you belong to a church? Are you both of the same religion? Do you know someone outside the family that you both could talk to? Some couseling on this issue may really help you, your wife and your children.

Personally, I feel your first wife is at peace and it does not matter to her where you are laid to rest for she will be with you when you pass over. The real issue is your present wife and how she feels. This is what must be resolved. Your children must understand that this is an issue between you and your present wife.

If it would please your children to have just your plague with engraving on it next to their mother after you pass on then maybe they would not mind that you will be laid to rest by your present wife. But - what if your present wife remarries after you are gone? Then where would she want to be buried? With you or her new husband?

No one can really give you an answer to this delemma. This is something you need to get some good advice and counseling on before you make a definite decision.

I hope there is some help for you in what I have written.

This is such a hard situation.

I just returned from a funeral, and it reminded me of how many emotions and memories are stirred up; not only of the one that was just lost - but of others that have previously gone before. There IS no other place or atmosphere that is the same as a funeral, so being at one naturally brings back memories of others.

I do think, however, that in choosing to have a vacation in the same spot as you did with your previous wife may not have been the wisest of choices.

It is very important for you to create NEW memories with your new wife. Memories that have no lingering shadows of your first wife. She needs to feel that she is not in competition with a ghost. That there IS no competition. The heart grows with love, the more you give away - the more you have to give.

If she feels she has your undivided love NOW, then she may not be so threatened by where your body rests once you are gone.

Because in reality, the only thing that will be lying beside your 1st wife's remains are bones and tissue - YOU will not be there. (And neither is your 1st wife.)

The funeral and burial is only for the living, not the dead. It is funny, but I had just written an article on this: A Funeral

So above all else, focus on the living for now. Focus on your wife and that relationship. Possibly have a family meeting with her and your children to discuss why this is such a painful subject - but talk to her first. Your children are adults, although they are your children, your first commitment now is to your wife.

Ah, such a difficult situation. There are two sides to this, and I can related to both. Phyllis is right in many ways.

On one hand, your present wife should have accepted the fact that you are a widower with children. Your first wife is a part of you and your children and always will be. She should have accepted that before she married you. It's not that you love your first wife "more" but differently, and all those memories should not be denied. Instead of feeling threatened by the memories of your first wife, she should let you share them with her because they make you happy.

But she isn't as strong as she needs to be as a second wife, I guess.

What if she were the one who was widowed? Would she like it if you insisted she "forget" all about her first husband and the children she produced with him?

As far as your first wife is concerned, she is on the other side where she is more enlightened now. It will not concern her or upset her no matter where you decide to be buried. So, don't worry about her first wife's feelings in that regard.

It is your present wife to whom you must live and please. She knew the deal (you believed she wanted to be cremated) so she should be able to stick with it. But if not, you must ask yourself, "Where do I want to be buried?" You must decide and write it in a will or your present wife will be able to decide for you in case you die unexpectedly and that might cause a lot of problems among your children.

No woman wants to play second fiddle. She wants proof that she is loved best by her husband so I can't blame your second wife for feeling the way she does. But now you must make a choice.

Frankly, IF you really do love your second wife as much as your first wife and don't want to lose her, I would make plans with her. She is your present wife. She is the one to whom you are married now and will be married to upon your death. (Your vows state, "'til death do you part.")

Your first wife will not only understand but give you her blessing, I'm sure. She knows of and feels your love for her and does worry over earthly trifles as to where your bones are buried. She is only concerned about your happiness now. It's your children who need to understand your choice.

God bless.

So many good points have been made in the previous posts. However, something doesn't seem to quite fit. The return to a vacation spot shared with your first wife, and the memories of her funeral may be contributing factors, but I sense something else underlying.

From your post, I infer this situation has arisen somewhat quickly. It's clear you are confused, and that's understandable, since you previously discussed your burial plans. It appears something has instigated in your wife a lack of confidence in the marriage, or possibly her self confidence. This may have been exacerbated by the vacation and the funeral. I would try to think back on anything that preceded these events and any changes in her attitude or behavior. These may have seemed slight and unremarkable at the time, but may have intensified. We all change, but when the changes occur rapidly and intensify, there is an issue, either mental, emotional, or physical.

We women are complicated beings and will sometimes press on one topic, when it is a separate and unrelated topic which is the real problem for us. It may not be possible to uncover what the true issue is, for it may internal, something she may not be conscious of.

Doing what you can to help shore up her self confidence and confidence in the marriage may help her through this. For many of us, it's truly the little demonstrations of love that are really the biggest. A short love note tucked somewhere she will find it during the day, an unexpected bouquet, or a heart felt compliment. I've been married for almost 16 years, and my heart swells when my husband introduces me to someone as "His Bride." I'm the 2nd wife.

I would like to echo the good points that have been made in the previous posts. The feeling of 'borrowing you' has not come out of nowhere. When your wife said those words they had been running around in her head for some time.
The holiday may have been a trigger for unconcious actions and words said over a long period of time.
Your children want their parents together in death.Work with this aspect of the arrangement. Spiritually we move on to a place of eternal love. In our human form- rituals of burials are important.
I notice you signed off 'Widower 52' The question I'd ask is:
Do you see your self as a widower or a married man?
Reflect on the signiture and how this may have impacted on the marriage you have. If your wife is close to breaking away from the marriage- the holiday was a tipping point, but not the reason.

I'm 62. My opinion is to make plans with your current wife. As said before, your kids are adults now and they are not your primary concern. Also, do not visit places as a couple you enjoyed with your first wife. And I agree that though you signed as a widower, you are a married man.

Blessings, Susan

A friend of mine handled it this way...her husband was buried with his first wife and she will be buried with her first husband. It was a matter of economics..they both had purchased double plots just as you did.
However, I do agree sounds like your wife is feeling second best.
Sundancer
www.mikessportingoods.ecrater.com

Thank you all for your responses. They have been helpful but I'll still need to work on it. A couple of clarifications. This was actually the third time that we have been to Hawaii in the last 4 years. The first time was an incentive trip with my company so the location was not our choice. My wife loved it so much that it's the only place that she has wanted to go on vaction. I never refer to myself as a widower. I think that I chose that name because this is a bereavement site and I wanted to kind of set the seen with that title and my YOB. The other thing that I didn't mention is that my wife was not a widow. She was married twice and had children with both husbands. I have to say that she rarely talks about her relationships with them. She thinks that would upset me. I always tell her that it would not because her past is part of who she is and who she has become so it is a part of us. A couple of years ago my oldest stepchild was married and since my wife's second husband had really helped to raise her, both exhusbands and their extended families were invited. We've been to many family events when these extended families were present and I have had no problem at all with that. They are all very nice people and part of who my wife and my step daughters are. We rarely see my first wife's family. I don't think that they were happy that I started dating less than a year after their sister passed. I think that seeing me reminds them of their loss and it's always a bit uncomfortable so I try to keep these visits to a minimum for everyone's sake. Anyway I thank you again for your comments and suggestions. Married Widower 52

I feel that anyone who is in a marriage, regardless if it is the first, second or so on, should give all their attention to that present marriage and the present spouse and let the past lie in peace. True, the past is part of who one is today, but the present and future is what is imperative to a marriage. Each partner must do what they can to let their spouse know who is the most important person in their life.

Blessings to you and I wish you well.

I think you should do what you want to do, and you sound like you want to be buried with your first wife for whatever the reason.

(One question on a slightly different subject), which I've always wondered about - if someone is married more than once, or in love more than once. When they get to the after life, who goes with who? Do you go with your true love? Or is everyone suppossed to be happy and get along with each other?)

The way I've always thought of it, is that our relationship with God is the ultimate relationship.

When we get to heaven, we will all be equal in love and status.

It is a very hard concept to imagine here, because we can't see loving a person we barely know the "same amount" as a spouse whom we spend our lives with.

Phyllis is so wise! I just love her!

When my MIL remarried, she married a man with a past family. He passed away and is buried with his family. My MIL will be buried with my husband's father and her parents.

It depends on the circumstances.

Sure! As long as everyone agrees and is happy. But in this case, there were disagreements and widower has to make a choice.

I agree, in that scenario everyone would have to be in agreement.

Weighing all of the issues here, there are a lot of valid points. I can feel how the second wife is percieving the situation and based on just what I'm getting, I feel at least a good part of this can be validated in feeling she may be walking with her husband in his previous wife's shadow.

If the husband has a double plot and feels strongly about being buried with his first wife, If I was the husband I would ask if my current wife would be against, when her time comes, being burried along side of me in my families plot. I would explain I have a large family and I want to symbolize my connections with my children, previous wife, etc. but that she too is a very large part of my connection in this life and love and want to symbolize that as well.

Me just being me, but I read the poster is against this, I would have myself cremated with two plaques, one with my current wife and one in the family plot. I would ask my ashes to be spread at both sites and knowing me, probably near an ocean or lake - someplace that spoke to me.

Like many of the posters have already written, when you pass, a great deal of the physical hang ups are released. Your personality is in tack, but what seemed to be important or barriers, become almost like a distant dream.

I crossed briefly, only once when I was ill and the sensation is difficult to describe. You know who you are but it's more of the person you were and not the name so much - but it's there. You almost have to recall it. Earth bound issues became more of like trying to remember work when you are in the midst of a vacation. So much for descriptive words...

__________________________

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

Here's another option:

Since your current wife wishes to be cremated, have her ashes tucked in with you when you are buried, then no matter where you are, she will be with you.

That's a great idea. The family would have to see to it that those wishes are carried out. If he passes first, I wonder if she can't just have her ashes burried along side of him w/a plaque or stone. You wouldn't need a full sized plot, would you?

Maybe a place on his stone, like a mantel with a secured urn and her ashes could be placed inside upon her passing.

_________________________

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

Strange, but I have experienced almost exactly what you are asking about. I am 51. My mother passed away at the age of 43 after 26 years of marriage, and my dad also had a double headstone with a plot beside her for the future. My dad was remarried several years later to a woman who was a jewel. She was 6 years older and had never been married before. They were only married for 7 years, when she, too, died of cancer. Dad had promised her he would be buried beside her because she was always concerned about being alone. So, the second double headstone was bought. Dad didn't expect to ever marry again, but it did happen. His predicament was of course, what to do. Dad was blessed with a third jewel of a wife. They are still married (4 years). When they first got married, I decided to confront dad with a question. He had never wanted to be cremated, but with his new wife standing slightly behind him, I said to him, "Dad, you have left us kids with an awful predicament. I know you don't want to be cremated, but at the present, the only fair thing to do would be to have you cremated and divide you three ways." Of course, he laughed and so did she. Then, I told him that the second wife was gone and would not ever wish to put him through such an ordeal. I also told him, that it didn't really matter what he wanted, that I was the oldest child and will probably be the one in charge when he dies. I told him, I didn't know how his present wife feels, but that her children would probably prefer she be buried with their father and that we feel the same way. We would prefer dad be buried beside our mother. My dad's latest wife started shaking her head "yes". I suggested that dad take up the headstone from the grave of his second wife and make it a single, BUT the new stone says"(the 2nd wife's name).....beloved wife of (dad's name). The stone honors her as his wife and mentions his name. We will now bury dad beside my mother. Not sure what we will do about the 3rd wife, she will of course, have dad's name, but will be buried beside her first husband to honor and respect her children. All these relationships have been good ones. Dad has loved them all. They are all special to us. We put flowers on both of the existing graves and always will. But our dad will be laid to rest one day, beside our mother. They birthed us children together. In eternity it probably doesn't matter. It only matters to those of us who are left. When dad dies, I may put a small inscripted stone on his last wifes grave with dad's name. There are ways to honor all. Hopefully your wife can understand this. If she still wants to be cremated, let her do so. You could one day instruct your children to add a small engraved stone with her name to the foot of your grave as an honor and respect toward her. Hope my story helps you a little.

You know, I have always been taught that in heaven there is no marriage. We are all the bride of the Lord. But heaven will be blissful and though we will probably know and recognize each other, we won't be concerned about our past earthly relationships with spouses. Not that they are not important, but our relationship with God will be all important.

Debbie, that is a beautiful story. Your Father and family are truly blessed. I'm the 2nd wife, but we are both being cremated. However, my parents are divorced, and my Father remarried a widow. Being the oldest, like you, it's an issue I may face. Thanks so much for the idea of the smaller stone with the spouse's name. It's a very appropriate compromise, which could hopefully accomodate everyone.

All the suggestions are great and as many have said it is your present wife's feelings that are most important now. Reassure her that your love for her is as strong as ever. Listen to her feelings, they are valid no matter what she thought the arrangements would be when you first married. Since she would prefer to be cremated, would she have any opposition to having her ashes interred next to you and your first wife, with you being in the center? There are also beautiful granite benches that are made specifically to hold cremains and can be inscribed.It could be placed at the head or foot of your existing plot with your first wife, or nearby. Whatever you decide I pray that all is forgiven and your family once again loving and peaceful.

You need to plan everything with your second wife. Your promises if at all any to your first wife shouldnot supersede the desires of your second wife. Your expressions about your first wife should be balanced and shouldnot put in bad light your love for present wife.

This is a hard one in deed and I am sorry to hear of your struggle. I know it is hard and you got to make it right for everyone involved, but sometimes you can't please everybody and you have to do what you feel is right in your heart. If you already told her that you intend on joining your 1st wife, then you need to sit down and just discuss it. You also have to keep in mind that she may be feeling like she is 2nd best. It would be a good thing if you make her realize just how special and important she is in your life. Insecurity does not surprise me. I understand her view as well. Whatever you do, best of luck to you.

Old topic; new thought. The purpose of a headstone is a permanent memorial. The second wife may feel that the "real" marriage, the one that meant the most, is the one being set in stone, memorialized for all to see, for all time....the implication, clearly, is that this was the marriage/family that really mattered. Personally, as the second wife with the double headstone already in place for my husband and his "real" marriage, I would then choose obscurity; that my ashes be quietly used on a landscaping project somewhere. My children can plant a tree on the site if they like. If he goes first, likewise, that I be permitted by his "real" family to abstain from being involved with their funeral process.

I know this topic is old, but I do have something to add. Hopefully my thoughts will help Widower 52 and anyone else faced with the same situation.

This is not an uncommon issue, yet it is one that many people seem to have a real problem with, for it is very emotional. I feel it is a topic that needs to be discussed on an ongoing basis. Everyone will have slightly different opinions, some based on emotions, and some based on spirituality.

When we are on Earth, our loves, concerns, fears, desires all come from the physical/emotional part of us. It is hard to imagine the way things will be in the afterlife. If one does not believe in the spirit and an afterlife then who is buried where does not really matter because there would be no awareness of the issue after death.

I still believe that one should give all their attention to their current spouse/marriage and make that relationship the best they can. Assurance that the current spouse is the most important person in ones life is necessary for a good marriage.

Being a spiritual person, I believe that the first wife is in a peaceful place and has a spiritual bond to her husband, the man she had children with, the only man she was married to. This spiritual bond can never be broken by anything on Earth. The promise made to her should be honored, not for her sake because she is not in the grave -- she is in spirit. The promise to her should be honored for her children's sake. That was a family unit that at one time never thought they would ever be parted. To not honor that memory and promise would be telling the children of that marriage that the promise made to their mother has been broken.

It is still very strong on my mind that if Widower 52 dies before his current wife does and for the sake of peace while alive promised to be buried by her, then what happens if the current wife remarries? Would she face the same issue with her new husband? Would Widower 52 be left at a grave that is neither by her or his first wife? How would the children and any grandchildren of the first marriage of Widower 52 and his first wife feel? They would not be able to visit both graves together to honor their parents.

Obviously, the decision comes down to what Widower 52 decides. It is his decision alone. There are a lot of factors to consider.

I believe that the current wife does feel like "second best", but if she truly loves Widower 52, she will honor his decision and respect his promise to his first wife. Also, very obviously, it is not a wise thing to take the current wife to the same places for vacations/trips where he and his first wife spent time and made memories. The current wife wants and needs to make her own memories with Widower 52 and not be overshadowed by memories of another.

When we have walked on from Mother Earth, our spirits will reunite with all the loves of our life and bond to the one who is our twin soul or the soul mate we have always loved the most. In spirit, we do not have the base human emotions such as jealousy. It is a higher level.

It is the ones left behind who will need to get through their bereavement in peace. With that being said, I think Widower 52, or anyone in this same situation, needs to sit down with the children he and his first wife had and discuss it then come to a decision.